Episode 74 - The Female Double Bind and How to Get OUT

With everything happening in our world right now, especially politically here in the United States, we need to talk about the female double blind–the impossible double standards to which women are held that create no-win situations for us. So many examples of this show up in our everyday lives and are perpetuated by the media, and it needs to stop. 

In this episode, I delve into these double standards and the language that reinforces them, all aimed at keeping women from attaining leadership and power. As strong women, it’s time to dissect, understand, and reject the female double bind, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum. It’s time to see these double standards, call them out, and hold those perpetuating them accountable. The female double bind is always a trap, but together, we have the power to reject and rise above it.  I can’t wait for you to listen. 

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Transcript

0:51

You are listening to the ex good girl podcast episode 74. Have I got a conversation to have with you today? Um, this idea has been kind of bumping around in my head as ideas tend to do. And when it became clear that Kamala Harris was going to be the democratic nominee, This subject just came roaring to the forefront and it is the female double bind. The female double bind is essentially an impossible set of standards that are usually mutually exclusive, that women are given as part of what is expected of them. And it creates a no win situation. Let me give you an example. One of the most famous is the Madonna and the whore, right? On one hand, women are supposed to be virginal, pure, holy. And on the other hand, they're supposed to be sexy and passionate and available for all different kinds of, of sex. Um, And that is one example of this female double bind. And what I have been doing over the last week is just collecting as many examples of this double bind as I can, because I think it's important to talk about as we see this election unfold. And just a side note about the election, I believe that everyone has the right and privilege to vote. For whom they're going to vote. But here's what I want to put in the minds of all of the women who listen to this podcast, no matter who you are voting for. I want you to see this female double bind. I want you to see it play out as it creates an impossible standard, not only for Kamala Harris, but for women everywhere. It has the intended effect of making women seem disqualified for leadership. Um, like, they are not, uh, good enough to have positions of power and you're going to see it. Everywhere. You've already seen it come out in that has been faulted for not having any biological children. So the fact that she is the stepmother of two children somehow doesn't count. And Donald Trump has five children by three different women and they said multiple affairs. And somehow he is exempt from that. argument of, of, of purity and of, of motherhood, right? Of parent, of, of pure parenthood. So that's one right there, but here's what I want to do. I'm just going to go through this list with you because I'm sure that the origins, maybe I could have researched that. I really don't care where it came from. It came from the patriarchy and it came from men, not wanting women to be in positions of power and seen as legitimate. And so all of these double standards. Have existed forever. You see in the Christian Bible, men being allowed to do things that women would never be allowed to do right part of, uh, that's part of where this comes from as well. You see women being faulted Eve for making decisions that, uh, men then get to blame them for. And. I'm just going to go through this list because what I think is so important is that as women, we see and we call it out. That's the spoiler alert. When this happens, we have to practice feeling the discomfort of naming it. We have to feel the anxiety, we have to feel the worry, the fear of just saying, you know, I think what you're asking of me, or what you're requiring of me is an impossible standard. Are you telling me that I need to be virginal and pure and holy and also sexually available and passionate and. Appealing to men. We have to call it out and we have to hold those who perpetuated men and women to account. So let's jump in. On the one hand, women are supposed to age naturally, and that means that you are not vain or superficial. But also aging naturally is seen as letting yourself go. And so maybe you should get those fake boobs or that facelift and nothing against fake boobs or faceless if that's what you choose. But again, it's the double standard. It's that aging naturally can be seen as letting yourself go. But then if you choose cosmetic enhancements, then your vein are superficial. If you're assertive in a relationship, you are seen as controlling or demanding. But if you're passive in a relationship, then you're seen as a pushover or lacking respect. And always remember that there is not a place in between these, two ends of the spectrum that is right, right? One person will call you too assertive. For doing the same thing that another person will say you are being a pushover for doing, and so there's never a way this is part of the, the madness of people pleasing, because we keep trying to please people by finding a place on this continuum. I want to be. Assertive, but not controlling. I want to stand up for what I want to say, but I don't want to offend people. We keep trying to find a place where people will be pleased with us. And it is impossible because every single person you ask about this is going to have a different opinion, a different experience, and a different condemnation for when they think women are doing it, quote unquote, wrong. So. Always remember it's a trap. There is no way this is a no