Episode 72 - Sneaky People Pleasing

Did you know that people pleasing can be subtle–even sneaky? People pleasing goes far beyond the stereotypical inability to say “no.” In this episode, I reveal the people pleasing tendencies that catch us off guard–things like excessive politeness, perfectionism, and difficulty setting boundaries. Because it can show up in so many different ways, you need both deep self-connection and a capacity for discomfort to break free from people pleasing. Join me to learn how to recognize all of your people pleasing behaviors and how to increase your threshold for discomfort so you can start living as your authentic self. I can’t wait for you to listen. 

Find Sara here:
https://sarafisk.coach
https://www.instagram.com/sarafiskcoach/
https://www.facebook.com/SaraFiskCoaching/
https://www.youtube.com/@sarafiskcoaching1333
https://www.tiktok.com/@sarafiskcoach
What happens inside the free Stop People Pleasing Facebook Community? Our goal is to provide help and guidance on your journey to eliminate people pleasing and perfectionism from your life. We heal best in a safe community where we can grow and learn together and celebrate and encourage each other. This group is for posting questions about or experiences with material learned in The Ex-Good Girl podcast, Sara Fisk Coaching social media posts or the free webinars and trainings provided by Sara Fisk Coaching. See you inside!
Book a Free Consult

Transcript

0:51

You are listening to the X Good Girl podcast, episode 72. Whenever I hear someone say they are not a people pleaser, my ears perk up just a little bit. Not because I don't necessarily believe them, but because we are just so programmed. to get love by trading our behavior and doing things that other people want us to do, that I think it's interesting that, um, so much of our people pleasing actually becomes really sneaky. It manifests in ways that don't feel like maybe typical people pleasing. I think when everyone thinks of a people pleaser, they think of someone who can't say no, someone who is a Constantly saying yes and agreeing to things that they don't want to do. And that is definitely part of it. But as I have worked in this space for the past five, six years, it's so much more than not being able to say no. And so I started a list of all of the things that people say to me that kind of fall under this sneaky people pleasing category. And I want to share them with you today. Not because this is a checklist of all the things you're doing wrong and need to fix. Our people pleasing is not our fault. It's never about, um, handing a list to someone or giving you a list of like, Hey, these are all the things that are wrong with you. It is an opportunity to look at some different, And Options or opportunities where you might improve the experience you are having. People pleasing feels terrible. Not people pleasing can also feel terrible. But the purpose of this episode is just to talk about some of these areas that might not be obvious, that might be causing us to feel stuck, to feel guilty, to feel underappreciated, to feel disconnected from ourselves, and I just want to point them out in case it is something that strikes you as, Oh, you know what? I didn't see that. And actually that does create some consternation and pain in my life. And I would prefer to have a different experience. That's the point of this episode. It's important to start with a good definition because as I said, people pleasing isn't just not being able to say no, I define people pleasing as having the internal experience of feeling limited, not having choices about what I do or what I say, because of what other people will think or say, it's kind of a long definition but if you think about it, it's You can't tell from the outside what people, what someone who is people pleasing and someone who isn't. Let's, let me, let me give you an example. Let's imagine that you have a friend who is always willing to rearrange their schedule to accommodate other people. So from the outside, you might see her moving things around, you know, changing the times that she's going to be doing things so that there's room and, um, accommodation for other people and their activities. We don't know what her internal experience is like. Does she feel guilty? Does she feel resentment? Does she feel dread? That would indicate that there might be something there to look at. Because she might be having the internal experience of, uh, Connection and expansiveness and like genuinely being able to rearrange her schedule in a way that doesn't cause negative feelings internally or that feeling of not having a choice. People pleasing is essentially self abandonment. If we want to get down to like the easiest, most, uh, hard hitting, cut straight to the point definition, people pleasing is self abandonment. And we self abandon because we feel limited. We feel like we don't have a choice to choose ourselves, so we choose the other people or the other person. That's the definition that I want you to kind of hang on to as I go through some of these examples. Because. It might not be self abandonment for you, it might not, if you find yourself doing any one of these things, I don't know if it's from that shame, guilt, dread, you know, resentment, people pleasing experience, or not. Only you know, and the only way you know, is by slowing down, pausing, connecting, and checking with yourself. That's the only way you're going to know. And I think that's beautiful because it totally relieves me or anyone else of having to judge or criticize what you