Episode 55: How to Remodel a Relationship

This episode is all about relationships. As humans, we’re wired for connection and meant to have a variety of dynamics in our lives. Friendship, intimacy, and pleasure are necessary in life, as well as our independence. Life is the balance of independence vs. interdependence. In this episode I offer tools to help assess if you want to keep/continue to invest in the relationships in your life. This is your opportunity to consider your own needs first. Once you’ve assessed your relationship goals with yourself and others, you can move forward with ease and comfort. I can't wait for you to listen.  

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Transcript

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You are listening to the Ex Good Girl podcast episode 55. This episode has been brewing for a long time, And it seems like in the past couple weeks, I've had this conversation in 3 or 4 different coaching sessions that I've done with Individual clients and in my group coaching program stop people pleasing, and so I just thought, okay. It's time. It's time to put this into words and, Uh, get it out there so that it's something that we can be thinking about together and working on together because Every single 1 of us are in relationships. And I've given this episode the title, how to remodel a relationship, Not because I'm about to offer you the definitive, uh, end all be all episode on how to Make a difference in your relationships, but because I think I have some good ideas about how to move the needle forward. And anytime we are trying to make a difference in a relationship with another person where we don't control that other person, what we do is we try things and we evaluate how it works. We think of something that might possibly help. We try it and we evaluate the effect that it had. And we either, um, you know, change it up a little so that we can try it again, or we move on to finding something else. So What I hope to give you in this episode are 4 places where you can make a difference in what ever relationship you are in that needs a remodel. Now I have worked with a client this week on a family relationship, Another client with a romantic relationship, another client with a work relationship. So this works no matter what type of relationship we are talking king about friendships, family relationships, work relationships, romantic relationships, um, Across the board, whenever you are in a relationship with someone else, there's always places where you have some power to affect some change. Now I wanna give you a couple pieces of information for context that just kind of set up our conversation. Context piece number 1. As humans, we are wired for connection. It is not optional. Our needs cannot be met alone. We are meant to have relationships with other people, All different kinds, friendships, romantic, um, family, because the need that we have to belong, To have connection, to have friendships, to have intimacy, to have pleasure, to have, um, a place of community is that is the entire human race. And we are also meant to have independence. So we're meant to Actually, move back and forth between interdependence connected places of relationship and belonging with other people And independence, where we can meet some of our own needs and where we know who we are as an individual, and we can pursue hobbies and desires that are that are just ours. So if you think about the ideal human experience, it's pendulating or moving back and forth between independence and interdependence. We are meant to be able to meet some of our needs alone and some in relationships. Piece of context number 2. Women are overly tasked with being the caretakers of relationships. There is the Assumption that women are better nurturers, that women have more access to their emotions and can express themselves better, are more emotionally intelligent. Might that be true of certain women? Yes. Um, I don't think it was true of me for, um, for a long time. And if you are a woman or someone a human raised as a woman, you might have felt the pressure to be the caretaker of relationships. And I just wanna name that because you get to pick whether or not you want to do that. Just because you identify with the gender of being a woman, it doesn't mean that you're in charge of relationships you get to pick. Piece of context number 3. You always have the last say in whether or not to keep a relationship. Always forever period the end. So Even if you try a lot of things and you feel like they don't work, you still have the last say, that is always your final right is to pick, to choose, to invest in any relationship no matter how how it is for any reason that you like. So a lot of times women are reluctant to invest in a relationship because they have a sense that they don't wanna keep it anyway, but they feel obligated because women are overly tasked with being the caretakers of relationships. And what I just want you to keep and hold for yourself is, like, the final ace. Right? Your final card that you can play is always you have the last say always in whether or not to keep a relationship. Piece of context number 4. We have a western model of living that has a healthy dose of individualism in it. And I am not saying that that is good or bad. I think there's evidence for both. But that individualistic way of kind of going about our lives