The Ex-Good Girl Podcast

Episode 69 - Awareness, Capacity and Skills Part Two: Listen In On This Coaching Call

• Sara Fisk • Season 1 • Episode 69

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Welcome to part two of my series on how to make lasting, positive changes in your life. In part one, I shared my framework for change and three things you need to make it work: awareness, capacity, and skills. In this episode, I share a conversation I had during a coaching call with an amazing client. During this call, we discussed how she uses awareness, capacity, and the skills she's been learning in our sessions to stop abandoning herself and stop people pleasing.  I am so grateful that she agreed to share this snippet from her session so that you can hear how awareness, capacity, and skills facilitate the shift to honoring yourself in real-life situations for lasting, positive change. After you listen, don’t forget to sign up for From Stuck to Secure, my masterclass and workshop series kicking off on June 25th, so you, too, can feel confident and secure as you learn to honor your needs and show up for yourself.

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Sara:

You are listening to the X good girl podcast, episode 69. Last week's show was about the three things that you need to make any change, awareness, capacity, and skills. I had just recorded that episode. And then later that day, I had a coaching session with a client and we had a really great conversation about how she was using awareness, capacity, and the new skills that she's been learning in our coaching sessions. To make really huge progress, reducing her people, pleasing and feeling confident doing it. I'm so proud of her and so grateful that she agreed to share this snippet from her session so that you could see how awareness capacity and skills show up and are useful in real situations in real life, enjoy this episode. It seems like there is some ease.

Emily:

Or some flexibility or both. Both. Yeah, probably more flexibility. Like trying to work in that flexibility.

Sara:

Okay. What do you think you are doing that is enabling or creating that flexibility?

Emily:

I think it's really just being more in tune with the fact that I'm struggling. Like, oh, I'm struggling with this. Why am I struggling with this? Oh, because I'm I generally struggle with sometimes, you know, making the right decision and then going back to I'm making the right decision with the information I have. Okay, this is good. So I think it really comes back to just recognition or, you know, getting familiar with that feeling of I'm struggling with this. Why am I struggling with this?

Sara:

Yeah. Okay. So it's a recognition of process that used to just be very automatic and habitual. Mm hmm. The overthinking, the worrying, the delaying, making the decision until you have some kind of sign that says, this is

Emily:

exactly the right decision or some sort of validation from somebody else, something along those lines. Yep. So you recognize it. And then what happens next? I take a breath, really. It literally, what I do is literally just go. Okay. I, you know, I see why this is hard. This is the pattern that I've been hard. It doesn't, I basically talk myself through it. Like, like, this is okay. We've been here. We've done this. We can make a good decision. Um, it doesn't have to be this hard along those lines, but basically I stop with a, I start with a breath and just breathing, just going, okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Sara:

I just want to ask when you're saying, okay, all right, this is what's happening. And you start to talk yourself through it. How does that feel?

Emily:

It feels good. It feels like, okay, I'm not alone. I am the only person in the conversation, but I'm not alone. Like I, I'm, um, before I think I would just be like, oh, I'm, I'm just all alone and I can't make a decision. And I'm really small. And this is just being like, no, I have tools. That's what it is. It's I have tools to help me with this.

Sara:

Yeah. Okay. Which is so interesting because when you are just in the overthinking, overwhelm cycle, there is a part of you that is alone. Yeah. Yeah. And so even though you are the only human, right? Yeah. Right. We do leave parts of us completely alone to just act out those patterns. Yes. And what you're doing is like, Oh, hi. Yeah, that is happening right now. You're struggling. Yeah. Asking why taking a breath gets you out of this and into your body. Yep. And then you're essentially saying this makes sense. I can understand why this is happening. You have tools now you're not alone. Exactly. Yeah. And then there's another part that you didn't name, but has to be here, which is. I trust that even if we decide later that we would have done the other, should have done, or would have done, or could have done, it would have been better to do the other Boston race, we're just going to do another Boston race. It's going to be okay. Going to be okay. Yeah. I trust you can handle, sorry, I didn't mean to