do because we don't know why you're doing it. And also it's also points out where the healing is. The healing is in self connection and expanding your capacity for discomfort so you don't self abandon. So I'm going to go through a bunch of different behaviors. Some of them might sound similar, they're, you know, the shadows of and takes on others, but just listen up. And if you identify with some of these behaviors, the only questions you need to ask yourself are why am I doing this? What's the feeling that I get when I do this? And do I like my reasons? That is it. Because that internal experience. It's yours alone to identify and to judge. So I have people tell me I'm not a people pleaser. I'm just a hard worker. I'm just extremely reliable and very conscientious with my work and my responsibilities. And I just want to make sure everything is done right. They say. I'm not a people pleaser. I am actually just really easy going. I don't have big opinions about where we eat or what movie we see or what we do on vacation. I really like to just go with the flow. I'm not a people pleaser. I'm just strong. I can handle whatever the people in my life need me to do. Uh, I don't need a lot of help. I'm pretty independent. I'm pretty able to just get a bunch of things done without a lot of outside assistance. In fact, I, I rarely ask for help. And I can do it with a smile. I'm not a people pleaser. I'm actually just very adaptable. I don't mind moving my schedule around to accommodate other people. There are changes in plans and needs. It's really okay with me. I don't mind. I'm not a people pleaser. I just know what it takes to make a good impression on people. And if that means changing my clothes or the way I speak or what I offer or how I present myself, So that it matches what they want from me. I think that's actually just putting my best foot forward. It's, um, it's just making a good impression. I think people should try it more. I'm not a people pleaser. I just really know how to do this job. Right. Every time I've delegated it, somebody drops the ball. They don't do it. I end up having to redo it. So it's better if I just do it myself. And if it takes me a little extra, if I have to stay a little later, that's fine. What's most important to me is that it's done right. I'm not a people pleaser. I really just prefer to be cheering other people on rather than out there advocating for myself. You know, it's just, it's uncomfortable to put my goals and dreams out there. I really think it's important to just be on other people's teams, help their dreams and goals come to fruition. And you know, I don't mind. I'm not a people pleaser. I just know that telling the whole truth causes conflict and that it's better if things are peaceful and calm. Even if that means that I have to hold back a little bit. I'm not a people pleaser. I just think it's off putting to talk about everything that I've achieved or accomplished. It's better to be humble and unpretentious. It's better to maybe downplay what I've done so that it doesn't make other people feel bad or kind of put me in the spotlight. That's just not the kind of person I want to be. I'm not a people pleaser. I just know that it's important to say the right words at the right time to ensure that I get the best reaction from the other people involved in the conversation. So I'm careful about what I say and when, but that's just smart. That's not people pleasing. I'm not a people pleaser. I just don't like it when someone around me gets mad or sad or frustrated and I like to jump in to help. I'm just helpful. I'm not a people pleaser. I really just love the feeling of my head hitting the pillow at night, and I can think through all of the things I have done that day. I don't mind taking on extra tasks because that really means I'm contributing. It means that I'm needed. And that means I'm appreciated. I'm not a people pleaser. I just know that when someone shares An opinion or a joke that is racist or homophobic or damages or disrespects other people that it's, it's better to not confront them. It's better to say nothing because there's no need to make the situation worse. I'm not a people pleaser. I just find boundaries hard. Sometimes I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable by telling them what I am not willing to do. Um, it just, it's better to just kind of be open. to what other people need and kind of see how it works out. If I say I'm not a people pleaser before every single one of these, we're going to be here a while. So some other behaviors, we're just going to go through them. Excessive politeness, being overly courteous or agreeable to try and avoid conflict or disapproval. Perfectionism striving for flawless performance like it has to be flawless in order for me to be approved of and feel safe suppressing emotions hiding your true feelings to appear composed and agreeable. Already touched on difficulty delegating, doing everything myself to make sure it's done right, to avoid criticism. A reluctance to express preferences or opinions. This is a big one. If it's, if it's unthinkable to you to imagine that your opinion might decide what an entire group of people get to do, I think that's interesting to take a look at. Feeling guilty for having boundaries, for having limits. For saying there are things that I either don't want to do or can't do. Constantly worrying about trying to say things in the most diplomatic way. It's kind of like always waiting for the right time or the right words to try and massage that outcome so that it's well received or