gives our relationships Some strain sometimes because there is a desire to be strong and self sufficient and not need other people and not be perceived as needy within this model of, like, very independent living. And sometimes that bites us in the butt because remember, we're wired for connection. And so sometimes the tension Jin is and this was very much the tension for me. I want to be impermeable to hurt. Right? I wanna be very So self sufficient, very strong, no 1 can hurt me, and I also wanna have a relationship where I'm close and vulnerable. Can you see how those those 2, um, ideas can't exist in the same place. And so within this really western model of being, you know, strong and self sufficient, we have to open up to the idea a little bit more that any deepening of a relationship, any growth in a relationship is risky. Key. We could be hurt. We could be, um, misunderstood. We could end up facing loss. And so Just the tension between wanting to be in relationships but not wanting to be hurt because we have this really independence minded way that a lot of us in the United States or in the western part of the world have grown up. I just want to name that as well. So With that context in mind, here are the 4 things that I want to offer for you to try to do some research on and to do some evaluation around. Number 1, when you're looking at any relationship, work, family, friendship, intimate, whatever, what are your reasons for wanting to keep or to continue to invest in that relationship. I feel like this is the essential place to start. The other 3 steps you can do those in any order. I don't really think it matters, but this 1 is the place to start because oftentimes especially as a human trained up to be a good girl and a good wife and a good mother, I had the belief that I had to keep all my relationships. Like, I had to, uh, nurture all of them. I had to invest in all of them, and that it was bad, that I was a bad friend if I didn't wanna be friends anymore, that I was a bad, uh, whatever, you know, if I if I wanted some distance. And so it's really important to get clear on what your reasons are for wanting to keep or to continue to invest in that relationship. This became really clear to me when, um, this is now, like, 8 years ago. My husband decided that he no longer wanted to participate in the church that we had both been raised in, married in, raised our children in, kind of the thing we thought we were gonna do forever and ever together, the Mormon church. Uh, he had some really valid issues that led to his decision to want to leave, and this was the first thing I had to do. Because for better or for worse, I had been raised to believe that my whole life would be walking this particular religious path with him. And then now that it wasn't going to be anymore, I needed to really get clear on, do I want to be married to him as he is, you know, not attending Mormon church anymore? The answer was yes. But that time that I gave myself to really get clear on my reasons for wanting to continue to invest in our relationship, that was everything because it was hard. There were a lot of ups and downs or a lot of things that we had to figure out together and not just around, like, him not being Mormon anymore. Just 2 humans trying to work out a life together. Um, so I think that this is the place to start. Write to down your reasons for why you want to keep the relationship or why you want to continue to invest in the relationship. And I think those are 2 different things. Keeping a relationship means just letting it go as it is. Right? You know what? Now that I think about this relationship let's say you have a relationship with a co worker that is a little bit awkward. You work on projects together. It's in your best interest to keep the relationship, but not necessarily to try and deepen it or invest in it to try and take it to whatever next level or iteration of closeness it could be. Make a distinction there. What are your reasons for wanting to keep or continue to invest in the relationship. And if there aren't any, that will be telling. Right? That you want to know what your reasons are. And once you know what your reasons are that becomes the fuel for doing these next steps. If you're solid on having some good reasons why you want to invest in a relationship or continue to invest, it's gonna make the next 3 steps a lot easier. If you realize, you know what? I'm not really interested in investing in this relationship, but I do wanna keep it, then you don't even have to go on to the next 3 steps because you're just gonna let things kind of Ride the way they are and continue, and you're gonna be fine with that. And then the third option you might discover, I don't really have Good reasons for wanting to keep this relationship or continue to invest in it. And so I'm gonna begin the process of letting this relationship go. So once you've done that, the next step or a next step would be to be to do an assessment of what is working in the relationship so that you can do more of that. Let's go back to the awkward coworker relationship. Let's say that you know that you want to keep that relationship and maybe even invest in making it better. And what you've noticed about this awkward coworker relationship is that sometimes you, uh, can bring your coworker some kind let's say a doughnut. I don't know. Maybe that's the most cliche, uh, example any, you know, ever thought of, but let's just go with it. So you realize Coworker really likes maple donuts. And so you do an assessment. He really likes that maple bar that I bring in. I'm gonna do that a little bit more. In a romantic relationship, You do an assessment of what is working. 