Emily:

cut you off. Oh, no, you're that's fine, which is also really interesting because this morning what happened was, uh, you know, I've got my trip to Paris coming up and I'm in charge of, um, booking the Eiffel Tower tickets and normally they have a schedule and they're like, we release them on this day and blah, blah, blah. With the Olympics coming up, they've been like. At some point we'll release tickets. So I've been trying to check in periodically and, and they've been only releasing like a day at a time. And I still have like a week and a half before the day that we were supposed to go comes up. So this morning I check in, they're all sold out for like, they had opened up four weeks in advance and they are all sold out and I instantly felt the dread and the anxiety started coming in, like I've now ruined the entire trip because I couldn't figure out when to book these tickets. And I said, wait a minute. Yes, I understand why I feel this way. I'm still not there yet, but I said. Let's just take a breath. So I'm still in the breath component right part right now. But I didn't let myself completely spiral because I'm just like, I've just, I've ruined the entire trip. And it's like, how did you ruin the entire trip? Like you did not have a crystal ball. It wasn't like you missed the time you had no idea. And you had been watching it and it wasn't like you didn't watch it today. It was just that. Um, and sometimes between you know, when you look that last night at nine p. m. when you looked at it, you know this morning at 10 a. m. They decided to release a whole month's worth which they hadn't done before. So trying to be like, okay, how is this your how is this your fault? And so I'm still not convinced. It's not my fault, but I'm at least recognizing it and going, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Sara:

yeah. Okay. I do want to say something about that. But first, I want to say. This is a big deal. Thank you. I mean, I am trying to be very calm right now, but inside I'm like, okay, because this is awareness. Yeah. This is expanded capacity and new skills. Right. It's all there. It's the trite actor. Yes. Right. We, we need each one, but when they all come together, yeah, this is what happens. And what you're saying is, sorry, go ahead. You first. Oh, I

Emily:

was just, yeah. No, I was just going to say, I, uh, could just feel like I could feel it at, in the moment happening. And I was just like, I don't think I can stop it, but I can at least pause it for a moment and just let myself breathe, which is where I'm at. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Sara:

And then so I want to offer you how I'm seeing this Eiffel Tower situation and how it's a little different than the race situation. I just want to get your feedback and see if you think I'm close. Sure. So the Eiffel Tower feels a little bigger than your capacity right now to just walk yourself through it, take some breaths. This makes sense. I'm right here with you. It just, it's a capacity stretcher. Mm hmm. Absolutely. Maybe because it involves other people. Bingo. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So, when I offer it back to you that way, does anything change? It might not change how you feel about the Eiffel Tower thing, but I'm just wondering.

Emily:

Yeah. No, it, it, it does. It's like. It's just a normal cycle like this. This can be a normal cycle to go through and again, recognizing the capacity and realizing that this may take a few different skills or a few. Maybe it takes a little bit longer because it is a bigger deal or there's people involved. And so this is more deep seated or in my mind, at least, you know, this is what, like, in my head, this is a bigger problem. And so. It does make sense that, um, I don't feel like I have the capacity at the moment, but I'm also not letting it spiral. So it's like, okay, both things, both things can, can, can be there. I'm not, not letting it completely spiraled, but I'm not sure what the next step is and that's okay.

Sara:

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. And so this is going to take some expanded capacity, but you're already using skills to not let it. spiral. Yes. And it makes a lot of sense that this feels different because other people are involved, their expectations, what you said you would do, and it affects more than just you.

Emily:

Yeah.

Sara:

And it also makes sense because we've talked about how you were held responsible for things out of your control in the past. Yeah,

Emily:

it makes sense. Okay,

Sara:

so do you want to talk about the Eiffel Tower ticket? Is there something else you'd rather pivot

Emily:

to? I think that's, it's right in the moment. It's a, it's a, it's something that's happening. It'll, it'll help me process it. So I think that's good. And it is also encompassing of A number of aspects anyway,

Sara:

because it is one thing to have your own back and disappoint yourself and know that you can handle it. And it's an entirely different thing to potentially be disappointing other people. Yes. And to just experience what that feels like. Yes. Okay, so tell me what your brain is telling you is the worst possible scenario here.

Emily:

Everyone will hate me.

Sara:

That

Emily:

I will ruin the entire trip and no one will have a good time. Yes.

Sara:

Okay. I want you to, um, and actually, scratch that. Tell me about what it was like for little Emily to be blamed and held responsible for things that she wasn't in charge of.

Emily:

Crushing. Just, you know, like, crushing. Yeah.

Sara:

I can feel some of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. When we think about the part of you that experienced the crushing weight. Do you have any sense of where that part might be or how we might talk to that part.

Emily:

I feel like it's always in my stomach.

Sara:

Yeah. So, when you focus on the part that is carrying the crushing in your stomach, do you have any information about it or sensations?