that you don't get in trouble. Apologizing excessively even when it's not necessary. The only time we should apologize is when we cause harm. Right? If you and I come to the door at the same time and I attempt to walk through first and then I see you, I don't need to apologize for that. Some of us apologize so reflexively, we don't even think about it anymore. I think that's a big one to take a look at. Neglecting self care to take care of other people. I am not talking about things like manicures and pedicures. Those certainly those, you know, feel good and have their place. I'm talking about having spent the time to know what really takes care of you and making time for that. If you don't ever have time to take care of yourself, there might be something to look at there. Another thing, if you have a long wish list of things that you want to do, hobbies, new things you want to learn, and you don't ever have room in your schedule to, to do that, you have a lot of wishes, but very few actual real life hobbies, ways that you spend time just for pleasure and enjoyment, that might be something to take a look at. Hesitating to ask for help or support. This was a big one for me personally. Uh, asking for help was weak, asking for help meant you couldn't handle it on your own, asking for help meant, uh, you were somehow deficient, and so this is, this kind of goes right along with the strong woman, this, this sneaks in a lot, you know, you're so strong that you're, you're not vulnerable, you're so strong that you somehow are vulnerable. Um, superior to other people. You have superhuman ability that other people don't. And I actually was really proud of how little I needed help from other people. Um, totally people losing. Not being able to tell the truth about why you are making a decision, about why you are acting in a certain way. Just holding back part of the truth because you know that the other person won't like it. Smiling or laughing to cover up discomfort or disagreement. Delaying, modifying, or ending relationships that aren't working for you. This is a really tender one, but I think that if you take just a second and think through who you spend your time with, maybe there is someone whose company you don't really enjoy. They're a bit of a drain. You don't leave feeling like refreshed and like your cup has been filled. And sometimes there's people pleasing behind. Not taking action to, to modify, to limit, to remodel that relationship or. To even end it. And the same thing goes for spending your time at events that you don't really like. You know, doing things that you really drain and don't feel you. Sometimes there's people pleasing when you are agreeing really quickly or readily with someone whose opinion you either don't take the time to think through. Um, because maybe you know that there's some things you don't agree with, but the fact that you just kind of agree really quickly and you don't really think it through. Do I really agree with this person? Do I agree with everything that they say or do? Sometimes there's some people pleasing there. Uh, I touched on this a little bit because this was one for, for me and I see it in others. There were times when I was getting dressed. And I would be thinking, what would make them think that I am stylish? What would make them think that I am pretty? What would make them think? And the reason that I'm putting this on the sneaky people pleasing list is that it doesn't always come up as I want them to think well of me. It's just, I just want to look stylish. I just want to look pretty. And so I think, For me, there was definitely some people pleasing there, changing how I looked or dressed to match what I thought other people's preferences would be. Something to look at. There's so many ways today that women can modify our bodies, modify our appearance, and I just think it's worth taking a look. While this is certainly not the definitive list, I'm adding to it all the time, what I hoped was that it would give you some different points of data to look at. Again, not because this is your fault. Your people pleasing is not your fault. It's how you were taught to give and get love for some of us when we lived with Parents or caregivers who were volatile and could not Regulate their own emotions. It's how we learn to calm them down. It's how we learn to be safe. So again, Your people, you come by it honestly, it is not your fault. It is an opportunity for you to look at why you are doing and saying or not doing and not saying some things to ask the question, am I self abandoning here? Sometimes I like my reasons for self abandoning, right? It's just too hard. I just don't want to, you know, put up with it's whatever the reaction is going to be, but I know that I'm doing it and I like my reason for doing it. That's the difference. And, by the way, I'm still totally stuck in people pleasing in other areas that I don't even see yet and haven't even confronted. So I'm doing this work right alongside you. But again, my goal is that with this list of behaviors, it can give us some data points to ask the question, where might I have the opportunity to create a different experience for myself? Where I don't self abandon, where I do willingly step into the discomfort of not people pleasing because it offers me more choices. Because more choices for you to live the life that you want, the way you want to live it, and to find self connection and love and belonging with yourself and with others who don't expect you to please them, ugh, that is my dream for everyone. I'll see you next week.