Episode 95 - How To Set Goals That Actually Work with Goli Kalkhoran

When it comes to goals and to-do lists, the unrealistic expectations we often have lead to feelings of inadequacy and overwhelm. Whether you want to set a goal for the new year or achieve a task this weekend, today’s guest, Goli Kalkhoran, shares why we often overreach and how to set practical and fulfilling goals that lead to success instead of shame. Here’s what we cover:

• How it's possible to change your mindset so you feel good about yourself no matter what you achieve in a day
• An exercise to illuminate the unreasonable nature of the level of productivity we often expect from ourselves
• Why the perceptions of other people heavily factor into the unrealistic goals of people-pleasers
• The idea of “time optimism” and how we use it to punish ourselves by ignoring the context of what is actually going on in our lives 
• Why focusing on only one goal for the year is an effective strategy 
• How to choose just one goal by using an exercise to examine areas of insufficiency in your life and asking yourself “What's the rush?”

I can’t wait for you to listen.

Goli Kalkhoran is Master Certified Life Coach, and former attorney, who helps unfulfilled professionals create a career (and life) they actually like. She is the host of the Lessons from a Quitter podcast where she uses her platform to de-stigmatize quitting and provide resources and inspiration to individuals looking to pivot in their established careers. She challenges people to exceed their own expectations and guides them through the initial steps of starting over in order to build a more intentional, fulfilling life.

Find Goli here:
www.lessonsfromaquitter.com/quitterclub 
www.instagram.com/lessonsfromaquitter 
www.quitterclub.com/class  

Find Sara here:
https://sarafisk.coach
https://pages.sarafisk.coach/difficultconversations
https://www.instagram.com/sarafiskcoach/
https://www.facebook.com/SaraFiskCoaching/
https://www.tiktok.com/@sarafiskcoach
https://www.youtube.com/@sarafiskcoaching1333

What happens inside the free Stop People Pleasing Facebook Community? Our goal is to provide help and guidance on your journey to eliminate people pleasing and perfectionism from your life. We heal best in a safe community where we can grow and learn together and celebrate and encourage each other. This group is for posting questions about or experiences with material learned in The Ex-Good Girl podcast, Sara Fisk Coaching social media posts or the free webinars and trainings provided by Sara Fisk Coaching. See you inside!
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Transcript

You are listening to the Ex-Good Girl Podcast, episode 95.

00:04

Over the next three weeks, I am releasing three really powerful episodes with three friends and fellow coaches about time, planning, and goal setting, which are just, they're so good.

00:20

I can't wait for you to hear them.

00:21

And usually around January, I start to feel almost a sense of dread, like,Oh gosh, it's time to set goals.

00:30

New Year's resolutions.

00:31

I actually love the idea of goal setting.

00:35

I love this season of, you know, winter time reflection.

00:39

I love looking at a new year and planning what I want to be different.

00:44

I want to grow.

00:45

I want to experience better ways of relating to myself and to others.

00:49

And I think you're here listening for those same things.

00:52

So these next three episodes are going to just be so good for you.

00:56

They're going to blow your mind.

00:57

They blew mine.

00:59

And really what it gave me is a set of tools to go into January with where I don't get caught in the same trap of thinking that is so tied to the good girl rules that really makes goal setting and planning and time management end up not working for me.

01:18

So enjoy them.

01:19

I would love to hear if you have you know some thoughts you want to share.

01:24

The DMs that I get about my podcast episodes are some of my favorites to read.

01:27

So let me know what you think.

01:30

All right, Goli.

01:32

I, first of all, love you.

01:34

Second of all, I was recently on your social media and you were talking about goal setting.

01:39

And I was like, this is a conversation I want to have because there's, first of all, your process is so simple.

01:47

And of course, I'm already trying to jump into the content without even, hi, everyone.

01:52

How are you doing?

01:54

I have Goli Kalkhoran with me today.

01:57

And I, first of all, I want you to introduce who you are before we jump into what I think is a really deceptively simple, but that's what makes it so brilliant, take on goal setting that you have.

02:11

So what do you want people to know about you?

02:13

Hi, I'm so excited to be here.

02:15

I love you, and I always love every opportunity I get to talk to you.

02:19

My name is Goli Kalkhoran.

02:20

I have a platform and a podcast called Lessons from a Quitter and so I help people quit.

02:25

The main thing is their careers, like people that are really unhappy in their careers.

02:29

But mostly I help people quit all the stuff that's not working, all the things that we constantly do that we're on this hamster wheel and we're not getting further and we just feel like blah.

02:39

And so I really in my membership help people kind of figure out like why is this not working and what is a better way.

02:44

And I think like the goal setting is 1 microcosm of that of looking at like, hey, we've tried this the other way a million times and it never works.

02:51

So why don't we just try it a different way.

02:52

And so that is sort of how I came up with the concept that we're going to talk about today.

02:56

And so yeah, you can check me out really anywhere at lessons from a quitter.

03:00

So my first question, I want to set up the conversation with what is it that we get wrong about goal setting where it just feels, for example, let me just give you a quick story.

03:15

On Friday, I was like, Yes, it's Friday.

03:18

I have Saturday.

03:18

I have Sunday.

03:19

And I wrote downI think there were seven things that I wanted to get done this weekend.

03:24

I wanted to brush the dog's teeth.

03:27

I wanted to clean out that basket in the laundry room that has just been, it's like mismatched socks and like plastic shelf liner and some other, you know, just random stuff.

03:37

And they all are like, these are good things.

03:39

These are important things.