Emily:

It is. It's almost like a boulder just sitting there, sinking, sink, a

Sara:

boulder that's just kind of in there sinking down. How do you feel toward that boulder?

Emily:

I don't know how, I don't know how to maneuver it or push it or just kind of like, I'm just looking at it. Like,

Sara:

what do I do with you?

Emily:

Yeah.

Sara:

Yeah. That would make a lot of sense. What emotion are you feeling right now?

Emily:

A lot of anxiety. Some fear. In. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Letting people down. Yeah, mainly, mainly anxiety and fear.

Sara:

So when you're thinking about the anxiety and the fear, is the part of you that's feeling that the same part that is feeling that crushing boulder? Or is it a different part? Just your best guess.

Emily:

That's a little bit more up in my chest, I think. Okay,

Sara:

so which part do you want to focus on? The fear and the disappointment? And the anxiety, or the crushing boulder?

Emily:

Probably the fear and anxiety and the worry, yeah.

Sara:

So when you've changed your focus to here in your chest, that crushing, excuse me, the fear and the anxiety, do you feel open to getting to know why it's there? Yeah. Does the fear and anxiety feel open to you being with it?

Emily:

It's a little fearful. Um, but also thankful that it isn't alone.

Sara:

Okay. Does it want to tell us what it's afraid of?

Emily:

Being alone. Yeah. Rejection and the disappointing others, but yeah, being alone.

Sara:

How do you feel hearing?

Emily:

Uh, a little bit understanding, but then also a little sad, um, knowing that this is a feeling that I've probably nurtured over time, like It has probably grown, you know, in part because that's how I, you know, the, uh, that's how I feel or that's how I, you know, viewed my circumstances. So it's, it's. I had to be there. Watch out for the danger.

Sara:

Did you know what to do with that fear and anxiety before? No. Okay. So can we hold two things at once, sadness, maybe that that fear and anxiety has been alone.

Emily:

Yeah.

Sara:

And also it makes sense because I didn't know what to do with it.

Emily:

Yes.

Sara:

How does the fear and anxiety respond to you holding those two things?

Emily:

It lessens, um, a little bit knowing that it isn't alone. It doesn't have to be quite as afraid, quite as, yeah, quite as anxious or quite as afraid.

Sara:

Why do you think the fear and anxiety is here?

Emily:

They've been my tools prior to this. Like that's how I've coped is. Being anxious or, you know, being afraid.

Sara:

What would happen if you weren't anxious and afraid? I would have so much more time to think about other things. Okay. Okay. Now, now, now that's you thinking that. Right? Right? That is me. Yes. Let's ask the anxiousness. And anxiety, what would happen if you were not here?

Emily:

What would warn

Sara:

you? From what? Or about what?

Emily:

Danger.

Sara:

The danger

Emily:

of? Letting people down. And yeah, uh, chasing people away.

Sara:

So this fear and anxiety, what it seems to be saying, and if these aren't the right words, you fix them. Mm hmm. If I weren't here to warn you, you would just be disappointing everybody all the time. Yeah. Does that feel clear? Or is it

Emily:

different? Nope, that kind of feels right. So,

Sara:

this makes sense. It does. How do you feel hearing fear and anxiety tell you that it's trying to warn you, help you?

Emily:

Like an insight into, you know, how my brain works. Um, but like, thankful that they are, they have a job and they've been doing it.

Sara:

How does the fear and anxiety respond to you understanding

Emily:

it's all they've wanted, you know, to be understood?

Sara:

It feels good, doesn't it?

Emily:

Yeah. Yeah. Not to be, you know, like, why am I, why am I anxious about this? Or why am I afraid, but actually being understood that no, this is, there's a reason for this.

Sara:

How old does this fear and anxiety think you are?

Emily:

Probably 10 or 11, maybe, maybe a little bit older, but not that much.

Sara:

So a kid.

Emily:

A kid, yeah.

Sara:

And so let's, this would be a good time to tell the fear and anxiety that you're not a kid. However, that feels good to do mentally, meaning inside your head or say out loud, whatever. Just let this fear and anxiety know that you're not a kid and see how it responds.

Emily:

I feel like I always get the same answer back, which is, are you sure about that?

Sara:

Okay, ask it more about that, about it not being sure.

Emily:

You need an authority figure.

Sara:

Question makes sense. Mm hmm. Why does it make sense for you?

Emily:

It goes back to not trusting myself, and so there needs to be somebody else to trust.