1 of the things that was really working for my husband and I during, um, the kind of tumultuousness of him leaving the church was laughing. We laughed together a lot, and so we focused on that. Because remember, Doing what works is always a good idea. Right? If it works, do more of it. You want to be able to have some clear things that produce more connection, more laughter, more friendship, more belonging and to do more of that. Next, you're gonna do an assessment of what is not working, and you're gonna look at it in 2 different ways. So once you have your assessment of what is not working, let's say, you really want more connection. You really want your needs and wants to be better understood. That's on your list of what is not working. The first way you're gonna look at that list of what is not working is, what part of this thing that's not working, is something that I could do more of for myself. What part what are the things on this list of things that are not working that are needs that I could fill for myself first? Now it's important to understand. I am not suggesting that that is going to be the fix for everything. What I am suggesting is that In the 2 people in the relationship, you are fully in charge of you. And so we're gonna start with How can you meet some of these needs, these wants, these desires for yourself? And let's see how that changes your experience because we're not in charge of the other person. Now we are eventually going to take some of these things to them as well, but we're gonna start with you because you are totally in charge of you. So when you're looking at what you want more of, Where could you give yourself more connection with yourself? More spending time with yourself? More getting to know your needs and wants. This is a really, really essential place to start because as people who are socialized as women, we are taught that our own needs and wants are secondary to those of everybody around us. And so often, I get a woman in her forties, fifties who says, I don't even know what I want or what I need exactly. Like I've spent so much of my time and energy and effort doing for other people. I don't know. And so that is your unique job and opportunity to find out. Spending time with yourself, your wants, and your needs, and asking, How can I meet this need for myself first? Looking around at the people in your life who are modeling meeting their own needs in healthy ways, whether it's people on social media, people you actually know. Like, who do I see in my life who seems to be doing a good job of this and what are they doing? What resources Do I need to be able to do more of this for myself? Sometimes it's a big resource like a therapist or a coach or some kind of program that helps you uncover more about yourself or take care of The stress and burnout that you feel in your life, you know, just as an example. Sometimes it's a little resource. I bought myself a coloring book. That is a resource so that I can take care of my need for some distraction, some creative expression, and I bought it for myself. I've been using it for a couple weeks now. I love to color. I have not I don't even remember the last time I colored. You know? Maybe Elementary school, who knows? But when I answered the question, what resources do I need to be able to do more of What I need for myself, it was a coloring book, so I bought it. When you answer that question, there might be some resources that are readily available and some that might take a little more time. The next question that you can ask to figure out what you can do more of for yourself is where do I have habits of behavior or thinking that might be obstacles. Where do I what are the stories that I tell myself about my partner that might not be the best stories to be telling myself. I used to tell myself all the time that Dan, my husband, wasn't interested in my feelings. Like, he just did not care. That was not true. The real truth was I had a very hard time expressing them, and so it was just easier to believe that he wasn't interested. But look at the way that you tell yourself stories about your boss, about your mother-in-law, about your neighbor, And just be aware that some of them might be obstacles to getting the relationship that you want, and those Thoughts and stories are uniquely yours to work on. Next question that you can ask yourself when you're thinking about how to do more for yourself. What is my ideal dream way of how I treat myself? What is my ideal dream way of how I take care of myself? And how can I do more of that for me? I love asking this question because it directly confronts the programming that a lot of women get that The white knight. Right? The the the person, the savior, the the hero is gonna ride in on the horse and save you from whatever hard situation you're in, and you need to be that person for you first. Are we gonna take this up with the other people in our in our relationships? Definitely. But we're focusing on you first as your own white knight, as your own hero because you have the most control over you. So when you think about what is my dream ideal way of caring for