Episode 51: The Size of Our Wanting is the Size of Our Life
Jan 24, 2024Season 1Episode 51
Sara Fisk
Our wanting is essential and important. Women feel shame around wanting because we’ve been taught to not want things. “Don't be needy or selfish.” How many times have you heard or felt this? Do you choose not to hope or strive for your heart's desires because it's easier to not want than to be disappointed? Wanting is opening up to your curiosity on your path to self-discovery. You can want impossible things. You can have a big beautiful full thriving life doing what you want to do. I want you to love who you are; to have the experience of love and being in awe of ourselves is what I want for all of us. Can’t wait for you to listen.
Our wanting is essential and important. Women feel shame around wanting because we’ve been taught to not want things. “Don't be needy or selfish.” How many times have you heard or felt this? Do you choose not to hope or strive for your heart's desires because it's easier to not want than to be disappointed? Wanting is opening up to your curiosity on your path to self-discovery. You can want impossible things. You can have a big beautiful full thriving life doing what you want to do. I want you to love who you are; to have the experience of love and being in awe of ourselves is what I want for all of us. Can’t wait for you to listen.
You are listening to the ex good girl podcast episode number 51. Hey, before we jump in, I just wanted to ask you to take a minute and make sure that you are following the show. A recent podcast update through Apple or Apple update. I'm actually not sure which kicked a bunch of people off the shows that they're following. And if you would just take a second to make sure you are following the show, that would be fantastic. Also, if you haven't had a chance yet to leave some feedback, I would appreciate it so much. If this podcast has been helpful to you, if it's been something that you've recommended to friends, if you would just take a second and do that, I I'd be really grateful. Thank you. All right, I want to talk about three recent events that have brought the topic of wanting back to center stage in my brain. It's never really far from, uh, the stage in my brain because it's something I'm paying a lot of attention to, uh, last year and this year, but three things happened that really kind of brought it up again and showed me kind of a different dimension, um, of myself and my own wanting and. Maybe it'll tell you a little bit about yours because that's the whole point, right? So wanting what we are allowed to want, how we get what we want is always something that I have noticed in myself and other women. Well, not always, but recently, uh, in the last maybe 18 months to two years. And so I read the book on our best behavior by Elise Lunen. Go read it immediately. It is about how women's behavior is shaped and controlled by the seven deadly sins pride. Greed, lust or vanity, gluttony, sloth, wrath, and envy. So that was the first thing that happened. The second thing, inside my group coaching program, which is called Stop People Pleasing, we just had our Wanting Week, where we discuss Reconnecting to our wanting how to let ourselves want what we're allowed to want, how we get it, all of the, the, the messaging and programming that women get around wanting. And then how do we know and get what we want? And then third, I had dinner with an old friend who is doing some big, amazing things in the world. And I noticed my internal reaction to her. Now, as a frame of reference, I have 2 protective mechanisms that come up whenever I want something, or when I see women doing big things. And sometimes in the past, I've felt some, uh, some shame and kind of disappointment in myself for having these protective mechanisms, but I don't anymore. And so I share them. Maybe you have something similar because there's a, there's a really good reason we try to protect ourselves from wanting things. So the 1st. Protective mechanism that comes up for me is when I see a woman doing big things, taking up space on stage, sharing her work with the world. I have an internal voice that says, sit down. All right. All right. All right. Yeah. We know you're a big deal. Sit down. And I begin to judge or criticize Aspects of what she is doing. And a lot of it sounds just like the voice of patriarchy. Why is she wearing that? Does she know her hair looks like that? It comes out really just automatically. And like I said, in the past, I felt some shame, but now I just know it's part of the way that I've been programmed to think about not only other women doing big things and taking up space, but me doing big things and taking up space. The second thing that I've become aware of more recently is kind of this famed sufficiency or disinterest. I will pretend like I don't really want something and it comes from not wanting to be sad or hurt if I don't get it. If one of my expectations isn't met, that's okay. I didn't really want it that bad anyway, or if someone disappoints me with something, that's okay. I didn't really care that much about it anyway, or if a person leaves my life, that's okay. I wasn't really that attached to them anyway. And so that's the way that I keep myself insulated from pain and disappointment. And it also keeps me from sharing too much of myself, which would feel overly vulnerable or overly exposed. And