Sara:

Are you, the adult Emily, trustworthy?

Emily:

I'd like to think so. Um, you know,

Sara:

in most situations. Let's do this. What does it want to trust? Let's define that first. Mm hmm. What would the authority figure allow them to trust?

Emily:

That I'll be safe.

Sara:

Okay.

Emily:

That I'll make the right decision.

Sara:

Okay. Totally makes sense. Yeah. Yep. How would this part know that it was safe? Mm hmm.

Emily:

If everything was perfect, that was not what I was expecting.

Sara:

Where would this part have gotten that idea?

Emily:

I'm going to blame Disney movies. No. Or Mormonism. Or, you know, yeah, Catholicism. Or any of the isms, right? Any of the isms, yeah. That, and then I think also a little bit of, uh, you know, everything, Everything has a place and everything has to be in its place and everything needs to be perfect and tidy. Um, with a little bit of home. So, or, you know, can't have anything out of place.

Sara:

Yeah. And I'm going to take a guess. You tell me if I'm right or not. There were probably some times when you were 10 ish, a kid, when you did manage to do something perfectly or meet the expectations. And what happened when you did that? It wasn't perfect.

Emily:

It still wasn't perfect. Still wasn't perfect.

Sara:

Interesting.

Emily:

Or, I'll say, sometimes, but then, the next go round, it was, and then I would get praise.

Sara:

So, this part comes by its worldview, honestly. Mm hmm. And although it might not be conscious, It remembers those couple of times when we did manage to do it perfectly and we got praised, we felt good, we felt safe. Yes. Probably relief. Yes. And so it's always trying to get you back to the place where it's perfect. Mm hmm.

Emily:

Does that feel right? It does. It does. Yeah.

Sara:

How do you feel hearing that?

Emily:

Uh, it's no wonder I strive for as many cookies as I can get. Like, we say, we say, like a treat. Like, oh, this is great. Here you go. You know, it's, it's, it's no wonder that that, is something that I look for and I strive to achieve it.

Sara:

So, if you could put into words, for this part to hear, what is the, I don't know what else to call it, I don't love the word problem, but what's the problem with always trying to be perfect?

Emily:

It's an impossible standard and the effort that it takes is not necessarily worth it. And who's the judge? Who's perfect? Are we trying for it? Because there is no one perfect.

Sara:

Yes. So this is a key difference. The adult Emily understands that there is no one authority figure that is going to define that perfection in a way. That is guaranteed.

Emily:

Yeah,

Sara:

you're right. But this little part wants it. Still wants it. Why does she still want it?

Emily:

In some ways that was love. That was, you know, safety with love. It was um, belonging.

Sara:

That makes sense.

Emily:

Yeah.

Sara:

So as we give this part some new information, what is it that it wants us to know now?

Emily:

Am I still needed? Can I still belong? Can I still, can I still be part of the group? And it might take some time to trust. Trust what specifically? That I can be the, that adult Emily can be the authority figure. Does it

Sara:

want you to be the authority figure?

Emily:

Yes and no. Um, cause there's still that worry. What if it's too big? And what if, what if we need somebody else? That's fair. I think that's fair.

Sara:

Yeah. Are there some times when we do want an authority figure to help us with something? Yeah.

Emily:

If we have to go to the hospital, the best example I can come up with, but, uh, you know, something like that, where there's somebody who is, there's something that needs fixing that I don't know how to fix, or I can't Google to figure out how to fix it.

Sara:

So does it make sense that there is a little of. Yes, Emily to be the authority figure and other times. I'm not sure. I don't know. Yeah. So when would it make sense to this part that you be the authority figure?

Emily:

Almost like mundane tasks, like, uh, things that don't matter. Can I get to data? Maybe day to day operations, like when things are not out of the ordinary. Okay. Okay.

Sara:

What does it want from you then when things are out of the ordinary?

Emily:

Acknowledgement that this is different.

Sara:

Okay.

Emily:

And that I know who to call.

Sara:

So let's ask it about this Paris trip.

Emily:

Who do you call? Uh, Who do you call? I know. Uh, well, I, Look at different, um, groups that I've pairs groups or whatever. And I searched the information and I come up with thoughts on what I can do. And then I will run it by my friend that I'm going with, who would be, I guess, not the authority. Well, actually she would be the authority figure in this case, because it's her disappointment that I'm trying to mitigate. So. I think it can trust me to come up with ideas, but I can't make the final decision. That's interesting.