03:40

These move my agenda forward of a healthy dog and a clean house.

03:46

And last night we were sitting at the dinner table and my husband looked over at my face and he said, What's wrong?

03:50

And I said, It's Sunday night.

03:54

And I got three things done.

03:57

And it felt like a failure.

03:59

And it felt like now Monday is here and I can't do it anymore because I have all these other things.

04:04

So either using that story or a better story that you know, like what are we getting wrong about this?

04:11

Goal setting, whether it's for a weekend or for 2025.

04:14

Yeah.

04:14

I mean, that's such a great example of like on a mini scale that happens to all of us every single week, every single day, your To Do List for the day where you have and you're like, I want to get through this.

04:22

And then by you get to the end of the day and you didn't get through all of it and you're like, oh, and then you feel bad.

04:27

And then it becomes this whole narrative of I'm behind and we always feel like we're behind and we never get to where we want to go.

04:32

And so I think it's a pattern that everyone is intimately familiar with and there's-

04:37

The thing is, there's a lot of things wrong with it, but I'm just gonna give you a couple of things that I think we keep getting caught in is first, to start out, most of us have an unrealistic expectation of all the things we can get done or even want to get done or should get done.

04:52

That is, you know, I'm sure I know that you talk a lot about the patriarchy and, you know, just this hustle culture and the society that we live in.

05:01

We've all been programmed to believe that our productivity is equal to our worth and that we always have to be doing.

05:06

And I think as women, we have just truly been, you know, raised to believe that our whole worth is in how we give value to other people and that is in being a good mom, being a good wife, keeping a clean house, making sure, you know, being a good dog mom, making sure like I want to be this perfect person for everybody.

05:22

And it's an impossible standard that we've set ourselves up for.

05:26

And one of the things that we have to really understand about our brain is that like we have a negativity bias.

05:31

So it will and we've trained it even more so to constantly look for where we're lacking.

05:35

And so one of the reasons we're going to get to like what my rule is about goals, one of the things is.

05:40

Even if you're killing it in certain areas of your life, you are knocking it out of the park.

05:46

You're never going to sit at the end of the day and your brain going to be like, you know what?

05:49

I'm so proud of us.

05:50

Like those three things we did do this weekend, we killed it and we got to rest, right?

05:55

You're laughing because you know that's not it goes to like another list you didn't finish.

05:59

Why didn't you do that?

06:00

You're always like, you're so lazy.

06:02

And now we have to go back to Monday and you ruined it.

06:04

We're already behind, right?

06:04

And it's like, and part of it, what's fascinating is.

06:08

It's such a simple concept, but it's like, you just have to stop giving your brain all that ammo.

06:12

We create these lists thinking they're like harmless lists, but it's just like more things that we give ourselves the fodder to be like, oh, and you didn't do this, and you didn't do this, and you didn't do this.

06:24

So one of the first things that you can do, what's a really eye-opening exercise that I do with my people all the time, is just sit down and write down everything you think you should be doing,In every area of your life.

06:38

So start with work.

06:39

What are all the things you should be doing?

06:41

Then go to your home.

06:42

What are all the things you go to your relationships, go for your mental health, go for your physical health, do your spirituality, whatever it is in your life.

06:49

You're gonna look at that and just, I mean, you're gonna laugh because you're gonna be so overwhelmed and you're gonna realize how ridiculous it is.

06:56

And then you're gonna realize that, like you have, even if you're not conscious of it, these are always playing in the back of your mind.

07:01

So it's like, as soon as, let's say you do the workout, you got your work done.

07:06

Your brain is like, yeah, but we didn't do, you know, we were gonna meditate for our mental health.

07:09

Like we needed to do that and we didn't do our skincare.

07:12

You're laughing 'cause you know you do it.

07:16

Yeah, exactly.

07:17

So the issue isn't that you're not doing those things.

07:20

The issue is that you think you should be doing way more than it is humanly possible for you to do or or conducive to the life you want.

07:26

Like we all want lives that have rest and have like ease and have peace and have joy.

07:31

And yet, as soon as we have a little pocket of time, we're like, what are all the things I can cram in there so I can feel good about myself?

07:37

Because then I can feel like, you know, I was a good mom and I was a good wife and I was a good worker and I was a good whatever.

07:42

And so part of it is really unlearning that, that like, do I really need to do all these things?

07:49

Like were those seven things I really needed to do?

07:52

Like, yeah, in an ideal world when I have all the energy and all the time in the world, sure, maybe somebody, you know, I would do all those.

07:59

But in the real world, I don't.

08:01

So like, are these things important to me or are they just things that I think?

08:04

I should be doing.

08:05

Like maybe that basket of mismatched socks just sits there and I get to actually enjoy my Saturday.

08:09

Who cares?

08:11

You know, but when I put it as a list of like, I have to get that done in order to feel good about myself, or like you know like as an aggregate, I have to get everything done to feel good about myself.

08:19

I'm always gonna be on this hamster wheel of it will never all get done.

08:24

I'm laughing.

08:25

And at the same time, when you said we have to stop giving your brain all that ammo, we create the list thinking it's harmless.

08:37

Yeah.

08:37

And when you said that, I actually felt like a little bit of the harm, the self-harm that I create when I, and it was, I used a blue Sharpie on an index card and I put it in the kitchen.

08:52

I'm like, just these seven things.

08:55

And if you're right, it's not harmless.

08:57

It's not harmless at all.

08:59

Can you tell me a little bit more about that harm that we create?

