Episode 81 - Stop Apologizing

What have you been apologizing for lately?

I’ve realized I’ve been apologizing for everything, and in most cases, none of my actions have warranted an apology.

Tune in this week to slow down and take a moment to examine the things you apologize for. Do they all actually warrant an apology, or has your “good-girl” programming been taking over? Join me as I share my two hard and fast rules for when to apologize and learn how to get yourself out of auto-pilot to a place where you can honor your needs unapologetically. I can’t wait for you to listen.

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Transcript

0:51

You are listening to the ex good girl podcast episode 81. Okay. So I have a really quick podcast episode for you today because it's just a collection of some thoughts that have been gaining speed in my head for a while. As I have looked at the habit I have of. Apologizing. Um, I've been doing some reels about it if you've seen those. I, I've apologized lately for everything from not getting out of the way fast enough at a grocery store when a man was coming toward me with his cart. He was in a hurry and I was in the aisle and didn't move, uh, fast enough. And so I apologized to him. Um, I also apologized to my teenage son because something that he was looking for was on a different shelf of the refrigerator than where he was looking. And I apologize. So please know that this work is very, very Um, autobiographical for me, I am recording a video later today for people who joined my group coaching program called Stop People Pleasing. It starts in a week or two here. And one of the, I only have two hard and fast rules for the group. And one is no apologizing unless. You are acknowledging arm or responsibility. It's a hard one. I have women apologize inside of the group all the time for wanting to express an opinion for taking up more time than they think they deserve to get coached or explain their situation for. Uh, taking up space, there's lots of apologies and inside the group, we just kind of, uh, laugh and I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on, hang on, start over, no apology. And it's really good nature. And that's what I wanted to offer you today in this Really short podcast episode is you can stop apologizing unless you are acknowledging harm or taking responsibility. Now, I'm not going to define it any further than that, because there's a part of this that you're just going to have to sit with. But if we zoom out, what we know is that women are programmed to apologize any time they Accidentally, maybe do something that someone else would disagree with or have an issue with. And so this apologizing just kind of goes on autopilot and we apologize for everything from not getting out of the way, you know, fast enough in a grocery store to other things. Which might very well merit an apology, like hurting someone's feelings or saying something that causes harm or not doing something for which we want to take responsibility. And so I want to acknowledge that there is a very personal aspect of this, and I'm not going to define it any more than acknowledging harm or taking responsibility because. You're going to have to sit with the things that you apologize for, and just ask yourself the question, does this meet my definition of acknowledging harm or taking responsibility? And so, when I am in the grocery store aisle, and I don't get out of the way fast enough, when someone is coming toward me with their cart at a rapid speed, that does not meet my definition. Of acknowledging harm, we're taking responsibility. We're all humans in this grocery store. We are all doing the best we can. And I am doing the best I can to provide space and room for everybody, everybody to get the things that they need. And that doesn't meet my definition, but just connect to yourself for just a second. Slow down and think about some of the things you typically apologize for and ask yourself, am I acknowledging harm or taking responsibility in a way that really meets my values? Or am I responding to the programming that humans who are socialized as women get to apologize for taking up space, for having an opinion, for having a pace that does not match? The rest of the pace of the world for needing time to decide for needing a moment to gather my thoughts before I speak for having an experience that does not match the experience that everybody else is having. Expected to have and present. We apologize for so many of those things. And so I want to do two things in this short episode. Number one, I want to put your apologizing at the forefront of your mind. And I want you to just look at what you apologize for and ask you if it matches your values. And number two, I want to give you some options instead, right? We can't do something different. Until we recognize how automatically we apologize and that we apologize for things like needing time off from a job or needing to take care of ourselves, right? You haven't done anything wrong. That's just honoring your needs. So we have to identify the things that we automatically apologize for and see if they match our values. Next, it's easy to reframe some common situations in which we might apologize, and I want to give you some alternative phrases to use instead of apologizing, because I know that in some of those situations, we do want to have something to say, and here is something that you can do instead. For example, instead of saying, I'm sorry for being late. We could say, thank you for your patience. Instead of saying, sorry for asking, maybe we could say, thank you for your help. Instead of saying, Oh, sorry, I was in your way. Just sit with that urge to apologize. Just sit with the discomfort that comes up when the guy's coming toward you with the shopping cart kind of fast and you don't get out of his way in the time frame that he would like and just sit with that discomfort. I just said, Oh, sorry. And I wonder what would have happened if I would have just said, Oh, I'm not even from the Midwest. Where did that come in? Right? But in order to have some of these phrases in your back pocket, you have to know what they are. And then you have to be able to practice them. So instead of apologizing, what would it be like instead? To say thank you for your flexibility. Thanks for giving me some space. Thanks for letting me take up some time. Thanks for being patient while I work this out. Thank you for extending me some graciousness and grace. Thank you instead of apologizing. Next, you do have to sit sometimes with the discomfort of not apologizing. So here's a good question to ask yourself. Am I apologizing because I genuinely did something wrong or something that doesn't match my values? Or because I feel uncomfortable. If it's the latter, likely an apology is not needed. But what you need to do instead is expand your capacity to feel uncomfortable. Let me give you an example. Sometimes we're in conversations with people and it feels a little awkward. And I say something, or maybe this is just me, I don't think so, but I say something that I'm later like, oh, whoa, that maybe I didn't want to say that, but it's already said, and now it just feels awkward. It is a real urge that I have, and that I've observed in the women