Episode 43: How to Create Secure Attachment in Relationships
Nov 29, 2023Season 1Episode 43
Sara Fisk
We are programmed to constantly worry about whether we are safe and loved. This comes from attachment styles we develop early in life. It can be helpful to identify your attachment styles because you can have a different style with different people in your life. In this episode, I’ll give you an overview of attachment styles so that you can think about what yours might be. Our attachment style can change- it's not a fixed verdict. We can do the work to heal the parts of us that limit our comfort in relationships, especially your relationship with yourself.
We are programmed to constantly worry about whether we are safe and loved. This comes from attachment styles we develop early in life. It can be helpful to identify your attachment styles because you can have a different style with different people in your life. In this episode, I’ll give you an overview of attachment styles so that you can think about what yours might be. Our attachment style can change- it's not a fixed verdict. We can do the work to heal the parts of us that limit our comfort in relationships, especially your relationship with yourself.
You are listening to the ex good girl podcast, episode 43. So just a few minutes ago, I ended the zoom meeting for our weekly stop people, pleasing, uh, group coaching program, the current group. And today we talked about attachment styles and how attachment plays into. Stopping your people pleasing perfectionism and codependency. And I think it's kind of obvious why that's, why that's understanding our attachment styles is a big part of that. And I just have so much respect and love for the women in the current group and the work that they're doing and what they had to say was contributed to such an incredible discussion. I just had to share some of that with you because. The way that we are built as humans is to constantly be worried about the answer to two questions. Am I safe? Am I loved? Those are biologically programmed questions, and they're imperative because without safety and without love, We die. Now, because safety and love gets us food, water, shelter, you know, someone to take care of us, someone to help us. It is such an important question that's kind of always lingering in the minds of every single human. Am I safe? Am I loved? And our early experiences with being safe and loved help form what we call attachment styles. One of the great things about the time in which we live is there's a lot of research and a lot of really great discussion around parts of the human experience and attachment style is one. And I just want to give you an overview of attachment style so that you can be thinking about what yours might be and maybe even identify it. And then what I think is the most important thing to understand about attachment attachment styles have to do with the way that we form relationships and how we feel in our relationships, there are four different styles secure anxious avoidant. And then fearful avoidance. And there's new research coming out all the time, new explanations. And so obviously I'm recording this on Tuesday, November 21st, 2023. By the time you listen to this, we might have some new information. So we're just going to go with what's available today, because I think it is still really, really helpful. So as just a. Really bird's eye overview. Secure attachment is the ability to form secure, loving relationships with others. Where you can trust and be trusted, you can love and accept love, and you can get close to others with relative ease. Securely attached people are not afraid of intimacy, nor do they feel panicked when their partners or friends Or other people in their relationships need time or space away from them. So they're able to toggle back and forth between intimacy and vulnerability and sharing and being open to each other. And also allowing the people in their life to have space when they need it, to not talk, to not be with each other and that that doesn't mean anything about the relationship. There's... Some research out there, uh, by social psychologists, Cindy Hazen and Philip Schaeffer, that they did in the 1980s, and they think that, you know, there's a large 56 percent of adults have a secure attachment style. This research might be old, it's what I found when I was kind of doing the research for this class, because it doesn't seem to me, that seems like a high number. But that's just my observation. Anxiously attached people, it's a form of insecure attachment style that is marked by fear of abandonment. Anxiously attached people tend to just worry a lot in their relationships that their partner is going to leave or that they're going to get mad at them. And so anxious attachment is marked by behaviors that are designed to test the other person's love. Or attachment to them. Sometimes that's neediness or clingy behavior such as getting really anxious when your partner doesn't text back fast enough or when your child goes and locks themselves in their room or when your boss doesn't say good morning right when he walks in the door and you take that to mean that something is wrong something is bad and the fear is. That you've done something wrong or that you are somehow deficient and that's what's causing their behavior. But I have observed that another way anxious people, uh, test their relationships. Uh, for signs of kind of love and attention is by being critical or by being, um, complaining or by being hyper independent, claiming not to need anyone, but underneath the criticism underneath the complaining is the fear that if I, if I bring something