09:03

Yeah, because we don't realize, like again, it seems like, of course there's things I need to get done, I can't remember, so I'm just making a list or whatnot.

09:11

But the first thing is that a lot of us, because we derive our self-worth from that, right?

09:17

We derive our self-worth from like, did I make meals for my kids this week?

09:22

Was there healthy food in the house?

09:24

Did I exercise?

09:25

All of these things are where I've gotten messages of like, like, if my house is clean, then I get to feel good.

09:31

But if it's messy, then I don't get to feel good about myself.

09:34

And I will say this, like the way that I really started retraining my own brain.

09:38

This all started before I taught anybody this was what I was realizing was every single day at the end of the day, I felt like I didn't do anything.

09:45

I didn't do enough.

09:46

I didn't do every day.

09:48

I felt and I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I was behind and I felt like shit about myself.

09:52

I kept thinking like, why can't I focus more?

09:55

Why can't I be more productive?

09:57

I did this exact exercise.

09:58

I was like, OK, what would I have to get done in a day to feel good about myself?

10:01

And I wrote it down and I'll just laughed because I was like, this would mean I take no lunch, no breaks.

10:06

I don't even go pee.

10:07

The only way I get to feel good is this absurd list of things gets done.

10:11

And then I started changing.

10:12

What if every day I get to feel good about myself regardless of what gets done?

10:16

Like what if at the end of the day I get to just stop and be like, I'm so proud of you for what you did today.

10:21

And it sounds, it may sound cheesy, but it was.

10:23

Truly like me being like, oh, I have the power to feel how I want to feel about myself, regardless of what got done on my to do list.

10:29

That has nothing to do with whether I get to like myself or think that I did good or whatnot.

10:34

And when I started actually looking at like, what did I get done today?

10:36

Like, obviously you ignore all the stuff that you did do and it was like, oh, the other, you know, I just thought I was going to wake up today and be a different person and all of a sudden be the most focused human being that I've never been before in my life.

10:46

And I thought I was going to get through 12 things and I'm never going to do that.

10:50

Then I started kind of meeting myself where I was, where I was like, OK.

10:55

like I think things should take me 20 minutes, but it's actually gonna take me an hour.

10:58

So that is how long it takes me to do that.

11:00

Okay, like I can't do 12 things.

11:02

I can do three things, let's say.

11:04

But I just say this is like the reason there's so much harm is that we have created these rules of I should be able to do this.

11:11

Other people can somehow do this.

11:13

I should also, which also makes me bad for not being able to.

11:17

And like I only get to feel good if I've done this.

11:21

Right.

11:21

Like, that's my ticket to feeling good about myself is like, huh, we checked this off, which is completely arbitrary, right?

11:26

It's a completely neutral thing.

11:27

Whether you took that blue Sharpie and you check those off or not doesn't impact whether you get to love yourself or whether you get to feel happy about your weekend or whatnot.

11:35

And yet we've created this connection that like, that's when I will give myself permission to feel good about myself.

11:41

And so you want to start sort of shifting that where it's like, no, no, this is just a list that I made and it can truly be neutral if I stop giving it the power of like.

11:50

I only get to feel, you know, the way I get to feel, depending on how many boxes get checked on this.

11:56

That is so important.

11:59

I mean, I haven't answered that question.

12:01

Like what would I have to get done in a day to feel good about myself?

12:05

I think just leaving that question unanswered and kind of open-ended is another part of the harm because like you took the time to list everything else and you're like, this is...

12:17

ridiculous.

12:18

This is unachievable in just a normal human 24-hour, where I also have to eat, sleep, pee, and you know just not work myself to death all day.

12:29

That's really interesting to think about doing.

12:32

And then separating that from just getting to feel good, because I'm a human who deserves to feel good about herself, separate and apart from what I do.

12:42

Yes.

12:43

And I will say one more thing, too, is notice yourself.

12:46

I started noticing like, OK, even when I did get things done and let's say I was like, OK, I only need to do these three things today.

12:54

As soon as I would get it done, if like I had more time, I'd be like, well, I should be doing XY and Z now.

12:59

And I was like, oh, like, there's never an end.

13:01

Even if I do do it the way that I think I should, then my brain is like, OK, but now we have extra time.

13:07

So like, you should get ahead.

13:08

You should be, you know?

13:09

And I'm like, oh, so I never get to rest.

13:11

Yeah, unless I'm consciously like, no, we're done.

13:14

Like, this is it.

13:16

And so the reason I say that is that we just have to become aware that like it's not our fault.

13:20

We've been trained to do this.

13:22

You know It's like all of these messages of like work hard, play hard, and give it 110%, and all of the shit that we were like brought up to believe has got us to like really think that we have to be going all the time, we have to be focused, we have to be getting things done, we have to be like a robot, and then when we aren't, we get mad at ourselves, and it's just a recipe for disaster.

13:45

You also said something else that I want to make sure that I highlight because I'm terrible at this.

13:51

And once I started making myself do it, at least pay attention to it, I noticed how off I was.

13:57

And that is the amount of time it takes to do something.

14:02

We are so bad.

14:04

I mean.

14:05

I have ADD, and I know that that's part of it.

14:08

It's this inability.

14:10

It's like this time optimism that I only use to punish myself with.

14:16

Like, it's going to take me 10 minutes to brush the dog's teeth.

14:20

There's not a world in which it only takes 10 minutes, right?

14:25

But I'm so optimistic, and I'm like, yeah, that means I can put these other seven things.

14:30

So part of the way that I also think the list creates harm is in not giving ourselves the benefit of the context of how long things actually take.