Sara:

Okay. What do you think of that? Why is that interesting to you?

Emily:

I can do all the work, but I still can't make the decision.

Sara:

So if you were to be the authority on this Paris incident, what would you tell the fear and anxiety?

Emily:

That we'll still have a good trip that what I can make the decision with the information I have at hand, we will still have fun even if we don't get to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower. And then I won't be alone.

Sara:

How does it respond to that?

Emily:

Willing to give me a little bit of grace, um, little bit of mobility, I guess, to, to try this and we'll see. It's kind of like a test case. Okay. Well, we'll test this out.

Sara:

Yeah. It sounds like it's trying to develop some trust. How will it know if it can trust you?

Emily:

I think time and, um, feeling. safe as it allows me to be the authority figure.

Sara:

How does that feel?

Emily:

It feels like a lot of responsibility.

Sara:

It

Emily:

feels like

Sara:

a lot of responsibility?

Emily:

Is that what you said? It does, kind of. Okay. Like I'm just making sure that myself, I'm responsible for myself. Um, it also feels Good. Like, okay, I can do this. I can make a decision. And even if that decision is to lay out the options and come to a decision with other people, that's okay. Like that might be where my capacity is at this point, but it's a, it's a, it's a step.

Sara:

How does that feel? A

Emily:

little bit like the weight's lifting.

Sara:

Okay.

Emily:

Like I have a path forward. Like, okay, I can. It goes back to. I can trust myself to make a decision with the information I have at the time and similar to, I think the other 1 where I can make a different decision later. This is the same thing because if, if in the end we buy makeup tickets or something, or who knows what, and in the end we do continue to check everything and then I have the opportunity to do it, it's just money at that point. But it's a different decision that I can make it a later date, but I can, I can make a decision. I can disappoint people. It was. I don't want to say out, but it was it was out of my control. Like this, this happened. Um, and it wasn't like I didn't attempt because I did, but also how it cannot be on a website 24 7. Like, like, that's not physically possible. So, um, yeah, I did. I can trust that I did the best that I could. And that, um, I will not, like, they may be disappointed in this situation, but it isn't directed at me. Maybe. I think I can get there. Or you can at least be curious about what if it's possible. Yes! I like that. I can be curious about this.

Sara:

And then one last thing to consider. Mm hmm. Is it okay to also be disappointed and sad that this happened? It is when the fear and anxiety hears you say, it's also okay to be sad about this to be disappointed. Does it have any reaction that it wants you to know?

Emily:

Yeah, it's thank you for making room for that. Like, thank you for allowing that to be an option. Like, it doesn't always have to be perfect. That we can, we can allow for this for we can allow for the sadness and the disappointment.

Sara:

How does that feel?

Emily:

The boulder is not in my stomach anymore. Um, and I'm anxious. It's still there, but it's. It's more, uh, it's less acute and it's more like, okay, we're okay. We're, we're, we're just,

Sara:

we're, we're observing right now. And so when that anxiousness is there, if you put your hand over it and you say, I know, I know, this makes sense. This makes sense. Because what all of our feelings want is to just not be left alone. Yeah. Left alone to figure it out, left alone to deal with it.

Emily:

So true.

Sara:

Anything else that this fear and anxiety either wants you to know?

Emily:

I think it's more just, um, things for not dismissing the fear and anxiety. I don't just like actually allowing it to be there and be anxious, but, or that it's valid. It's a valid feeling. That's, yeah. Yes.

Sara:

And maybe is that what the fear and anxiety wants you to tell it whenever it pops up.

Emily:

It is actually like, you're valid. You, you, you are a real feeling. There are reasons for you to be, to be here and we'll figure it out. But you are a valid, you are valid. Beautiful. Oh,

Sara:

that's a good one.

Emily:

That

Sara:

was a good one. Is there anything you want to say as we wrap up for today.

Emily:

No, I, you know, all things happen at the right time and it's like, you're going to get me through this trip.

Sara:

Yes.

Emily:

Yes.

Sara:

Yes, because when you're walking by the Eiffel Tower and you're like, we're not at the top, right? That's valid. That's valid. Yeah. And I don't know if this feels right, but I see a corollary with the Boston run of like, Maybe we'll just have to come back at another time when we can go to the Eiffel Tower like this wasn't our one and only opportunity.

Emily:

That's

Sara:

right. Yeah. I don't know if that feels good or not. It does. It does.