Episode 40: How To Disappoint Someone and Not Die Of Guilt and Shame

This episode is out just in time for the holidays, giving you a chance to wrap up the year with a little extra kindness for yourself. In this episode, I'll reveal seven life-changing steps. These steps might sound simple, but they're not necessarily easy to implement. It's worth keeping in mind that letting folks down is just part of life, and I'm here to help you deal with the worry and fear that can come with it. Uncomfortable feelings are something we all face from time to time, and the trick is to learn how to handle them while still showing ourselves some love along the way. Once you've given this episode a listen, I'd be thrilled to hear from you. Send me a DM and tell me how these steps played out for you.

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Transcript

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You are listening to the expert girl podcast. Episode 40. I want to make sure this episode is short and sweet and very, very usable. Like you can take what you're going to hear in the next few minutes and just begin to incorporate it in to your holidays. Because guess what? It's like November already. I guess I heard October happened, but, uh, I must have missed it because all of a sudden it's like beginning of November. So the holidays are upon us. I want to make sure first of all that you know that I am doing a special holiday event. It's a shortened, a much shorter version, short and sweet of Stop People Pleasing because If you are like me, the holidays bring out some of the hardest situations for people pleasing, for getting stuck in perfectionism, for being codependent, because we just have all our family around us and everybody's expectations about what the holiday should be, and all of the wishes and desires and Bye. Bye. Bye. All of the traditions and dinners and gatherings and gifts all kind of converge in what is sometimes a really tricky set of events to be able to navigate because at the heart of everything also is our family. That we love so much. So I'm going to talk with you today about how to disappoint someone. And then I'm going to tell you at the end about this special event, stop people pleasing holiday edition, that there's still time for you to sign up for. Disappointing someone ranks usually around top three fears when I am talking with people about what they are most worried about happening when they stop people pleasing. For women, it's usually people will think I'm mean or that people think I'm selfish and that I will disappoint people. Those are usually like Positions one and two, so we've got to find a way to disappoint people because there is no getting out of disappointing people. When we stop people pleasing, we stop perfectionating and we start in disentangling ourselves from codependency. So, what I have here is 6 steps to disappoint someone actually, it's 7. Sorry about that. Disappoint someone in seven easy steps. Uh, if only it were that simple. It is actually very simple, but it is not easy. And I just want to give you some context first for why disappointing someone ranks up there in terms of our biggest fears, even though we have today, the brain that has gone through, you know, hundreds and thousands of years of. Development and evolution, we are still programmed to belong to groups to belong in, uh, what? Some cultural groups of people call tribes. I'm going to call them groups because. Belonging to a group makes sure. That you have a better chance of survival than when you don't belong to a group. So belonging means people like you. Belonging means people are committed to helping you to survive and you are committed to helping them survive. So these very beautiful, important. Relationships where we watch out for each other. We protect each other. We provide for each other. We help each other. We feed each other. And so it makes a lot of sense that we have almost a primal fear around disappointing someone that just can we just sit with that for a 2nd. It makes so much sense that disappointing someone brings up actual fear that feels in some cases really outsized for the situation and in other cases, it seems exactly like it matches and I'm going to use the example of disappointing your boss. Let's imagine for just a second that you know that your boss is going to ask you to take on a special assignment that is either paid or unpaid. It doesn't really matter, but you don't want to do it. And you know that, but you are afraid of disappointing your boss. It makes so much sense. This is your job. This is your livelihood. Perhaps you really need your income to do some specific things doesn't really matter either way. Thank you. Meeting the income and that this is your livelihood really matters to consider. 