win situation for women. So if you ask for help, then you're seen as needy or incapable. But if you don't ask for help, then you're arrogant or you're better than, or you're not a team player. If you excel or you want to excel at domestic tasks that maybe seem to fit your traditional gender roles, then That is one part of the spectrum and on the other part of the spectrum, if you don't excel at domestic tasks, then you're seen as lacking basic skills or neglecting your duty. So, again, am I supposed to be good at cooking and I'm getting condemned for fitting traditional gender roles or if I don't know how to cook, then I'm seen as basic. Lacking basic skills, neglecting my duties as a quote unquote woman in the home. If you exercise a lot, you're seen as obsessive or self absorbed. But if you don't exercise enough, then you're not taking care of yourself. If you're very independent, then you don't need anybody. But if you're less independent, then you're needy. If you choose not to have children, then you are seen as selfish or unnatural. If you have children, then you're not, you're seen as not prioritizing career or yourself. If you address conflicts directly and clearly, then you're seen as confrontational or bossy or bitchy. If you avoid conflicts, then you're passive aggressive, or you're not a leader. If you choose a career path, In a STEM field or something that is a more traditionally male dominated field, then that's unfeminine. But if you pursue education in traditionally female dominated fields, then you're reinforcing stereotypes and you're not using your full potential. You can be seen as too masculine or too feminine. If you're expressing your personal opinions strongly, then you're overbearing. But if you don't express your personal opinions well enough to please people, then you're lacking conviction. If you're very careful with money, then maybe you are stingy or miserly or you're a tightwad. But if you are less careful with money or you spend, then you are seen as irresponsible or frivolous. And here's the madness. This gets into even like the details of our lives because women who don't wear makeup at work are seen as less professional. And those who wear too much makeup aren't taken seriously. So which is it? How much makeup am I supposed to wear? Leaders have to be assertive, but assertive women are aggressive. You have to be likable, but also demand respect. You have to be nurturing, but not soft. You must be confident, but not arrogant. You have to be a leader, but also be friends with everyone. If you are in, in terms of athletics, be competitive, but don't get too mad everybody. If you have not seen the videos of John McEnroe and other male tennis players, absolutely losing it, bonkers, smashing rackets. Being called, you know, he's just very intense. He's just very competitive. And then Serena Williams does the exact same fucking thing. There's a very different narrative about when she does that. And so this competitiveness, like be competitive in it to win it, but also don't be unfeminine. Don't be mean. Don't be loud. Also in politics, Same thing, right? If somebody is assertive and a leader and intelligent, then she gets called overbearing. Then she gets called, all the things that female, female politicians get called. Do you remember Jacinda Ardern, she was the, Prime Minister of New Zealand. And she got all those questions about how are you possibly going to manage having a child and being in politics and men don't get asked that. Back to athletics. If you are a female athlete, then there is a focus on And this is for female politicians to what you wear, how your hair is done, how your makeup is done. And you're supposed to play your sport and be pretty, but not too masculine and not too competitive. See, there's just, there's nowhere where everybody is happy with you. Be confident and stand up for yourself, but don't be such a bitch. Look attractive, but don't be so vain. Don't be fat, but also don't be too thin, right? Work out and be strong, but don't be muscular. You don't have to do everything, but also don't let anything fall through the cracks. Be sexy, but don't be a slut. Say what you mean. Don't be wishy washy, but don't be disagreeable. And don't be shrill. Do you remember how often Hillary Clinton was saddled with being shrill when she was just saying what she meant directly? You have no ambition if you stay home with kids, but if you work and have ambition and a career, then you don't care about your kids. Uh, speaking of kids, do all the domestic duties and make sure the kids are taken care of. But then you also need to have a ton of energy and look pretty and have interest in sex and take time for yourself. There's no way to do it right. Be a hundred percent who you are. Don't hide yourself, but also don't be so much ask for help when you need it, but don't be so needy. Don't obsess about what you eat. Make it look easy, but also look like Victoria's Secret models. Oh my gosh, I am watching the Dallas Cowboys documentary on Netflix. And wow, I just, if any of you watch that, you have to DM me because I need someone to talk with this. Talk about with this because I'm watching it with my, uh, very patient husband. And. The way that the focus is on their bodies, their face, their makeup, it is unreal that they're supposed to be so athletic, but make it look so easy. They're supposed to be strong and, um, also be very appealing. They're supposed to put all of their personal lives aside and just be happy for the crowd. And. I kept pausing it and my very patient husband, who knows I'm not yelling at him, had to hear me yell, like, show me where this happens to a man, show me where a position, a job, which by the way, they don't earn anything, it's crazy, is dependent on the roundness of their face. the diameter or the dimensions of the distance between their