myself and treating myself, What skills or tools do I need to develop to make that possible? What do I need to be able to do for me as much of what makes me feel good and connected and known first. Maybe I need to develop Some tools and skills around setting and maintaining boundaries. Maybe I need to learn how to tolerate sharing something that feels vulnerable. Maybe I need to develop the skill of asking for something directly and not just hinting about it. Maybe I need to learn how to sit with discomfort or get out of black and white thinking. Maybe I catastrophize a lot or I go to blame and shame. So when you think about all the ways that you could take better care of you, here those are some things to think about because they can make a huge difference. My friend and colleague, Maggie Reyes, uh, who's a marriage coach for high achieving women always talks about how 1 person changing in a relationship can change the dynamic of that relationship. I have experienced that and believe it to be true. So the the list that I just went through are some really concrete ways that you can take that up with you first because we're in charge of you. At some point, There might be some things that you want to bring up with the other people in your relationships because you do want more of something else from this other person. The boss, the husband, the wife, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the friend doesn't matter. Right? This applies to everyone. So when you think about what I want more of from the other person, that is where you get to practice asking for what you want. I like this sentence. You know, I've been thinking about our relationship, and I have some ideas about how we could be closer. I've been thinking about some things that I would like to develop as part of making our relationship closer, more connected, and I have a few ideas that I'd like to share. And here's where you kind of go into research mode. Because the last piece of information that you need, you need to understand what the other person's goal is for your relationship and the capacity that they have for the changes that you want. So I'm giving you these last 2 together. Because now that we're gonna go to the other person and ask for some of the things that we want more of from then, What we're from them, what we're actually doing is finding out, do our goals for this relationship match? And does the other person have the capacity to do some of the things that we're gonna ask them to do? Now just a word about capacity. Someone might not have the capacity to be vulnerable the way that you want, and their capacity is based on 2 things, their willingness to develop it and their ability to develop it. So sometimes they're willing, but they're not able. They need to find more tools or get more resources for themselves. Other times they're not willing to develop the capacity. And while this might be sad and this is part of the, you know, inherent risk in relationships that I was talking about. We actually want to know whether or not they are willing and able to develop a relationship. Because if they're not, that is information we want to be able to use in our decision making process. And while it might feel sad, what I want you to think about is being in a relationship where you don't know if they're willing or able, that often is the stuck feeling that so many of us experience. It's because we don't know if they want our relationship to be better or if they're capable of it being better. So we want the data that comes from initiating some of these conversations and changes because either way, we will get to decide I wanna continue forward and invest in this relationship because the person has the capacity and our relationship goals match. Or You know what? I'm just gonna let this ride or I'm not gonna invest in it anymore because I see now that this other person we don't have the same relationship goals and there might not be the capacity for it. So the other reason that this matters is that Having relationship goals for someone else that they do not share is a recipe for disaster. It's just not something that the other person is capable of. Let me give you an example. My late mother-in-law was 1 of the most beautiful people and the most generous and caring people that I've ever met. And when we moved Closer to them, we moved from Texas to Arizona. I had all of these dreams in my brain about What it would be like to go over with my kids and make cookies with grandma and have her participate in their lives at a really high level. And it was a source of frustration to me that that that just didn't happen. It didn't didn't seem to be what she wanted. And so I remember taking the time to sit down and kind of analyze our relationship and realize, you know what? When I ask her if We can come over or if she wants to come over, about half the time she says she is busy doing other things. When I suggest activities, you know, about Half the time, it's really not something she wants to do. She doesn't really call me and initiate phone conversations or check ins or getting together or activity. And what that evaluation allowed me to see was, you know what? I just don't think we have the same goals. I wanted to be much more connected, much more actively involved in each other's lives, and she just didn't. And so having that data, although it made me sad because it kinda destroyed, you