2nd of all, bosses are usually perceived as somewhat of an authority figure. And so, when we are going to disappoint and authority figure. Again, we are programmed to belong and not belonging in a group usually means you get kicked out. So when an authority figure is upset with you, it tickles, it pings, it brings up that primal fear that you will not belong, that you will get kicked out. That makes so much sense. And yet, if you have been people pleasing for decades. Like I did, you also know that there's so much resentment and anger and frustration that lives below the surface in your body, because you don't know how to disappoint someone else, because you're constantly pretzeling and accommodating and changing your schedule to make sure that everybody else doesn't get disappointed. And instead. You are just chronically disappointing yourself, and that doesn't feel good. So you've come to this spot where you know it's important to learn how to tolerate disappointing someone else. You just need a roadmap of how to do it. And that's what I want to give you today. So it is, like I said, seven steps. I want them to be really usable. And I want you to tell me, DM me, send me an email. Sarah at Sarah Fisk dot coach. Did I miss something? Was there something that worked really well? Something that didn't work at all? I really would love to know how this works out for you. So let's jump into these steps. Now, just as a side note, sometimes you know that the disappointment or the opportunity for you to disappoint someone else is coming. And sometimes it's happening in real time. So I just want to say, if it's happening in real time, and you're in a conversation with your boss, and all of a sudden she brings up this special project she wants you to take on, you need to pause. That's the first step that I teach in all of my webinars and everything. The pause is a memorized phrase that you deploy to buy yourself some time. So that you can then go through these 7 steps, because if we're not used to doing that in real time, we are going to default to our old programming, which is just just say yes. And to disappoint ourselves instead of disappointing the boss or. If it's not saying yes, whatever causes us to disappoint ourselves rather than disappointing the other person. So if it's happening in real time, take a pause. I'd love to think about that and get back to you. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I need to check my schedule or I just need to see if that'll work. I will circle back or you'll have my answer by next Tuesday or whatever. Just a memorized phrase that buys you some time. So step number one is to recognize. That the source of their disappointment is because they had an expectation and it wasn't met and the thoughts they have about it. This is not to excuse or dismiss their disappointment. It's real for them, rather it's to give you a chance to kind of take a break, to stand off to the side and realize that what is really responsible for the disappointment here is their thoughts about what they thought was going to happen that didn't. So boss comes to you, Sarah, I have this special project I would really love for you to take it on. And I don't, my boss had an expectation. I didn't meet it. And then she has some thoughts about me that are causing her disappointment. Now, again, this isn't to dismiss that that's what's happening for them. And it's not even to totally excuse your role. And I'll get to that in a second. But so many of us are so wrapped up in this idea that we cause other people's emotions that I want you to just take a step back from that and begin to wrap your head around this idea that the source of their disappointment. Is an expectation that was not met and the thoughts they had about it because on the one hand, my boss could think. Oh my gosh, what am I paying her for? She's supposed to do the things I ask her to do and she could be angry or she could think, you know what, good job. I really like that. She's standing up for herself and letting me know what her limitations are and she would have a completely different experience and I don't control her thoughts about my decision. What I do control is the expectation that I may have set up. So again, here's where we get to taking responsibility for your role. If you have set up. This expectation that you are always going to say yes to extra projects that she asks you to take on. Guess what? You are responsible for telling the truth. If you've perpetuated this expectation with your actions in the past, you are responsible for stopping the expectation. And once you have done that, it's not, the ball's not in your court and it's not your job. Is it normal for people to not like it when they're disappointed? Of course. Is that your fault? No, is it your job to fix? No, once you have taken responsibility for what you can take responsibility for, which is either the creation or perpetuation of the expectation, your job is done in terms of managing their emotions. You can put the ball in their court and let them take care of themselves around whatever they're thinking. Now let's get to step number two, which is your thoughts about disappointing this person. Here's the question I want to ask you. Is any part of your self worth involved here? Do I take some pride? In being the person who comes through, am I perpetuating this idea that I'm the hero who solves the problem that I'm the one who gets things done, that I'm the one who comes through that I'm the one that she can ask for all of these special projects because I'm the one I'm the person, because if it is tied up in your self worth, you're going to have to take a minute and remind yourself. That your value and worth as a human has nothing to do with the things that you create and produce. I'll say it again. Your value as a human has nothing to do with the things that you create and produce. And if it does, that is a mistake. That is an error in your thinking. Think about a baby. A baby does not do a thing. Eats, poops, sleeps, gurgles, smiles, repeats. Would we ever think that that baby was worthless because it didn't produce? No, the same thing with people who are advanced in age, right? They don't produce and yet we know that their value is inherent just because