up and criticize or I'm complaining about it, you won't respond to it. You won't come and help me with it. And that creates anxiety. Or if I claim not to need you, if I claim, you know, to be very independent, like I don't need anyone, then you won't come to me and tell me that you need me. So in anxious attachment, there are a lot of little testing behaviors. That are designed for the partner or the child or the boss to prove, no, no, no, I really do like you, but here's the thing, the test is never enough, even if the person passes the test. There's always insecurity coming in the future, and so another test ensues. The marker of anxious attachment is just a constant worry about the state of the relationship, a constant hypervigilance about, did they talk to me? Did they text me back? Did they engage with me? Did they hug me? Did they look at me? Remembering and categorizing and collecting that behavior as evidence that either they like me or they don't, and then how you show it on the top, there can be a lot of different ways that that shows up, like I said, um, criticism, complaining, that was a lot of how I was anxiously attached, or hyper independence, or a lot of neediness or clinginess. Um, Hazen and Shaver say that 19 percent of adults have anxious attachment. I think it's way higher than that. I don't even know why I'm sharing their, their research because I just don't believe it. But there you have it for whatever it's worth. Avoidant attachment is a style or a form of insecure attachment marked by a fear of intimacy. People who are avoidantly attached tend to have trouble getting close or trusting others in relationships. And relationships can make them feel suffocated. They typically maintain some distance from their partners or are largely an emotionally emotionally unavailable in their relationships. They prefer independence, however, I have observed that some avoidantly attached people are also self aware enough to know that in their relationships, they should talk to other people, so they make efforts to listen, they make efforts to show up, but they seem to have a like a gas tank, and once that gas tank is taken up, They're out. They don't know what to do. Once you burn through their gas for listening or for responding to their partner's needs, at some point it becomes too much for them. They feel overwhelmed. They feel, um, impotent, like they don't know how to solve the problem and that. Um, that feeling is very uncomfortable for them. So they withdraw. Whereas an avoidant, um, attachment person will withdraw. An anxiously attached person usually will come after the other person in the relationship, wanting to test them, wanting to, um, wanting them to prove either their love or their commitment or their investment in the relationship. An avoidant, Attached person just needs to be out needs to be done because of the overwhelm the last style of attachment that we know about today is fearful avoidant and that's also known as disorganized or push pull and fearful avoidant attachment is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. It happens. Where there is a lot of trauma or chaos or upheaval or sometimes even severe trauma when you are forming attachments because people with avoidant attachment styles both desperately crave affection and it is too much for them. They want to avoid it. So they are reluctant to develop close relationships, close romantic relationships, close work relationships, close friendships. They're reluctant because it's scary, and yet at the same time they want it so badly. And so that is what contributes to this push pull, I'm here, I love you, I need you, get out of my sight, I hate you, I never want to see you again, I need you, I love you, you're the best. And you're too much for me. So this push pull, um, element in their attachment style is often hard for the other people. You can see why that might be. And so they don't have a lot of really close friendships, romantic partners that last for a long time, because it is a lot for the other person. This fearful avoidant attachment or disorganized attachment, um, what I read about it, it says it's. Relatively rare and not well researched, but we do know that it is associated with some higher risk behavior, heightened sexual behavior, an increased risk for violence or violence tolerance in their relationship, and difficulty regulating emotions. In general, so that last avoidant fearful avoidant attachment style. It's one that is still being researched and it's thought that the lowest number of people in the general population have this fearful avoidant attachment style. Take that for what it's worth. Um, my favorite way of thinking about attachment styles comes from the book Platonic by Dr. Marisa G. Franco. And this is what she says. She says that attachment is a guess about what will happen if I am vulnerable or show up as myself. So if you are securely attached, your guess is if I show up as myself. That's great. If you show up as yourself, that's fantastic. If we have a rupture or a fight, we will repair it and be stronger for it. I'm going to learn more about you, you're going to learn more about me, and our relationship will deepen and be stronger and better for it. An anxiously attached person, they have a different, yes, if I show up as myself, I'm going to be too much for you. If I show up as the truly, you know, needy complex person that I am, you're not going to like it. If we have a fight or a rupture, you will leave me, you'll abandon me, I'll be alone. And so, that guess about what will happen, they use it to modify and kind of modulate their behavior. They don't share too much. They