Episode 49: What If 2024 is the Year You Stop People Pleasing?

What if 2024 is the year you stop people pleasing? What if you started to create a world around you where you feel respected by yourself and others? The universality of our preprogramming aka good girl programming silently shapes us. We can learn to overcome the discomfort, and gain the respect we desire from ourselves and others. It’s possible to belong, feel loved, and feel respected by others and ourselves. This is your year and I’m here for you. Can’t wait for you to listen.

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Transcript

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You are listening to the X good girl podcast episode 49. It is Tuesday, January 2nd, uh, 2024. Crazy. Um, mostly because I don't know where most of November and December went. Maybe you feel the same way, but also I just love this kind of New Year energy that's in our culture. I mean, You know, there's nothing special about January 2nd, other than we've decided as a society that this is when we set goals and New Year's resolutions. I actually love it. I've been looking over my year the past few days and, um, congratulating myself first on just making it, getting through. Maybe that's what, uh, some of you need to hear as well. We did it, but also looking at the way that The way I think about people pleasing is changing and, um, and growing the more I do this work. I mean, this is, I'm getting ready in January to launch the ninth round of Stop People Pleasing, my group coaching program. And I have had. Some big revelations this year, just about how essential it is that women learn to opt out of people pleasing. And I've started to talk about it as, as a revolution, because it really, really is. It's when a woman can choose herself. And her needs can say what is on her mind, can decide how her time gets used, can manage the stress responses of disappointing other people. That's, there's just so much that opens up for her. And I just want to say from the beginning, the most common objection I get to doing this work or the worry that women have is that I am talking about them becoming selfish. Now, I did a whole episode on our misunderstanding of the word selfish and what it is to be selfish and how we as women have. Really specifically been programmed to avoid selfishness at all costs. So go listen to that. If you want a deep dive into selfishness. But what I am talking about at its most basic level is that your needs and wants are on the same level as other people's needs and wants. Most people think that what I'm talking about is that your needs and wants are above everyone else's, that you choose yourself and what you need and what you want all the time. That's not what I'm talking about. What we are used to is that our needs and wants are below everyone else's. What I'm talking about in the revolution is just on the same level. So that's the first part of this kind of revolutionary idea that I want you to just consider. What would it be like? What would your life look like? If your needs and wants mattered just as much as everyone else's, and sometimes you picked yourself, you chose yourself, your own needs and wants because of reasons that you liked, and sometimes you chose other people's needs and wants and meeting those and showing up for them. Because you liked your reasons, what if you just had the skill or you developed the skill this year to get really good at knowing what your needs and wants are and your reasons for choosing them and other people's needs and wants. And your reasons for choosing them. Most of the time, we don't slow down to think through our reasons because the programming to be a good girl is so strong. We just don't even stop to consider. Do I like my reasons for choosing this other person? Their needs and their wants, or do I like my reasons for choosing my own? That's the first part of the revolution is just developing the capacity to know what is happening in the moment and why, and to choose it because you like it. The second part of the revolution is literally time as women who are programmed. To be good, good wives, good mothers, good sisters, good workers, good employees, good, um, friends. We spend hours and hours and hours and so much energy ruminating about possible people that we have offended or those who might be mad at us replaying old events in our brain wishing we had said something else wondering why we didn't do that other thing coming up with the thing we wish we would have said but didn't have the capacity in the moment beating ourselves up for Not standing up for ourselves, judging ourselves, self doubting all of the time that we spend being hard on ourselves. Walking on eggshells, worried about a rupture that we don't quite know how to repair, worrying about how it's going to end, like, feeling that constant kind of low hum of anxiety, apologizing and feeling bad. Trying to make up for things, always trying to work out the perfect scenario where everybody's happy, overthinking every decision, trying to just find the quote unquote best decision where people won't be upset with you. The sheer number of hours that we spend for most women, it's three to five hours a day. I love to do the math here because it's always jaw dropping three hours a day. Times 7 days a week, 21 hours a week, times 52 weeks a year, that's 1092 hours. Of time that just is gone worrying, replaying, ruminating, feeling anxious, and then