14:41

Absolutely.

14:42

And again, because there's like this shame, like it shouldn't have taken that long.

14:45

You know I'm like the queen of that too, where it's like, even when I check the box off, I'm like, oh God, that shouldn't have taken an hour.

14:52

I I can't believe I just wasted a whole hour.

14:54

That should have only taken 10 minutes.

14:56

It's like, okay, but it didn't.

14:57

And this is the way your brain works.

14:59

And I think we also don't take into account the energy that certain things...

15:04

Some one thing might take you an hour, but it might zap your energy.

15:07

Truly, a lot of times, I realize in meetings or podcast interviews, I can't just finish and then jump into the next thing.

15:14

There's just a level of energy.

15:16

It might only be an hour of my time, but it's going to be different than maybe just writing emails or something.

15:22

So I have to take that into account, that after this interview, I have to take a break.

15:26

Right.

15:27

But I think we don't allow ourselves that humanity.

15:30

So it's like we just, again, it's like this very robotic, like, well, I can do this from 9:00 to 10:00 and then do that from 10 to 11.

15:35

And I think the more you just learn, like you just said, like you might have ADHD, you might someone else might whatever.

15:41

It's like, I'm not a morning person.

15:43

I work better.

15:44

The more you learn instead of getting mad at yourself to get curious, like, how does my brain work?

15:50

Maybe writing takes me longer than you know doing a podcast interview.

15:54

The more I start understanding myself, the easier it becomes for me to be realistic about how long things are gonna take me to build it in, to kind of support myself, as opposed to all of us are trying to jam this square peg in a round hole and it's like, I should fit this mold, I should just be able to do what all these, I'm like, okay, but I can't, my brain can't.

16:14

I don't know what you want me to do with that, this is what we got, so we gotta make it work.

16:19

I love that because I think it also kind of points to the second way that I think the list does harm and that the list, separate from the context of what is personally going on for you, is just another blind spot that we have.

16:35

So for example, you and I have had several conversations about like, what the fuck is going with our bodies in this menopause time?

16:42

Like, what is what?

16:46

What the fuck.

16:49

And when I think about the last, you know, 12 months of my life where it felt like there were months at a time where my brain was literally like a rock that I was trying to squeeze water out of, I didn't have any, I want to say compassion.

17:06

It's like I didn't even take that into account.

17:08

I didn't even factor it in.

17:11

These are things that I suppose you know I want to get done, but what is going on with me and my body?

17:17

Is it a season when I'm feeling definitely less energy, like way more symptomatic?

17:22

And gratefully, HRT, everyone, please just ask your doctor about it.

17:27

I don't feel like I am in that place of like really down bad, but I wasn't any easier on myself about my to-do list during that time.

17:37

Honestly, like I've been thinking a lot about this over the last couple years because you know with the rise of like information on you know a couple years ago was ADHD and now it's perimenopause.

17:45

And I remember thinking this because I was like, oh, I now think it's perimenopause, but I thought I had ADHD and I was like, I'm pretty sure because I can't focus at all.

17:53

And there was definitely like certain executive dysfunction that I've had my whole life that started making sense.

17:58

And like one thing that I've always been made super random, but one thing that I've always been made fun of by my friends and stuff is.

18:04

I can't focus if there is outside noise.

18:07

So like in a restaurant, it's very hard for me to have conversations with people.

18:10

So they'd always make fun of me because I was always distracted or like looking at other people's conversations and they're like, Goli, focus, you know?

18:15

And I'm like, I can't.

18:16

I know I want to hear what you're saying to me, but I can't do it.

18:19

You know?

18:20

Anyways, this was like one of the things I was discovering with ADHD.

18:23

And I was so sad for myself because I did immediately feel relief, like, oh, that's why my brain does this.

18:30

Or like, my brain, like, literally, I literally can't control it.

18:33

This is what's happening.

18:34

And the reason I felt sad, I was like, why did I need a diagnosis or a name in order to be like, oh, it's okay.

18:42

You're not just ignoring your friends or you're just not focusing.

18:46

Your brain literally can't do it.

18:48

And one of the things I have been a lot more compassionate with myself with perimenopause before I even knew what it was because of that.

18:54

Because I started realizing like, what if I don't have to know why it's happening?

18:58

I don't have to understand my body, but I can listen to it, I can know.

19:04

This week I feel like and I'm not gonna gaslight myself into being like, no, you feel fine.

19:08

Get up.

19:09

You're good.

19:09

You're OK.

19:10

You know, because women have also been gaslit and like into believing that they never have the symptoms that they have.

19:17

So I really started thinking like, why do I need a medical diagnosis to allow myself to feel what I'm gonna feel or act the way that I'm gonna act.

19:25

And so if I can just be like, I don't know why, I don't know why I'm down right now or I don't know why I can't concentrate or I don't know why my head feels like a rock.

19:32

But it does and I can't concentrate as much.

19:35

So like how do I move around my schedule?

19:37

Or what are things that maybe I focus in shorter spurts.

19:40

And I feel like that's what's helped me the most in navigating these hormonal changes or just just life stuff.

19:47

Like I feel like even if it's not perimenopause, like you have a tragedy and you're going through grief or you're having seasonal depression or you just had a, like I think about now, when you talk about lack of compassion, like after I had a baby, I just think about what I went through in postpartum and how I treated myself.

20:02

ITruly wish I could go back and just like hug that girl because it was the harshest I've ever been through, one of the hardest times of my life.