that I work with to say, Oh, I'm sorry for saying that, rather than to just sit with the discomfort that comes up when something is awkward, because that's just part of the human experience. What would it take? How would you need to take care of yourself to sit in the awkwardness, And to not apologize, because it's just a human experience. You haven't done anything wrong. I would need to wrap my hand around my wrist and to just gently squeeze while I affirm to myself. Yeah, I feel that awkwardness. I feel it and it's okay. I'm right here with you. I'm listening. I feel that. Yeah. And I would need some nice deep breaths. I And I would need to affirm to myself, like, this is so human. It's just, this is just part of what it's like, and I'm right here with you. So I have that contact with my wrist. If I'm by myself, I can put my hands on my chest. I don't love to do that in front of other people. But I would just need to be with myself. And, Acknowledge the human feeling that I'm having and sit with the discomfort instead of feeling like I need to apologize to make it right. I need to apologize to accept to the blame of whatever's going on. Something else I'd like you to think about is you have the right to exist without the Making an apology for it. You have the right to be without constantly feeling like you are in someone's way, taking up too much time, taking space, not doing it right, not doing it fast enough, not doing it the way other people want you to do. You have the right. As a human to just exist at your pace with your needs, with your wants, with your desires. We all do. You don't need to apologize for saying no for voicing your thoughts or for taking care of your own needs for having an opinion for wanting to acknowledge something that you're proud of in yourself. It is really tender, difficult work for a lot of women to just exist, especially if you have some neuro spiciness like ADHD or ADHD, we are programmed to apologize for not meeting the neurotypical norms. That have been set out by a western capitalist patriarchal society about how everybody should behave and everybody should pull themselves up by their bootstraps. And we all succeed by working hard and overproducing and overdoing. Oh, I am detoxing from those ideas. It's so easy for me to still overwork and overgive and try and overproduce to prove my value and. You and I, we have the right to exist as we are. I have the right for my brain to function as it functions. And I know sometimes it is confusing for other people, and it is infuriating and frustrating. Um, and when I cause harm, I want to acknowledge that. But when I am just trying to work it out, I want to say, Hey, thanks for giving me a minute to figure this out. Thanks for being patient as I think through the details of this. One of the things that, um, I'm really working on is I have a tendency in my brain to plan things and then not tell my family, especially my husband. I will think that I have told him and I didn't actually tell him and it can be a source rightly. So, I think of, of some frustration for him, for my kids, and I have done a lot of apologizing for that. Um, when it causes harm and when I want to take responsibility, I think I probably still will. But as I have switched to saying, oh, you know what? Thank you for letting me have the conversation with you now. Thanks for being patient with my brain as we kind of work this out. I feel better. And I feel like what it is teaching them is that brains work differently and that the way their brain works is not the norm. It's not the expectation. Well, I mean, it kind of is, but it doesn't have to be the norm and it doesn't have to be the expectation because I exist and my brain works differently. And so. I am affirming your right to be yourself at the same time that I am still trying to live into my right to be myself at the same time that I acknowledge that I am in relationships with other people, that I want to be responsive. To their needs. And I want to reciprocate and I'm not always great at doing that. And so when I hurt feelings and when I show up in a way that does not match my values, I definitely want to apologize that for that. And if I make a mistake or if I forget something, I just want to say, thank you. Thanks for giving me some space to be human. Lastly, it is so important that each of us are working on the voice. In our head, that is bullying and critical and judgmental and we don't work on that voice. Why, while we are letting that voice beat us up, we work on that voice. When I take the lens of parts work. That I use so often with clients, that voice is trying to keep you safe by beating you into doing the quote unquote right thing so you don't get in trouble. So having some compassion for that voice as a part of you that is so worried about safety and connection that it's willing to do whatever it needs to do to beat you up so that you act right so that you can get the safety and belonging. That you need, can we have some compassion for that? And can we have some compassion for the programming that all of us have gotten that we should apologize when we're not perfect, that we should apologize when we make mistakes. So try this instead. If you catch yourself apologizing for making mistakes, try this. Self compassionately put your hand on your chest, wrap your hand around your wrist and say, I made a mistake. It's okay. I'm learning and to that voice that sometimes still flares up and wants to bully or criticize or judge us into quote unquote good behavior. Say to that voice, I'm right here with you. I'm listening. Thank you for trying to keep us safe, but we're not doing it that way anymore. I made a mistake and it's okay. I'm learning only by pausing and evaluating the reasons why we apologize. Can we really begin to break free from unnecessary apologizing? And I think that makes the times when we actually apologize mean more because if I'm apologizing for not getting out of somebody's way, the same way that I'm apologizing for saying something hurtful or that causes harm. Those are two very different things. And I want my apologies when I acknowledge harm or take responsibility to really matter. And the other thing that happens when we really evaluate why we're apologizing is I have felt stronger. I have felt better able to communicate. And I have drawn a lot more on. Gratitude. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for giving me some time and space. Thank you for sticking with me as I work this out. And that has really strengthened my relationships and helped me to communicate in what I believe is a healthier, more productive way that actually contributes to the type of relationships that I want to have. I hope this is helpful for you. If there's anything here that you're like, Whoa, that is really going to make a difference for me. Send me a DM. I would love to hear it. I would love to hear what your takeaways are big and small and how you maybe take something from this episode into your life, because that is how we make changes by taking something small, like the way we apologize and just putting it front and center. So we can really evaluate. Do I like the way I'm doing this? And is there another way where I would feel more empowered? Have a great week. I'll talk to you next week.