the energy that's a completely different resource that we have that is also limited our time and our energy. Can you imagine having back the time that you spend worrying and people pleasing? The energy that you spend ruminating and beating yourself up, good heavens, what would it be like to not do that? To just not expend that time and energy, that is the revolution. Getting that time. And then the third part of the revolution is your way of being in the world changing. As I have stopped people pleasing, I have come to believe about myself. That who I am and what I think is important. And valuable. And there are people who want to hear it. I know most of the time when women come and we have our first couple of conversations, the things they say are, I don't know who I am or what I want. Knowing who you are and what you want changes your way of being in the world, your stance toward the world, the lens that you see the world through knowing I know who I am. And I've decided. What I want to do on this planet. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know how I got here, but I have decided that this is what I want to do. I've decided that I can apologize for my mistakes and repair because my mistakes no longer mean anything about me or my value. I have relationships that are nurturing and supportive, and I believe 100 percent that I can create more of those. If I need to, if I needed to create romantic relationships, I could, if I needed to create friendships that are nurturing, supportive, loving, where I'm able to show up and be myself, I could do that. I believe that holding boundaries is an act of love and self respect and it benefits my most important relationships. That's a different way of being in the world. Entitlement isn't exactly the right word, but it also kind of is the right word because I feel entitled because I am a human to those type of supportive, loving relationships, and I feel responsibility to create them. It's entitlement plus responsibility. Maybe there's a word out there that means those things that I can't think of right now, but it is an entitlement to my own love and respect and a responsibility to create that for myself. It's entitlement to share who I am and what I think and a responsibility for it. It's entitlement to have needs and wants and a responsibility to get those met for myself. It's a desire to be generous and open hearted to others because I'm first generous and open hearted with myself. And that is a different way of being in the world. I can apologize because when I mess up, which I do all the time, It doesn't mean anything about myself, and I am developing the capacity to have conversations in my relationships that are really hard. I want to tell you a little bit about how I am, how I am managing that, because that is one of the hardest dynamics that is revolutionary. To be in relationships where there is tension and to not blame myself. For even mistakes that I make, because I believe mistakes are just a normal part of those relationships and to have. The hard conversations about what I want to need or what hurt what didn't feel good because too often good girl programming teaches us that we have to trade belonging for mistreatment or treatment that doesn't feel good. And I want to say that again, too often we as good girls have been taught. That to get belonging, to get love and friendship and connection, we have to put up with either mistreatment, which I define as treatment that the other person knows doesn't feel good and they do it anyway, or just treatment that doesn't feel kind, which is a mistake, which happens just in normal human relationships. I feel like managing that dynamic is one of the trickiest. Because no one teaches us how, and there are at least two essential skills that are part of that revolutionary piece of this number one, you have to believe that your mistakes mean nothing about you, you have to really practice over and over and over again, having so much grace and love for yourself. When you do things that aren't who you want to be for me, it's when I yell at my kids, it's when I am, um, mean or snippy with my husband. It's when I am, um, selfish in relationships, like those things still happen and they don't mean that I am a bad person. Now, do I believe that 100%? I don't, I don't, right? Because I have decades and decades of programming, but I am practicing that new belief and that new way of being with myself that is making it possible for me to believe. Even more every day that my mistakes mean nothing about me. So I want to talk to you about something that I am doing in particular that is really making the next level of evolution in my own people pleasing, because I still fall into those patterns too, really possible for me. And the reason I fall into those patterns Is because I'm a human. And if you are falling into patterns of people pleasing, it's because you're human and everything we want and everything we need is always connected to safety and belonging. And so some of the easier, like the low hanging fruit of not people pleasing. That is that are early wins usually are in relationships that feel less, uh, less important or less charged. So a lot of my clients will make some early progress in relationships at work or relationships with friends that are less, um. Just not less important to them. I don't mean to make it sound, but there's, there's just less writing on it. And some of the last, um, progress that some of