they're human. And the same thing is actually true of you as well. So if your value and self worth is involved here. You need to remind yourself that that is a mistake and that if you are the person who says, no, I'm not going to be taking on that special assignment, excuse me, then I'm just as valuable as when I do decide to take on special assignment. My worthiness has nothing to do with it. And in fact, when I make it about my worthiness, all that does is perpetuate me always disappointing myself instead of the other person. Step number 3. What is it costing to avoid disappointing this person? And there's actually two parts to this. Let's imagine back to our little example that we're using about the boss and the special assignment. What is it going to cost me to take on this special assignment? The stress, the anxiety, the overwhelm, the overworking, worrying, heading toward burnout. All the time I'm going to spend doing it. The energy that I'm going to give to it, the space it's going to take up in my head. When am I going to do it? I'm going to have to stay late. Am I going to have to come in early? It has to happen outside of normal work hours. Okay. So I write down in as much detail as I can, the cost to me in terms of what it creates in my life. Now the second part of this cost is equally important and it is what I'm not able to do Of all the resources that I'm currently spending doing this extra project. So, if it costs me 10 hours over 2 weeks, and I'm staying late, and I'm coming in on Saturday. What am I not doing with that 10 hours? What am I not able to do with the energy and effort and space in my head? Because it's going to this project. This is a really, really important step. Because usually we are pretty good. At recognizing the cost, the worry, the overwhelm, the stress, but what we miss is what we would be capable of doing instead, even if it's resting, even if it's taking a walk, going to a movie, right? Not something productive, but there's always these 2 parts when we're talking about the cost. What is being created in my life, the stress, anxiety overwhelm that. And then what I'm not creating because so much of my resources are tied up in doing this thing, just so that I don't disappoint someone else. Step number four, what is it going to cost me to disappoint them being answer is always the same. It's going to be an uncomfortable emotion. And by saying it's uncomfortable. I'm not trying to downplay it because again, this is tied to very primal fears and needs to belong. So I'm not downplaying at all, but I'm naming that it is an uncomfortable emotion. I'm not even calling it negative. I hope you note that because. It's not necessarily negative. It is uncomfortable. And because it's uncomfortable, we tend to avoid it. But chances are, if we were to give it a name, it would be fear, anxiety, worry, or sadness. That is what I am going to have to pay to disappoint them. I'm going to have to sit with some fear. I'm going to have to experience some anxiety. I might have to work through some guilt or obligation. Guess what? Remember all the emotions we named in step number three about. What it's costing you to avoid disappointing this person. It's the same thing. You're going to be feeling some of these uncomfortable emotions either way. You just get to pick. Do I want to feel the uncomfortable emotions while I disappoint myself? Or do I want to feel these uncomfortable emotions as I disappoint my boss or someone else again, not to downplay it, but just to name these are uncomfortable emotions that you are going to have to feel either way. Step number five. Is there a compromise? Now, I wasn't going to put this step in, but I know your brain is going to go there anyway, so let's just name it. Is there a compromise? Is there some way where I can give a little and not disappoint my boss? And not give everything so that I don't disappoint me? Great! If you find a compromise, Now you need to still calculate the cost. What is the cost of the compromise in terms of time, energy, effort, resources, headspace, money, uncomfortable emotions? Because again, we're telling the truth about it. So if there's a compromise, fantastic. Think through the cost on that. All of this is important because step number six. Is to make the decision for reasons that you like in step number three, you were thinking about the cost of it to avoid disappointing the other person, right? To do the job, the extra work that the boss is asking in step number four, you're thinking about what it's going to cost you to not do the job and to disappoint your boss. Step number five, whatever compromise is available. Now you know what the costs are and you can make a decision. Which one do you choose for reasons that you like? That's what it comes down to. And here's what I love about this step. You get to be totally in charge of picking the reasons that you like and they can change from situation to situation. They don't have to be the same. The point is to do the mental work to calculate the cost so that you are aware of what you are choosing and you like your reasons for choosing it. Once you have made a decision for reasons that you like, here is what I think one of the most powerful steps is. And it's to step number seven, create the movie. Here's what I mean. I want you to create a visualization in your head, the movie version that you're going to watch and rewatch of you acting out your decision. So let's imagine that I decided to tell my boss that I was not going to take on the The