try to, quote unquote, tone it down. An avoidant attachment person, their guess is, If we have a rupture or a fight, it's going to overwhelm me. I'm not going to know what to do. I'm not going to know how to take care of me or take care of you. It's going to be too much. And so I better just avoid it. I love these, um, kind of this frame of, of reference of, of it's, it's a guess about what will happen if I show up as myself or if we have a fight, because I think it's an easy way to test yourself. Think about a romantic partner. Think about a boss. Think about a child. Think about a friend. What is your guess? What's your guess about what will happen if you show up as yourself? What's your guess about what will happen if you have a fight or a rupture? Should it be avoided? Should it be, um, ignored? Should we talk about it? Are we going to be stronger for it? Because that gives you a clue about what type of style you have of attachment in that relationship. Now, I think it is true that you can have different attachment styles in different relationships. You can have a friend with whom you enjoy a secure attachment because they show up as themselves and they're very open about accepting you as yourself. You have ruptures or disappointments or fights maybe even or disagreements and you're able to talk about it and you do have a better, stronger relationship for it. There might be other relationships where you experience anxiousness or avoidance. I don't think that's a problem at all. I just think it's something to notice. Because what I teach is that attachment style isn't a fixed verdict. You can actually change your style of attachment by first becoming securely attached to yourself. So that's the second part of what I want to talk about is that no matter what your attachment style is, no matter what you notice, no matter what you like or do not like, it is always possible to form a secure attachment to yourself. And here's how I teach how to do that. Number one. I want you to think for just a second about having a fight in a relationship. I think that's the easiest way to kind of go about this. Think about a child, a parent, a romantic partner, someone with whom you are close, and there's a fight or disagreement. What comes up for you? Is it fear? Is it overwhelm? Is it maybe some discomfort, but Some confidence that you'll get through it. So just notice that. And then I want you, if you can, to identify a voice or a sentence that talks to you about what you think will happen. So let me give you an example. In the past, I have had a sentence in my mind when I'm trying to be open and vulnerable with my husband. And it is this, don't tell him that. Don't tell him that. That's not safe to tell him so that is one of the markers of anxious attachment because if I follow that voice, don't tell him that. And I just ask, well, why? Why should we not tell him that the answer is because it's going to be too much for him. He can't handle this He can't handle how emotional you are. How sensitive you are How deeply what he says and does hurts you like that's weak. It is Gross don't show him that side of you because it will be too much so as you think about one of your primary relationships Is there a voice or a sentence that talks to you about what will happen in your relationship if there is a fight or a disagreement? What does that voice tell you will happen? And then here's the third most important part. Once you identify that sentence, what does that part of you need to hear from you to be reassured? In many of our relationships, we outsource. Our connection, because we rely on other people to tell us, you're great, I love you, you're such a great friend, you're a great mother, you're a great employee, whatever, right? And so, other people are in charge of how connected and safe we feel. The beginning part of any secure attachment is to securely attach to yourself. And that is to bring that source of reassurance. Inside. To make it internal. And this is how we do it. We identify one of the worries that we have about relationships that expresses itself in a sentence or in a voice. And then we speak back to it with what it needs to hear to be reassured. So going back to the sentence that I have in my head, it's going to be too much. He's going to think you're too needy, too emotional. Rather than look for my husband to be the one who reassures me about that, to form a secure attachment to myself, I take that job on myself. Speak back to that voice. You're not too much for me. You're not too much for me. I am right here. There is nothing you could do that would make me think that you are too much. I love you. I'm gonna take care of you. I think you're pretty amazing. And I am right here. So notice how when you speak back to that voice in you that needs reassurance. There might be this little calming down or there might be some distrust like I don't know about this I don't know if I can trust you no matter what your reaction is Double down on the reassurance. I know Maybe I haven't always taken really good care of us, but I'm here now and I want it to be different So whatever that part of you is that needs reassurance The beginning of secure attachment is to be the person who provides that reassurance for you. I asked some of the women in the group today to share some of their sentences that come up, and one of them said, What will people think? What will people think of you? And so the way that she speaks back to that sentence that needs reassurance is, Well, I think you're amazing. I think you're doing a great job. I think you're valuable. I think you're lovable. I think you're worthy. Another woman shared, I'm