my clients and myself make are in our most intimate relationships. And so. I have started to understand that people pleasing and resolving and being able to not people please involves healing parts of ourselves that are always fearful of not having belonging and safety. And I say that and it sounds simple and very clear and very understandable and in practice, it can be a little more complicated. So I wanted to tell you what I'm doing because it has been incredibly helpful for me and I hope it will be for you as well. I am getting training in, um, something called internal family systems. It's parts work. It's a therapeutic model. That addresses all of the different parts of ourselves that get created throughout our lives through sometimes chronic traumatic events, or even just one time, you know, events that were that were really difficult and remember trauma is just anything that's too fast too much too soon, where you don't have adequate. Tools to be able to handle it and deal with it in a way where you don't feel overwhelmed or unsafe. So all of us have those events when those events happen, different parts of ourselves are created to protect and to deal with what's going on. And so I'm undergoing some training or participating in training so that I can do this work with my clients. But part of it is I have a arts work therapist and IFS therapist who's doing this work with me and. I want you to think as I'm going through kind of what I'm going through. I want you to apply it to yourself in the following way. I want you to see if you can identify a part of you that wants connection deeply, that wants to be safe, that wants to be loved, because we all have that part. That's how we are biologically programmed to come into the world for our survival. And then, as we grow older, there's a part of us that desperately wants to be seen, to be validated as a, as a separate human that wants her part. Opinions to matter that wants to take up space and often as we get older, those 2 parts are in competition with each other. And I had a disagreement with my husband. Um, it was a fight and I was standing in front of him trying to explain my. Point of view, and I was keenly aware that there was a part of me that just wanted this whole thing to be over. I wanted to just say, I'm sorry, and patch it all up so that I could feel connected again. But then there was this other part of me that was saying, no, we can't do that. And the protector part, I'm going to call that protector. So there was this Protector part was saying, no, we can't just give up our opinion. We can't just pretend like nothing's wrong. Just so you connector part can get what you want. And I was very aware of these two parts having this. Discussion that's usually subconscious because parts are created when we're very young and we just grow up with them and kind of their chatter is the wallpaper that we just live with. But because I have been doing this work, I could hear their conversation and connector part was saying, I just, I'm scared. I just want connection. I'm willing to do anything to get it. You can hear some of the emotion. In my voice, because I feel really tenderly toward that part who just wants to be loved and protect your part is saying, Nope, we can't have that because. We have to protect ourselves. We can't show that we want it this badly. We have to pretend like it's not that big a deal. We have to pretend like, um, we'll be fine if we don't get it. And of course this conversation, the other part is like, no, but we won't be fine. We won't be fine if we don't get this. And so just recognizing that we have different parts of us that serve different purposes of protection and connection is part of this revolution as well, because now that I know those parts are there, I can actually interact with them as adult Sarah, who has resources, who can be compassionate, Who can be curious because as I sat with those parts and I just asked both of them questions, I asked connector part, what do you want? And she's like, I just want to feel safe. I just want a hug. I want to feel loved. And I was able to offer that to her. Now, is it enough to just live your whole entire life only connected to yourself? I don't think so. I think we are wired to belong to ourselves and we are blind wired to belong to other people. So it's not like that's the end of the story, but that's the beginning of secure attachment to myself, where I am able to show up for my own need for connection with my own love and compassion. And where I can say, I see you. I hear you. You are right. We want connection. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you. I am paying attention. And then that part can calm down a little bit and not be so frantic or frenzied and then protect your part. I could ask her, what, what are you concerned about? What do you think is going to happen? And here's what she said that was so, so clear and so simple. And yet so life changing for me. She said that other part connector part, she'll do anything for connection, including not having the hard conversations. That we need to have and I'm just not willing to do that anymore. So what I was able to do with protector part is say to her, you are right and it is no longer acceptable in this most intimate relationship with my husband who sacrifice the hard conversation just so that I can get belonging and connection. It was a big deal. And what I want you to think about is the universality of that