20:09

And I just think we, you know, it's like we're just standing behind ourselves with this whip, just constantly whipping ourselves into like be you have to be different.

20:18

You just have to bounce back.

20:19

You have to be this again.

20:20

Like I always think of this as like robots because every time I come back to like I'm just a human being and I'm going to go through these different seasons and postpartum is going to be different than perimenopause is going to be different than, you know, somebody in their 20s is going to be different and how can I expect myself to show up exactly the same all the time?

20:35

And I feel like when you understand that, there's just so much more room for like acceptance.

20:40

I love that because accepting something, the way I like to think about it, doesn't mean that I'm okay even with staying here in my postpartum or perimenopause.

20:55

No, no like I can still seek for solutions.

20:59

Absolutely.

21:00

But from a place of like, this is what it is now.

21:04

Yeah.

21:05

And let's have some compassion for that and not beat ourselves up for it while we try to look and see where some different options are.

21:12

For sure.

21:14

So in terms of our goal setting, tell me where do we start to have this more acceptance, compassionate take, where we allow for the context of what an actual human life in different seasons looks like one of the things that the same thing that we just talked about, we also do this concept that we do with our to do list.

21:36

We also do with our goals.

21:38

And so for a lot of us, myself included, I was victim to this countless times is, you know, we have this beginning of the year or whenever we think like, OK, I'm going to finally get it together and I'm going to be a completely different person.

21:51

I want to change all these things in my life.

21:53

And so I'm going to come up with.

21:55

5 or 10 different resolutions or goals that I want to like change in 2025.

22:00

And again, mostly underlying that is the same thing of like if I get this to do list done, I get to feel about good about myself.

22:07

We pick goals based on like if I do these things, then I can finally love myself, right?

22:11

If I lose the weight and I finally and I exercise and I build the business and I make the money and I have date nights with my husband and whatever, I'm getting to become a, you know, “good person,” whatever that is, a good wife, a good woman or whatnot.

22:24

And so we're already picking things from the wrong place because it's like, I need to get there in order to feel good about myself.

22:30

I need to do this thing.

22:31

And then we're overloading.

22:32

We're picking so many things that we have to change.

22:34

And we all know what happens.

22:35

Like you start it, you go all in, you're motivated for like 2 weeks.

22:39

It's way too much.

22:40

You're completely overwhelmed.

22:42

And then you give up and then you start going through like a shame spiral of like, I always do this.

22:46

I'm not consistent.

22:47

I'll never change, blah, blah, blah.

22:48

And you create this narrative and it just becomes hell.

22:50

So one thing I started doing and now it's like.

22:53

My hard and past rule in my programs and people fight me on it all the time and I love that they fight me on it until they do it and they see that it changes their lives is in 2020, I started picking only one goal.

23:04

You get one goal for the year, that's it.

23:06

Because I started realizing a couple of things.

23:10

Yes, life is short, but life's very long too.

23:13

You have a lot of time.

23:15

And when I looked at, like I'm 42 and I was like, I got hopefully another 40, 45 years at least on this earth.

23:22

If I slow down and just change little things in my life here and there and like create it kind of as these like building blocks, I have a lot of time to do a lot of different things, right?

23:32

I don't have to do it all this year.

23:33

Like obviously it's not even gonna work.

23:35

I won't change anything.

23:37

But if I just like give myself a little bit of time to actually like learn how to do things and be a human and being consistent and come back to it.

23:44

And if I don't need to pick something like if I really.

23:48

Stop this idea that I need to change myself in order to love myself.

23:51

Then I don't have the need to change everything at once.

23:53

If I can love myself where I'm at, and if I know that there's nothing else I need to do to be worthy, then I get to just pick goals because it's gonna help me grow.

24:01

It's gonna help me become the person that I know I can be.

24:04

It's gonna help me experience different things.

24:06

And yes, it's gonna improve certain areas of my life, right?

24:09

And so I started, like, getting really particular about, OK, I'm gonna give myself this year to just focus on this goal.

24:17

And when I say that, what I mean is like, you know, I inevitably get like, well, you know, if I can exercise goal, I still want to run my business.

24:24

And I'm like, I'm not saying you can't do anything else.

24:26

Like, obviously, like if I have a goal, it normally only takes a couple hours a week.

24:30

It doesn't mean that I don't do other stuff.

24:32

It's just that those things are just like nice to haves, you know, like let's say.

24:36

If my goal this year is to exercise three times a week, that's my priority.

24:40

I know like 2025, my focus is gonna be how do I create systems?

24:46

How do I work with myself to make sure that I am exercising three times a week?

24:50

Everything else?

24:51

Like, yeah, I'd like to go on dates with my husband.

24:52

I'd like to read more and I would like to, you know, like work on my business.

24:56

It's not to say I'm not going to do those things, but I know when push comes to shove like.

25:00

The focus is on exercising.

25:02

And if I don't do those other things, all right, I didn't do them.

25:04

Like, we're not worried about that this year.

25:06

I'm not giving my brain a reason to beat me up.

25:08

The way this started, I'm gonna tell you guys like how I started in 2020.

25:12

I was just starting out in my business and I was really excited.

25:15

I really wanted to focus on a sales, making money, learning how to make money.

25:19

And I had been in this loop of constantly beating myself up for not working out.

25:23

And I just was like, you know what?

25:25

What if I decide I'm actively like, I will not work out this entire year.

25:30

We're just gonna put that off.

25:31

We're gonna take it off the table because I'm so sick of this loop in my head.

25:35

We're gonna spend it.

25:36

We're not gonna work out this year.

25:37

Like brain.