too much. I'm a lot to handle. And so she would speak back by saying, I can totally handle you. You are not too much for me. Another woman said, the voice tells her no one wants to hear that. And so she would speak back and say, well, I want to hear that what you have to say is important to me. I always want to hear what you have to say. And I always think it's valuable. Another woman shared. You're so needy. And notice like so much judgment around that. That's a, that's a common sentence that I hear from a lot of women. You're so needy. Why do you need so much? And then to speak back to that with reassurances, your needs are valid. I want to know what your needs are. I want to meet your needs so by becoming the person who responds to our own internal needs for validation and reassurance, we actually can rewire these attachment styles, and we can begin to form a secure attachment to ourselves. Where we always show up with love and generosity for whatever part of us is needing reassurance and we can build a relationship first based on us showing up for ourselves. And then with a secure attachment to ourselves, we can go back into our other relationships with more security. And sometimes we can have a really beautiful effect on our other relationships from a place of secure attachment to ourselves. For some people, it's hard to find that sentence that needs reassurance. And so if nothing came up for you, that's totally normal. We aren't really used to listening to our internal dialogue. It's just kind of always there in the background. And so. If there wasn't really a sentence that popped right up for you, that's totally fine. What you can do is listen to these following secure attachment thoughts, and just take one and practice it with yourself. So here are some sentences to try. If it feels really good, take it. If it doesn't, just dismiss it. So try these on. I'm always going to take good care of me. I am safe and secure with me. I'm willing to meet my needs. I'm lovable. I deserve to be taken care of. I'm proud of myself. I feel positive about exploring the world. I can resolve this. I can ask for help. I can manage this. I'm going to be able to figure this out. I know I need you, and you need me, and that's okay. That's good. So, taking one of those sentences on, To practice can be really, really powerful in exploring secure attachment to yourself. The second thing that you can do that I'd like to offer is to pair whatever, however you're verbalizing reassurance and validation to yourself with the somatic practice of taking your hands and putting them somewhere on your body, your chest, your neck, your head, your face. That that increases your connection with your body that feels loving that feels attentive and then. repeating those sentences to yourself. So I always take my hands and just put them right on my chest. That seems to be where I just feel all my emotion for a lot of people that's like that. In fact, when that voice pops up, don't tell him that I get this squeezing kind of on the left side of my chest. So I just take my hand, put it over that part of my chest and I say, I'm here. I'm listening. I'm taking care of you. I know, I know you're anxious. And then I speak those sentences back to myself. With the somatic connection of my hands on my body, I deeply breathe. Sometimes I move and I walk around while I'm doing it. And so pairing whatever validating reassuring sentences really feel good to you with your hands connected to your body and with your breath make for a very, very powerful experience. Here's what I want to leave you with. It is possible to rewire your attachment. It's possible. I've seen it done. I have done it myself. And once we have security with ourselves, then we can take on. Other things like not people pleasing anymore that feels for a lot of us really risky and really dangerous. Because our secure attachment to ourselves provides a safe place, a place where we know we'll be taken care of. We can tackle our perfectionism and the energy drain that that is in our lives because we know that we have ourselves to feel safe with. We have ourselves to feel good with. And it decreases codependency because we're no longer dependent on the people outside of us for that validation and for that reassurance because we have taken on the job of that ourselves. I would love to know your thoughts about this episode. What attachment style do you think you are? And what sentence really works for you? How does it help when you pair the connected hands and breathing on your body? Does that help? Because my My real vision for the world is masses of securely attached women to themselves and to other people who can then model what beautiful relationships look like when there's rupture, when there's fighting, when there's disagreeing inside of the security of you. This is going to make us better. We're going to be better for working out these relationships, whether they're romantic or political or religious or cultural. I just think that this is when we're talking about like revolutionary people who are securely attached first to themselves and to others is I think a big place where that revelation starts. So I would love to know what this is like for you. Also, if you are interested in finding out more about the Stop People Pleasing group coaching program, the next cohort will launch at the end of January. I would love to tell you all about it. If you go to the link in my Instagram bio, Sarah Fisk coaching, there is a place to sign up for the interest list and for my email list, because that's where I talk about all of the things that are coming up. Thanks for listening. See you next week.