experience. We all are taught as good girls to sacrifice. The hard conversation, whether it's the conversation about what we really think the conversation about what we really want the conversation about what we really need for connection and managing that the managing the conversation between those two parts is a complex skill that we are never taught. We are never taught to love ourselves for the way that we want. Belonging and connection, we're taught to either be ashamed of it to pretend it doesn't exist to label it over sensitive or over dramatic or some type of, you know, negative thing to downplay it to dismiss it. And we are never taught that this other part of us that wants to be seen as who we truly are is valid and has such an important function. It just has to work together with the belonging and so that's why we feel like this push pull when we're learning to stop people pleasing is because it is literally the push and pull of those two parts trying to get what they each want, belonging and independence, recognition, sovereignty, love and connection, and being recognized as a person. Who is herself, who is able and capable of being herself. So when you think about the push and pull that you feel as you are trying to navigate not people pleasing anymore, I wonder what would happen for you if you gave each of those um, kind of different forces, the push and the pull. Little personalities, like I've given my parts, there's connector part and protector. I, me, adult Sarah, who can be curious and I can connect to both of those parts. I can have compassion for them. I really understand why they want what they want. I can really understand that I now can manage the conversation and I can say to them, connect your part. You are right. We need to have connection and belonging and we will get that and protect your part. We need to have the hard conversation that I'm really worried will disrupt our connection. You're right. And I need to figure out how to do that. And then the process smooths out. It doesn't mean that it's. Completely without speed bumps, because the speed bumps are just part of being human. But what happens is I can then hold myself all of the different aspects of that push and pull those parts with so much more love and understanding as I have personified those parts that are within me. I have felt so much more love and compassion for who I am and my ability to be open hearted toward myself and other people at a new level. So I offer this to you with my love. I hope you know. I think you're amazing. This is going to make me emotional too, because I talked to so many of you who are so amazing. I have no doubt that you will work this people pleasing thing out for yourselves. I am so grateful and so honored to be A part of that for you, whether it's through the podcast, whether you follow me on social media, whether you're one of my clients, I have so much faith and trust in you as, as a human to get this figured out. And I'm so honored to contribute a part of it when I have the opportunity to celebrate some of you, it brings me such immense joy. I will be launching the next Stop People Pleasing group starting January 15th. I'm going to do a webinar. I want 2024 to be the year that you stop people pleasing. And in that webinar on the 15th, starting at 1pm Pacific, I'm going to walk you through the five steps that you need to know and be practicing to manage The speed bumps of, of stopping people pleasing. And I'm going to take you into a deep dive into one of those steps, which is processing emotions, understanding all of the emotions that your different parts bring up in this process. You will leave understanding so much more how to process. The discomfort that is a natural, normal part of this journey to stop people pleasing. The group that I am currently in right now, I just want to share a couple of the stories from our group that's meeting right now and past groups because I want you to see yourself in these stories. What would you be like? Without people pleasing, imagine yourself speaking up in your intimate relationships for what you need, knowing full well that you could get those needs answered. That is one thing that one of the participants right now has done with her permission. I share this. This is what she posted in our Facebook group. I'm celebrating successfully articulating a boundary with my sister on the phone yesterday with Sarah's coaching. I was able to previously practice on zoom, how I was going to navigate this boundary. And it was so cool, how much easier it was to walk into the conversation with the prep work done while it was difficult to lean into the discomfort of anxiety, worrying about how my sister would take the new boundary. It was such a relief knowing that if the boundary is respected. I will find so much more connection and longevity in the relationship. She didn't respond defensively, like I had expected. And I now have the relief that our relationship will persist without the fear of this boundary getting crossed again, looming in the distance. Thank you so much, Sarah. Now, all of the steps that have led up to this beautiful participant being able to do this. It's been building. It's been slow and it is slow precisely because we are balancing that safety and connection dynamic, which is so central to being human. And so it is such a huge win for her. And I want you to imagine. What would it be like for you to have the confidence to know that no matter