25:38

Every time my brain's like, you didn't work out like, yeah, I know we decided we're not going to because I want to focus on this business.

25:43

And so my goal became I wanted to make $100,000 that year.

25:45

I wanted to learn how to sell and make $100,000.

25:48

And I was like, that's the only thing I'm focusing on to hell with everything else.

25:51

If I eat better, great.

25:52

If I don't, who cares?

25:54

And it works right?

25:55

Like I made, I made like $93,000 that year.

25:57

I didn't make 100, but my focus like my focus became my business.

26:01

Then the year after that I did like a reading- and that was my only focus.

26:05

I was still working.

26:06

I was still.

26:06

But I was like, you know what?

26:07

I'm not gonna let my brain like I'm not at a place where I want to listen to this chatter every day.

26:12

And over the last five years, I truly have like changed a lot of my life because I hit my goal.

26:17

I mean, I blow through my goals because I only pick one and I focus on that and I give myself a whole year to learn how to, like, make it into a habit so that by the end of the year, I don't really think about it that much.

26:29

So then the next year I can add something else because it becomes kind of a part of my routine.

26:33

It becomes a part of my day.

26:34

In the beginning of the year, it's usually hard.

26:36

And then towards the middle of the year kind of starts acclimating and I give myself ways to fail and I allow myself to be inconsistent and come back to it.

26:44

And I feel like by the end of the year I'm like, all right.

26:46

Onto the next thing.

26:47

I just feel like two things in my body.

26:51

Like we're like relaxation.

26:53

Like, oh my gosh, that would feel so like one thing to be the priority.

27:00

I'm not just, I'm just gonna stop giving my brain all of this ammo.

27:05

I love just that idea of like all of these ways to feel terrible.

27:09

And then I'm gonna be honest, there's another part of me that's like, but what about?

27:14

I know.

27:15

But what about, but what about, what about, what about?

27:18

Whenever I find that I wanna add a lot of things, I always just ask myself, what's the rush?

27:23

And the rush is always, 'cause I think I will feel better when I get there, I think that I need to get there in order to feel better.

27:30

So it's like, but what about, 'cause I wanna do all these other things because I think if I do all these other things, then I get to feel good about myself.

27:36

And so it feels very scary to put those on the back burner.

27:39

'Cause you're like, but if I don't do the weight loss and I don't do this or I don't do that.

27:44

And every time I bring myself back to, but I won't feel better.

27:47

Like I won't all of, we all have tried, we've all hit a goal where we thought when I do the exercising, when I lose the weight, when I get the degree, when I make this amount of money, when my business hits this,I'm gonna feel so great.

28:00

And then we do it and then we just move the goalpost and we're like, OK, but the next, if I do this thing, then I'll feel.

28:09

And so I just stopped fooling myself.

28:11

I was like, listen, we get to feel good right now in our body the way it is.

28:15

We get to feel good with the amount of money we make.

28:17

We get to feel good.

28:18

I'm I work on that and I don't have a rush to add more that I have to get done.

28:23

And I think that like-

28:25

That is typically that anxiety of, but what about is again, under this thing of like, because if I don't accomplish these things, then I don't get to feel good.

28:34

And I'm telling you, you do get to feel good, even if you don't ever accomplish those things.

28:40

It is such, such a great question.

28:42

What's the rush?

28:43

Because you're right.

28:43

The rush is, I won't have enough time, right?

28:49

And I mean, it's so fuckedI wanna feel good now by getting this endless conveyor belt of all of the things that I should be getting done for my health, my wellbeing, my spirituality, my home, my relationships, my job, right?

29:05

It's such a trap.

29:08

It's such a trap 'cause it will never end.

29:10

And here's the thing I always tell people where people say to me, like, 'cause I have that argument, literally, like probably once a week in my program where you're like, and I was like, listen, you think I'm saying, you know, what you think it is is like five goals versus one goal.

29:26

I'm saying one goal versus zero goals because you're going to give up on all of them.

29:31

So we've tried it the other way.

29:33

Just give this a shot.

29:34

You know, I'm not what's happening is we're picking all these things.

29:38

And then not only are we not accomplishing in them, we're creating so much more pain and shame and all this stuff that like, I didn't, I gave up, I'm inconsistent, I'm this, I'm that.

29:48

And we like create so much dirty pain around it.

29:52

So I'm saying like, why don't we just let that go and try focusing on one and let's just get this one done.

29:57

And then what's crazy is like, I know we all in hindsight get this, but truly like when I started this, I didn't think about it, that I was gonna do it, that it was gonna be like this, but like.

30:06

The years fly by like sometimes I'm like, I don't even know what goal I'm gonna like.

30:11

I've kind of done all this stuff I want to do because it's like it went.

30:14

So, I mean, it's been five years, but I'm like, huhAnd what am I gonna do for the next five years?

30:18

I have so many other goals I can pick.

30:20

It goes faster than we think.

30:22

And I think when you slow down, you start realizing just how much, like focusing on that one thing can set you up to not then think about it.

30:30

I also feel like.

30:32

I don't know.

30:32

Throughout these years, I think because I did this, I sort of really changed that narrative with myself of like, I can't trust myself.

30:38

I'm not consistent.

30:39

I always give up cause I did.

30:41

And now I'm like, I can hit any goal, give me any goal.

30:44

Right?

30:45

So it fundamentally changed how I really thought about myself.

30:49

Not that I'm doing anything groundbreaking, you know it's like a business goal or working out or whatnot.

30:54

But I think because I gave myself like the parameters of like, this is all we're worrying about.