know, this figment of my imagination about the type of relationship we would have, what it allowed me to do was to love her as she was and to interact with her in a way that, uh, met both of our you know, it I lowered my expectations, and we were able to have a really great relationship that was satisfying for both of us. But I had to do the evaluation and get the data that showed me what it was that she was really interested in. So it is really essential to when you're thinking about what part of what is not working in this relationship, do I wanna take to my other person in this relationship, and do I wanna ask for more of from them? That is done at the same time that you are thinking about, okay, what is their goal for this relationship? What is their capacity to make some of the changes that would deepen or, um, you know, grow our relationship together, and do they really wanna do that? So Oftentimes, this is where 1 of my clients will say, well, why do I have to be the 1 to initiate this conversation or to do this assessing and investigating. Why do I have to do that? Valid question. Right? And the answer that I have for you that comes from, um, um, my own work, is it someone has to go first. Right? And since you're the 1 in control of you, it just makes sense for you to take some of these steps first because you are the 1 who wants the relationship to either change or be different, and you're totally in charge of you. I understand some of the frustration about wanting other people to change and be different. But you can either wait around for them to change and be different, or you can take some of this into your hands and make some of the changes that you want to do. So when you are going to take this these requests for something else that you want to your partner. I suggest you think about it in this way. Having the conversation in a low stakes when tensions are not high, when there is no activation in your relationship. And I said this sentence earlier, and I'll say it again. This could work with any conversation or, sorry, any type of relationship. I've been thinking about our relationship, and I have a few ideas that would bring us closer or that would give us a better working relationship. I've been thinking about our working relationship, and I think I have some ideas that might smooth over or make our relationship easier. And then naming some of the things that you want. Looking back at that list of some of the things that aren't working, what would you start with? And having that conversation in a low stakes way when the tensions are not high and offering a suggestion. Because, again, this is part of seeing whether or not the other person has the same goal and has the same capacity for changing in the relationship. I think that if you will look at this part of the relationship process as, like, research mode, it will be a little bit easier for you. You are trying to find out whether or not this thing that you have proposed in like a scientific exploration kind of way. Remember you have your hypothesis. Hey. I think this will work. Then you run the test. Then you get the data and you examine it and you evaluate. Did it work? Did it give me the result that I was hoping we would get? If it did, great. Let's do more of it. Now it goes into the category of what is working for us. If it didn't, why didn't it work? Is there something that I could change or do differently and try again so that I could get a better experience? Treating it as a research mode time in your relationship, I think helps mitigate some of the anxiety that we feel around taking the risk. I hope that these things have been helpful. I'll go through them again just kind of as a summary. Number 1, make sure that you know your reasons for wanting to keep or to continue to invest in the relationship. Number 2, do an assessment of what is working and do more of that. Number 3, do an assessment of what is not working, and then meet some of your own needs for that first, and then take your requests for what you want to the other person. Because number 4, you're also finding out what their goal is for your relationship and determining their capacity for the changes you want to make, always holding in mind, you are holding the ultimate card, Ace, that you always have the last say about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a person who does a certain thing, who acts a certain way, because acceptance of who they are might just be the thing that you need to be able to continue on in having a relationship with them. Now there are all kinds of caveats to this. This does not apply to relationships of abuse where you are being abused physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, this does not work. You are not trying to get less abuse in your relationship. Right? That that is a place where you need the hope of a professional to intervene. So please do not take this and try to use it in relationships where you're being abused. This has worked for me in multiple relationships, in multiple, um, different types of relationships. And if you decide to try some of the things that I've talked about, I would love it if you would send me a DM. Uh, Instagram was a great place to find me, and just let me know What happened? What worked? What didn't work? And if I can offer any follow-up in DMs, I'm happy to do that. As always, Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week.