what we come up against, I'm going to be able to handle it. I'm going to be able to share what I need and what I want with the self assurance that comes from knowing that my needs are valid and that I know how to get them met. I have another past participant who just sent me a text about managing a really difficult dynamic. With a job that she is in and wanting to ask for a raise because she's been given a lot more responsibility and she talked to me about planning the conversation, processing her emotions, then finally being able to bring it up with her supervisor who said, yeah, sure, which is so funny because I think half the time, the awful thing we think is going to happen just doesn't happen. But imagine that. You, in 2024, being able to take new risks at work, with the confidence. That comes from knowing that you will have your own back, no matter what happens, and that you'll figure it out. That's what this client had to believe, like, even if I ask for this raise and don't get it, I'm going to have my back and I'm going to figure it out. Another client gave me permission to share an experience she had walking into a group social event where, um, her husband hadn't saved her a seat. Table was crowded. There were a lot of people drinking and she just didn't want to participate in the alcohol fueled experience that it was going to be. It just nothing against alcohol fueled experiences. It just wasn't for her. So she excused herself and she went and took care of herself and her needs a different way. Can you imagine disappointing other people, even family members. Because you know it is what is best for you. Sometimes you choose the other person in the relationship, but sometimes you choose yourself. And choosing yourself, even when it means other people will be mad, or they will misunderstand you, possibly, or they will be disappointed. But knowing that you can do that. One of my, uh, clients who has repeated this course several times, Sent me a message about a new conversation. She was able to have with her daughter who has multiple health, uh, mental health challenges. She really worries ahead of their conversations because she's afraid this child will get mad at her or that she will trigger some kind of, you know, mental health episode. But with the coaching that she has gotten through several rounds of Stop People Pleasing, she said, I was able to have the conversation with her. I totally dreaded that she would be mad, but I was able to manage my dread and have the conversation anyway. We were able to agree on a new living situation for her that I think will be so much better for both of us. Imagine doing that, being able to have relationships. Where you articulate boundaries with love and compassion, where you are able to be bold about what you like and what you don't like about who you are and what you want, and that it can be the start of a new relationship, even with an existing person in your life. You can let go of relationships that are no longer serving you, feeding you, helping you, and you can create brand new relationships with the people who already exist in your life because of the way that you are able to speak up. This is what I want for you. It's what I want for me. It's why I keep doing this. It's primarily, first and foremost, for myself. And I love that we're doing it together. I love that you're listening to this. I love that this matters to you. And I love that my brain spends so much time thinking about this and trying to put it into something that is helpful for you. So if today has been helpful, if talking about this revolution in the way that I have. About the time that you lose to other people, the way of being in the world that changes when you are able to stop people pleasing and the way that you're able to manage that push pull between safety and connection. If this has been helpful, come to my webinar on the 15th, 1 p. m. Pacific. You'll find a link in the bio and the show notes of this podcast and in the bio of my Instagram profile. Why can I never remember that name? Instagram social media profile, because I would love to contribute in any way possible to you. No longer pleasing in 2024. My last announcement for today. Is that to this end of being helpful and contributing to no more people pleasing for you in 2024. I'm opening a free Facebook. It will be called stop people pleasing because, you know, when it works, just keep using it. And here's my commitment to you. I promise. That in that group, you will find relevant, helpful information for you every week. I want to honor the fact that some people are ready to pay money for a group coaching experience that is intimate, where you get my weekly help, my daily help. If that's what you need, that's what the group coaching program will be weekly, daily coaching, reminding, workshopping. Any experience or situation that you have, and some people are not ready for that, but they want to be on this journey. And I'm opening the Facebook group for you. So keep an eye on social media for the link for that, because we are all in this together. I really believe that. I love the way that you enrich my life with your feedback, your stories, your comments, your wins, your celebrations. I live for that. It's so amazing. And I want to honor those who are ready to make a commitment of time and money. To get this solved at a higher level. I want there to be something for everyone. Have a wonderful new year and I will talk to you soon.