30:58

We're not gonna like overload ourselves.

31:00

We're not gonna overwhelm ourselves.

31:01

We're gonna like work with our brain.

31:02

We're gonna give ourselves time.

31:04

It built my confidence in being able to hit my goals and to pick better goals.

31:08

So I just say, even for me, I still get to like, okay, but what about all these other stuff and I just have to bring myself back.

31:14

And I guess the last thing I would say too is like what you're saying, this like conveyor belt, like that's such a great image because I always tell people, like even when we go back to the to-do list, when people are like, I didn't get my to-do list done or whatever.

31:24

I'm like, okay, let's say you do, let's just imagine you check off all these boxes.

31:27

What happens then?

31:28

And they're like, I just add more things.

31:31

You know, like I wake up and I'm like, yeah, like what's, you know, like you get those five goals done.

31:35

Okay, you're just adding more things that you think need to change.

31:38

Like it never ends.

31:40

So I think like when you can kind of slow it down and be like.

31:43

OK, like this is the capacity I have is to do one goal this year.

31:47

And like I know that there's going to be a laundry list of things I wish I could do and I may never get to them.

31:52

And that's OK.

31:53

We're going to just focus one at a time.

31:56

I just noticed laundry list, even that like laundry is never done because we wear clothes every day.

32:07

We used to have this joke that I would sit my kids down and I would be like, Guys, I figured out how to have a clean house.

32:13

We all have to move out and live somewhere else.

32:16

Right?

32:17

Yeah Even the name, laundry list, in the name is the fact that it's that it's never done.

32:24

You're so right.

32:25

I hadn't thought about that.

32:26

Oh my gosh.

32:27

So unless we're willing to just like walk around naked all day, there's always going and never use clothes, right?

32:33

There is always going to be more.

32:35

It's just the most human thing ever.

32:38

I mean, you and I are recording this podcast, you know, first week of December.

32:42

It is in, we are in winter in, you know, our side, our hemisphere.

32:47

And it's supposed to be a time of like hibernation, renewal, resting, reflection.

32:56

And I thinkWe are, it's just the most human thing ever to be like, What else can I do with this extra five minutes?

33:06

And then the second thought I had is, one goal versus zero.

33:11

That's brilliant.

33:13

And it's so telling.

33:16

I wonder, I would love to see the faces of the people when you say that, because it's like, it's so true.

33:21

Like, I am going to give up on these five goals in about mid-February, early March.

33:27

And you're right, then it's no goals.

33:29

But here's the other thing.

33:30

If I had just put on the list, you know, empty this bin of all this junk, I would've gotten to feel good about that.

33:40

And then I can pick something else.

33:42

One other thing.

33:43

I can just add things one at a time.

33:45

That's why it sort of started when I talked about when I did it originally with work and my to-do list was crazy.

33:51

I really started saying like, okay, every day I only have to do three things.

33:55

I can only do three things.

33:56

AndIf I get those done, then like, yeah, maybe I'll do other stuff, but like that's all I need to do.

34:01

And like they weren't like huge things.

34:03

It might be something that was 30 minutes, but I really, it's almost like you just have to put reins on your brain.

34:08

Like you have to like put some parameters of like, OK, until you kind of get the hang of it.

34:13

And it was fascinating cause it was what I was saying too is like even when I would get those done, I realized like, oh, my brain's not happy because it's just constantly thinks I should be doing more and it like was helping me retrain it.

34:24

But yeah, it's fascinating when you start realizing like.

34:26

All of this shit is made-up, right?

34:28

Even the to-do list and feeling good about doing laundry.

34:31

You know like I get so many people who, there's so much angst about their home being a certain way or like not doing laundry.

34:38

You know, and it's the same thing.

34:38

I'm like, okay, let's just like go there.

34:40

Let's say we don't fold the laundry.

34:43

What happens?

34:44

The amount that we have created of like meaning around these things, I feel like the more you become aware of it and you're like, what if I get to feel good?

34:54

Even if I didn't fold the laundry, you know like what if like that is just a totally made-up thing that like I have to have this done in order to get to feel good about myself.

35:01

And so yeah, I think that it's just this like changing kind of how you approach it to start just to show your brain that like this is a completely made-up neutral thing.

35:10

It's just words on a paper that I decided if I don't check enough of them, then I don't get to feel good about myself.

35:15

And it doesn't ever have to be that way.

35:17

And for those of us who are people pleasers, it often has to do with the perception of other people and what they are going to think of us.

35:26

Because I'm thinking right now about a conversation I had with my husband this weekend about you know the frequency with which we clean our home, getting things picked up.

35:36

If you were to look around my office right now, I have a very different standard of cleanliness.

35:41

I mean, there's piles on my desk.

35:44

There's some stuff back there that I have to return.

35:46

There's a pile over here of books that I was going to do something with them, and they ended up right there.

35:52

But nobody sees my office.

35:53

Yeah, yeah I shut the door.

35:55

And if you go out into the rest of my house where people come and see, that has to be clean and organized at a very different standard.

36:02

And so if you're listening to this and just thinking through some of these things, how much of it is your worth tied to what you do in the particular way that other people will think something of you, and you're trying to control what they think about you?

36:20

100% and it's sort of hard, you know, to parse these things out because so many things have been programmed in us.

36:26

And so a lot of times we're like, well, I don't know, do I want this or have I been programmed?

36:29

And it is hard to parse out.

36:30

But the root of it is that like most of the things that have been programmed into us is like do these things in order for other people to think that you are good and then you get to feel good, right.