then if they left or they didn't agree with me, then I would feel terrible. So I just pretend like I don't care about it that much. So I've been in conversation with those parts of me, trying to learn from and listen to them so that they can not only teach me, but so that I can kind of comfort and be with them. That is kind of the context for this first thing I want to tell you about, which is the dinner with my friend. Her name is Kira Brinton. She is a book publisher and a book medium. You should go follow her immediately. She is amazing and we've been friends for quite some time. She was in town. We went to dinner and I've always loved her. We got to know each other when we were both Mormon women, um, attending church on Sundays. We were working together in assignments. And since then, we've both stepped into coaching in different spaces in different ways. But as I have watched her grow, I've always been envious of how joyfully expressive, unapologetic she is about the way she works. And moves in the world, there's always been something about her that has struck that enviousness in me. And I've noticed it in the past, but as I sat with it at dinner, as she was talking about the thing, she's been doing the project she's working on. And I was just seeing her in all of her wonder and excitement and belief. And I was just having this little out of body experience where I was listening to her, but also noticing that envy that came up about how freely she expressed herself, how unapologetic she was. And how unafraid she was to talk about wanting really, really big and in my mind, impossible sounding things. So I'm listening to her and I'm feeling the envy rise in my body, envy for how easily she's just able to say what she wants, envy about how big the things are and how they'll propel her into being seen in even bigger ways and doing even bigger things in the world. And so. Now, when that envy comes up because of the book on our best behavior by Elise Lunen, I have a different frame of reference. I finished reading it in December. I highly, highly recommend it because this is what she said in her book about envy. That totally changed my perspective. She quotes author and psychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb. And this is what Lori says. I always say to people, follow your envy. It tells you what you want instead of sitting there and saying, Oh, I wish I had what that person has and then denigrating them to make yourself feel better. Say what is this telling me and how can I get it? So that's what I was doing. Lonan Lunan, excuse me, writes that women are so conditioned to be ashamed of being envious that whenever envy appears, it's followed by an immediate shame response. And we don't get curious about why the envy is there in the first place. The shame shuts us down, pushes us into judgment or criticism of the women we envy so that we can find reasons why they are bad or wrong. And we can feel better that way. Oh, I just, I noticed this pattern so, so much in myself. And I noticed that my mind, when I was talking with Kira really wanted to go to judgment, to start picking apart the things that she was telling me she wanted and why it was just not a good idea and not logical and probably not going to work out the way she wanted. And so I noticed my brain wanting to go to judgment, but I kept pulling it back to curiosity and I kept asking myself. What is this envy telling me about me and how is it pushing up against the boundaries? Of what I believe I'm allowed to want, because that is at the core of my own programming, even with all the work I have done, letting myself want things that I don't think are okay is still hard. I still have limits. I think some of the most important questions we can ask ourselves as women are, what do I think I'm allowed to want? So take a second and just answer that question wherever you are, whatever you're doing, what are you allowed to want for yourself? What are the limits? How are you allowed to think about yourself and your wanting? What are you allowed to believe is possible for you? What are you envious of in other people? And then just notice what comes up. And just remember that we have been taught as women that wanting is not okay. In fact, not wanting is preferable. We are rewarded for being easygoing, relaxed, easy to work with, flexible, accommodating low maintenance is what is, is what is prized. So, of course, it's going to feel really uncomfortable and even wrong to let your wanting come up. We get told that we are too much or too dramatic if we express wanting big things. And then if we do have the courage to want something. There's all these rules about it. We can't want something that is inconvenient or will put someone else out or that will have us be considered too much. It has to be well researched and you have to have all of your very good reasons about why it's okay to want this. It's a lot, no fucking wonder that we have trouble identifying what we want and that sometimes when we can, it still feels bad and wrong. So then just this last week we had our group coaching session around wanting. And I took the group through what I call a want download. It's just a dumping out of all of the things that you might possibly maybe want, just letting all of your desires tumble out. And noticing one, how difficult it might be to access what you want and two, how you judge what you want. I