belly button to the top of their shorts. It's just, it is crazy. And so we're supposed to look like. Everything we do is easy and it's no problem, but yet put all of this energy and effort into how we look, you know, don't think about sex that virginal and, and just to know, I'm saying these in a lot of different ways, because I want you to hear how they kind of morph and twist into a lot of different, Ways that we hear them so that you can learn to hear the bullshit. So don't think about sex, but be ready for sex, uh, in, you know, two seconds flat and be able to perform all of these sexual positions, but also be pure, be assertive, but not too much because you might hurt someone else's feelings. So don't ever hurt someone else's feelings. Answer any question that you get asked about how you manage motherhood and work. But don't get mad that men aren't asked these questions. And if you get mad, then we're going to say that you're mean and off putting. There are so many examples. I've mentioned a couple, Jacinda Ardern, Hillary Clinton, Serena Williams. Um, and I just want to mention a few more because I have a fantastic group of feminist coach friends and other friends who have kind of helped me compile examples of this shout out to them. I've also just paid attention to media stories over the course of the years. And do you remember Sheryl Sandberg? You know, she faced a lot of criticism. She was the CEO of Facebook. She's, she was really criticized for being too ambitious. And who assertive in a male dominated tech industry. And then she wrote this book lean in, which a lot of people thought it was great for praising women to take charge, but then they criticized her for being out of touch with the realities of the double bind. Right. That women can't. Take charge. Women can't rise to the top in the same way because of all of these expectations. Megan Markle has been criticized both for embracing her royal duties too much. And she was called attention seeking and for stepping back from them. And they said that she was abandoning her responsibilities, which is it? You know, this constant scrutiny over her appearance, her actions, her statements. There is what I really hope you see in this. Is there's no way to win. And so we're not going to play this game anymore. Beyonce praised for her empowerment anthems and her business acumen, but also criticized for being too controlling or not, you know, vocal enough about social issues and other things. Greta Turnberg. She is, um, a very young fireball of a climate activist, and she has been dismissed as being too emotional and too irrational by some critics, while other people say she is too stern and she's too serious for her age. And she's talking about the way we are literally killing our planet. Adele. She lost some weight. And had a lot of backlash from fans and from other people. Uh, some people said she looked great and others accused her of giving in to social pressures. And nobody cared about her personal reasons for the change, right? They just wanted to tag her and nail her to the cross of some social expectations that were just impossible to meet. Meryl Streep has had an incredible acting career. And she's faced a lot of criticism for getting older. She's either too old for leading roles or when she tries to maintain her appearance so that she can continue to get those roles. Then she's criticized for trying to maintain a younger, more youthful appearance. So the two ways that we get out of the double bind, number one, we call it out, what we say when we see it happening is. What looks like what looks like is happening to me here is you are putting me in an impossible situation or you are putting this politician, this actress, this, you know, social, what I don't even care who it is. Let's just take Kamala Harris when she's criticized for not having children, we call it out. What it looks like you're saying is that Kamala should have had biological children. How many should she have had? When should she have had them? When, when would it have been okay with you that she do that? And so why does her being a step mom count and why is it that Donald Trump? Five children, three different wives, multiple affairs, multiple, um, he has been convicted of sexual assault. Why does that not disqualify him? And what you're telling me is that Kamala shouldn't be president because she doesn't have her own biological children? Hmm. Interesting. Explain that to me and you make them explain it to you. Make them explain it to you. Second way is to just ask the question, would this ever happen to a man? Would this ever happen in a group of men when a man was getting a job, when a man was in an athletic competition, when a man was losing weight, a woman can get Botox and she is vain. A man, a man gets Botox and nobody says, A damn thing. So number one, we make them explain it to us, call it out. Call it out, make them explain it to us. Number two. And number three, we just ask, give me an example of where this would happen to a man, because it is high time that this practice of putting us in and other women like us. In these double binds that are meant to disqualify them that are meant to make them look unfit for whatever job it is that they want to do for whatever position it is that they want to hold has got to stop. You can hear I am fired up about this and you're right, because it is high time that this nonsense stop. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being a part of this community. I hope you know that I think about you. I think about the conversation I want to be having with you. I love it when you send me DMs, when something in a podcast episode resonates with you. And holy cow, please, if you watch the Dallas Cowboys America's Sweetheart thing, documentary thingy on Netflix. DM me. We all talk about have a great week. See you next time.