extra project that she had asked for. So I imagine myself walking into her office. I greet her. I say what I'm going to say. And by the way, you might want to take a listen to episode 23 say what you want to say, because you're also going to write the script. So I decide to tell her, thank you for the opportunity. It's not something I'm going to take on right now. I like the way that sounds. I feel comfortable saying it. Well, I mean, comfortable might be a stretch. I'm going to be worrying. My heart's going to be pounding. But I feel like it's possible for me to say that. So I'm walking into her office. I'm standing in front of her desk. We talk, exchange pleasantries for just a second. And then I say, I've been thinking about. The extra thing you asked me to take on and it's not something I'm going to be able to take on right now. Thank you for the opportunity. I feel the little wave of anxiety or I feel the fear kind of come up in my body and I thank her and then I turn around and I walk out of her office. So I write the movie, I write the script. I imagine how I'm going to feel saying that. And then I can even take another couple steps if I want, I can't even imagine the likely outcomes and how I would handle them. Okay, so let's redo the movie. I'm walking into her office. She's sitting at her desk. I, we exchanged some pleasantries. I say, thank you for thinking of me. This is not a project I'm able to take on at this time. And then she says, oh, but I was just really hoping you would do it. You're so good at things like this. What would I say? Oh, I get that you're disappointed and I'm sorry about that. I could say that. I could say, I get it, but I need to do what's right for me, or I can just restate. Thank you for thinking of me. I realize, you know, this is. Something that I have not done in the past saying no, but it's something that I need to start doing more of to take better care of myself. Okay. I can add those in keep those in my back pocket for a possible way to handle if she pushes me a little bit on it, which would be normal because remember people don't like being disappointed, but I replay the movie. I let myself feel the feelings. I practice saying the words I practice just letting that uncomfortable emotion be there without letting it drive the bus. It gets to sit right next to me. It gets to be there in the room with me. But because I've written the movie and I've written the script, I just replay it. And that is a way of processing the emotion ahead of time. It's a way of practicing. Visualizations are amazing to give us confidence, to give us practice, and to allow us to have an experience. With an uncomfortable emotion beforehand. So we get better at feeling it. This is what elite athletes are taught to do when they imagine themselves making the shot, connecting with the ball, because mental rehearsal is powerful. So it is to me, the most important step. Once you have gone through all the other steps and made the decision for reasons that you like. Now, it's time to visualize it. How are you going to, what are you going to say? How are you going to feel? And just practice it as many times as you want. I want to give you a few things to say in case there is some pushback. You could say, you know what? Your disappointment makes sense. I get it and I need to do what is right for me or I get that you're disappointed and I'm sorry about that or you know what I wish you understood my reasons but I get that you don't and it's okay because I understand why I need to do this. I always talk about adding softeners. When we're communicating, like gratitude, thank you for understanding, thank you for listening to me, or statements that, that, that convey that we understand, like that makes sense. I understand why you feel that way. I get it. And I'm still going to do what I need to do that. We use a softener. There is no, but it's an, and that makes sense that you're disappointed. That makes sense that you're upset. And I still need to do. What is right for me in this situation, or I still need to stick to the decision that I've made. And actually, I totally forgot there's a step eight, and it is to create your plan for taking care of yourself, because disappointing someone else. Brings up so much anxiety. It is really, really important for you to decide ahead of time, how you will take care of your own nervous system. Disappointing someone else literally creates an open stress cycle. And this stress cycle, that word comes from the book burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. I highly, highly, highly recommend it. And we need to close the stress cycle. By intentionally taking care of ourselves, disappointing someone else is no small thing. And so, step number 8 is to create your plan for taking care of yourself. Now, I've taken from the book Burnout by, like I mentioned, the Nagoski sisters, the 8 ways that they recommend completing the stress cycle. Number one is to process the emotion, to name it, to describe it, to find it in your body, to feel into it, to watch it. So if it's anxiety, you name it. I'm feeling so anxious. It feels like tingling in my chest. It kind of feels like I might float away. It's right here, kind of in the middle of my body. I'm just going to stay with it for a second. I'm going to breathe. I'm just going to watch it as it melts, as it passes, as it evaporates, and you can come back and do this emotion processing thing as many times as you need to because the feeling might come back. It is likely that it