want to invite you to do the same thing. For this want download, there are two rules. Number one, no editing. Or judging admitting that you want something doesn't even actually mean you're going to do anything about it, but just let all the wants come out. Don't try to edit them. Don't criticize them. Don't judge them again. Just because you write them down doesn't mean anything and rule number 2. No, how, no wondering how your brain will immediately try to tell you all the reasons why you can't have the thing, all the obstacles that are in the way of it, all the reasons why this isn't going to work. Just remind your brain that we're not worrying about that right now. It will go, but, but, but, but, but, you know, and try to give you all the reasons and just say, it's all right. We're not worrying about the how right now. We're just getting a list of everything that we want. And so, as I did this with the women in my group, they started putting pen to paper and they started noticing and saying things like. Gosh, this feels like a door that is locked that I'm not allowed to open. I noticed that I'm looking at all of my wanting through a lens of like morality to write or if it's wrong. Some of them were noticing how much emotion came up as they were asking themselves what they want, sadness and frustration. And resentment, others were seeing all of the limitations that they placed on themselves about what they were allowed to want and working through the resistance of all of those rules was coming up for them. Everything that we wanted as a group, we went around the class and kind of named a couple of things and everything that we wanted. Arrest, to be taken care of, to experience more sexual pleasure, to have non traditional careers, to have more money, to take up space in the world, to have your work shown to big crowds, to perform in front of others, to not have to work so hard, wanting more. All of those wants pointed directly to the seven deadly sins. Pride, greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath. And envy. So what we want smashes into these rules about what we are allowed to want. And what do we do with that? No fucking wonder. It feels impossible for us to want and be comfortable and at home in our wanting. So we smash into the rules and then we pair back what we want, not wanting to be too much wanting to be acceptable, wanting to remain connected to the people around us who are going to have opinions. About what we want. So I'm sitting and having this conversation with Kira. I'm being really curious about it and so much of what she talks about just seems impossible, impossible for me. Some of the things she's talking about being included on big stages and sharing her ideas with big crowds of people, publishing books for well known authors with their really big ideas. shaping the world of authors and readers and having a network of people who are all involved in literally changing the world. And as I listened to how deeply she believed she could have it, there was a part of me that was envious and there was a part of me that wanted that too. This is vulnerable for me to admit, because again, one of the things I do to protect myself is pretend I don't want things. But this is my year of admitting that I want impossible things, too. I want a revolution. I want to be the part of the death of people pleasing for women around the world. You'll hear the emotion in my voice. Because I'm being vulnerable and saying something that this part of me is worried that if I put out into the world, we could be disappointed. But because of what I've learned in teaching myself to recognize and stop my people pleasing and how I've taught it now to hundreds of women and run this stop people pleasing group 9 times, I know that I can handle the fear of that disappointment. And so now I get to sit with that fear and pivot toward wanting impossible things and figuring out who do I have to be to want that? What is the first step in the direction of everything that I want? The way that I want to be the Brene Brown of people pleasing. I want to be the Sarah Fisk of people pleasing. It bumps up against a lot of my own programming. Um, don't draw attention to yourself. Kind of was a big thing that I grew up with. Don't make everything about you. Make sure you're a team player. Make sure you're sacrificing and giving to other people. Don't ask for too much because you might not get it. And so as I am in this very, um, tricky space of allowing myself to want and feeling all of my programming and feeling the envy and feeling the temptation to go into judgment and criticism instead of staying in curiosity, here's what I want to tell you. As women who are wanting deprived, we have our work cut out for us. You are going to bump up against your programming. You're going to bump up against the parts of you that want to protect you from being disappointed. Parts that are trying to protect you from getting what you want. I think every single one of us can identify something that we wish we could do that feels impossible, whether it's doing work on big stages. Or in small spaces, whether it's making a difference in big ways or small ways, I think it's pretty universal that we can feel something that we want. And now what I believe are two things. Number one, our wanting is the very, very best and most reliable compass. In pointing us in the direction of the life, we will want to be living. It takes some investigation. It takes getting to know what it is that you really want, because there will be some surface wants that present themselves first. I use this example because it is very autobiographical and I think very true. Often I will want chocolate, but as I have sat with what my wanting for chocolate really is. It's a wanting for pleasure. It's a wanting for something that is just for me. That feels like a treat and sometimes it might literally be chocolate, but it isn't always. And so as you sit with the thing that you want and really get to know it, you will notice the layers. But I promise you your wanting is the truest indicator. It's your true north. And if you follow it and sit with it and learn to recognize your programming, recognize your protector parts and recognize. That you can have it. Anyway, it will point you in the direction of creating what you want in your life. And that brings me to number two, what I've learned that the size of our wanting is the size of our life. It determines. The size of the life that we allow ourselves to live people. Pleasers tend to believe that they're being controlled by outside things. Other people's wants other people's needs other people's expectations. But as we move away from people pleasing and sit with what we want. We find so many places where we are actually in control because we can feel our discomfort and do the thing anyway. So 2024 is my year of wanting impossible things. After that conversation with Kira, I decided I'm only going to want some really, really impossible things. In fact, that quote, I only want impossible things, is from one of my favorite Willa Cather books, The Song of the Lark, and the protagonist, Thea, says, I only want impossible things. The others don't interest me. There was a time when I thought that was ridiculous. Like, listen, who do you think you are to want that? It's not a good idea. It's not logical. It's not sensible. You're probably not going to get it. But then all these things keep happening. What if it's okay to want something that seems impossible? Are you allowed to want that? Who would you have to be to get it, to allow yourself to want it, and then to move toward it? What's the first step? Step in that direction. So I declare this for me the year where I want impossible things. And I invite you to declare the same. Most of the things I want today feel truly impossible. I want a worldwide revolution where women can take off the shackles of people pleasing and perfectionism. I want a world where women are truly equal to explore and be themselves and have the things that they want. I want to be a part of bringing that to pass. I want a woman, a world. Where women love who they are, that they so thoroughly enjoy being selves in the world and that joy is a regular part of every day for them. Feels impossible. I want the experience of seeing more places of power occupied by more women. I want access to health care. I want everyone to be able to live the life that they want, whether they're queer or disabled, black, brown, poor. In January 2024, it feels like we're going backward in a lot of those things, but I'm saying it today. I want that. And I'm willing to work for it. I want the size of my wanting to be the size of my life. And if that resonates with you, take a minute and just name something you want, put it into the world, put it into words, and just understand. That if it brings up shame for you, you've been programmed to feel that shame. This is what Elise Loonan said. I also began to contemplate what it meant that envy so maligned, shameful, and hard to admit could be something good because it requires us to own our wanting. Envy is the fulcrum or hinge for desire. The first expression of agency. So what do you want in 2024 do a want download. And if you feel that shame and envy come up, know that it is normal. All of your conditioning, all of your protection parts, so, so normal. I would love it. If you would DM me some of the things that come up for you, some of the answers to these questions, some of the things that you come up and want, because what I prize. Almost more than anything else is a conversation. I think about you who listened to this podcast every week. I think about the people who are in my group coaching program, and I know that we are all doing this work of changing the landscape for other women by first changing our personal landscape about what we are allowed to want and who we are allowed to be. So in 2024, 2024. I only want impossible things and I invite you to want along with me. Thank you for listening. I'll talk to you next week. If this podcast has piqued your interest about my group coaching program, stop people pleasing. You need to know that it's open for registration. Right now, use the link in my bio to go to the information page that will explain everything that is included in the group coaching program. The 24 live group sessions that you get with me, the two private sessions. Tell you all about the amazing community of women that I have created to support you through your journey to stop people pleasing, and then book a consult with me so that you and I can talk about how your people pleasing shows up for you. And I can answer any of your questions about stop people pleasing because registration closes on January 26th. And I really want you in our next round. Have a great week.