will. Number two, movement, dance, stomp, swing your arms, sway your hips back and forth. Go for a walk. Movement is the most efficient way to complete the stress cycle and take care of yourself. Number three is deep breathing and it's the most gentle way. I'm going to give you my favorite breathing technique right here. We're going to do it together. Ready? I want you to take a deep breath. And then I want you to hold it when your lungs are as full of air as you can. And your shoulders are as high up as they're going to go. And then I want you to hold it for just a second and then we're going to let it out. So ready? Deep breath. Feel my shoulders rising all the way to the top. And then I hold it, and then as I let the air out, I notice my shoulders kind of melting back down away from my neck. And then I do it again and I hold, and then I feel as the air goes out of my lungs, my shoulders just kind of melt down. So, deep breathing, number three, such a gentle way to complete the stress cycle. Number four, positive social interaction. Smile at some people. Have a quick conversation with someone that you love, exchange a text, send a funny meme, a positive social interaction will also help you complete the stress cycle because it reminds your nervous system that you are okay, that this is stressful. Yes. But that you're going to be fine. Number five, laughter. Take a second and look up someone funny online. My favorite lately, Nate Bargatze. Holy cow, that guy. Most deadpan face ever created. Funny, funny guy. I look him up when I need a good laugh. Because again, it reminds my body that I'm fine. Number six, affection. And the Nagoski sisters recommend a six second kiss. Or a 20 second hug while bearing your own weight. Bearing your own weight is important because, again, it reminds your body we are stable, we are safe, we are able to take care of ourselves right now. So a six second kiss, a 20 second hug, I'm going to throw in a snuggle, a good snuggle, a back scratch, cuddling up to someone really helps remind your body that you're safe. Number seven, a big eye. This one is hardest probably for me because I don't like crying. But I love how I feel when it's over. I feel like I have just had a big release. I've let some things go. And so sometimes I'll put on a song that will help me to cry. When I Get There by Pink is my latest. It just That just reminds me so much of people who have passed that I really, really miss and it brings up emotion and just kind of lets me let it all out. And even if I start crying for a song and it's kind of a different reason than disappointing someone, it all seems to come out together and feel so much better afterward. Last of the eight ways to complete the stress cycle is creative expression, color, draw, paint, sing, dance. Some kind of creative expression is a really beautiful way to remind your body you're safe, it's okay, we survived, we can close this stress loop, we can end this stress cycle by creative expression and kind of coming back down to baseline. You might need to close the stress cycle or complete the stress cycle many times because again, disappointing someone does bring up our primal fears around belonging. And what I want you to know is it will get easier. So, in summary, disappointing someone is hard, but it is essential to do if you want. To stop disappointing yourself. One of the things that I want to help with during this holiday season is the overwhelm and the busyness that tends to rob us of the holiday we really want. So what I've done is I've created a really mini edition of the Stop People Pleasing group coaching program. It's the holiday edition of the Stop People Pleasing program. What you get is. Actually quite a lot. I tried to think of as many things as I could think of to not only make this a really successful experience for you, but something so fun for me to do as well. So here's what's happening. There is a pop up Facebook group that is going to be open for any questions or coaching you need anytime from now until December 15th on November 15th. We're going to have a two hour workshop together where we dive into all the reasons why people pleasing comes up around the holidays for you and why perfectionating just seems to be the order of the day. And we're going to come up with a detailed plan for you to get more of what you do want in the holidays and less of what you don't want. Then you're going to have a week to test drive your plan. To see where it works to see where it doesn't work. You're going to come back on November 29th for a 90 minute group coaching session with me and with all of the other participants and we're going to evaluate together so that we can tweak and fine tune your plan. Then just to make sure you have everything you need, you're going to get a private session with me, where I'm going to coach you through anything that comes up for you individually. And I'm going to give you some information about continuing to work with me in January to really, really, really, really yes. Once and for all eliminate your people pleasing and you're going to schedule that private session anytime between the 1st and the 15th of December. If you are interested in that, find my bio on Instagram and look at the link. For the stop people pleasing holiday edition, or just send me an email, Sarah at Sarah Fisk dot coach. And I'll make sure you have everything you need. Thanks for listening. And here's to disappointing more people this next year, instead of disappointing ourselves, I'll see you next week.