36:41

And so we all are kind of striving to constantly like.

36:44

Live up, which the standards just get harder and harder, right?

36:47

What's fascinating is that it's not as though it was like, OK, like women started working in the workplace.

36:53

Like now you can kind of take it easy at home.

36:54

It's like, well, no.

36:55

And now we're bringing Pinterest moms and like your holidays have to be completely, everything has to be like, look amazing and you have to do these parties.

37:02

And like, we just keep stacking things that are absolutely impossible to, you know, like one of the things I always tell people, 'cause I always talk about like how none of this is natural and how it's all kind of made-up.

37:13

And what you were saying actually, like about winter, like it's time for hibernation.

37:18

It's always so fascinating.

37:19

People are like, I don't know why I'm so tired.

37:20

And I'm like, I don't know, cuz everything in nature is like slowing down and it's dark at 4:00.

37:25

Like it's not a huge mystery, but we are just so programmed to believe like you should just have the same output and input at all times and so.

37:34

No, but I do think, I just think like when we we think about like these standards that we have created or other people have created for us and like we have to sort it that we keep living up to when you start realizing that like none of that stuff is real or none of that stuff is like what you were just saying about your desk.

37:51

It's so fascinating like it would-

37:53

Again, going back to the ADHD stuff, one of the things I realized is like, I don't really have object permanent permanence.

37:58

Like if things go into a drawer, I forget that they're there.

38:01

And so I've always been kind of disorganized and my desk is very disorganized.

38:05

Same thing.

38:05

The rest of the house has to be picked up.

38:06

But like, this is the way I actually love it.

38:08

I know where everything is.

38:09

Like, I can't put papers away in drawers or anything.

38:13

And it was the most like liberating thing where I was like, it's just going to be like this.

38:18

I'm never gonna clean it because I don't want to.

38:20

I don't want everything to be off and it to be like completely clean.

38:23

That actually gives me anxiety because I don't know whether I put half the stuff because I forget.

38:28

So it's like, I want to keep it like this.

38:29

And it's like, I think when we just realize like, again, I get to just do it the way that it works for me and I get to like decide what is.

38:36

And when there is no morality, it doesn't make me a better person because my desk doesn't have anything on it.

38:42

Like that's just not how I work and that's OK.

38:45

And I feel like the more you can kind of see that, the easier it becomes to kind of figure out again, like what works better for you and what doesn't.

38:51

I'm thinking the same way.

38:53

If I put that bag of stuff that I need to return in a closet, it will be there.

38:59

So object permanence maybe.

39:00

But what I just love considering like where are we putting a moral value on something where there is no morality all the time.

39:10

All the time.

39:11

And we live in a literal avalanche of social media pictures and information about how we should be doing it.

39:21

Yeah And it's all made-up.

39:24

And what you just said too, going back to the whole people pleasing thing, because I get a lot of people who will then put like, oh, but it's so hard because like this, and I'm like, yeah, it is hard to push back against this because somebody else around you has bought into it.

39:37

So one of the things that I talk about, let's say for women is like,How much free labor?

39:41

Like one of the things that drives me that's I have a rant once a week about schools and the amount of like free stuff they want from women and like the volunteering and all the stuff and PTA's and the amount of like times you have to just like randomly show up at 11:00 to take a picture of your kid.

39:54

You know, it's like people work or whatever.

39:55

Anyways, I can go off on a whole tangent on that, but one of the things I say is like.

40:00

I sort of made a decision where I was like, yes, certain holiday parties and stuff, I will go, but like I've made it very clear to my kids, to them, I'm not volunteering in your classes.

40:09

I don't have the time.

40:10

It's not something I want to do, to be honest.

40:12

I don't necessarily, I send you to school so I can get some time away.

40:15

But that's not an easy thing to do in a community where all the other moms are doing it.

40:20

You do feel judged.

40:21

Everybody's on the PTA, or your kids do say, well, why don't you ever volunteer in our in my class?

40:28

And I had to like, you have to sit with the disappointment of others, right?

40:31

Where it's like, yeah, I understand that you like my kids want that, but I'm like, I also get to protect my time and I'm not coming once a week for two hours or whatever.

40:38

Like I would rather, even if I'm not working, I would rather use that time to read and rest and like go exercise or something.

40:45

And so no, like this doesn't work for my life.

40:48

Now I'm not saying if you get a lot of joy from that, you want to do that.

40:50

That's great for you.

40:51

I'm saying in a lot of different contexts, it is hard to say no.

40:55

But that's the only way that like I truly have found, and I'm sure you teach this, is like, there is no way to please everyone and also enjoy your life.

41:03

There's just no way to be.

41:04

That's the big lie.

41:05

It's the big lie.

41:06

Yeah.

41:06

And so I realized, like, OK, if I'm going to create a life where I do get rest and I do get joy and I do get time to myself and I do, you know, then I have to be willing to say no to other people, even if they don't understand it or even if they are disappointed or even if.

41:21

Everyone else is not doing it.

41:22

Like, it's hard not being a Pinterest mom when everybody else is a Pinterest mom.

41:26

Like, nobody's saying, of course it's easier in the moment.

41:28

That's why we all gave into it.

41:29

We were like, OK, I could do this right now.

41:31

But then on the in the long run, we're all resentful and burned out and tired and want something to change.

41:36

And so you have to be willing to kind of like have that, those difficult transitions, those difficult conversations to be like, yeah, I'm not up for that anymore.

41:44

I'm not up to host.

41:46

You know, Thanksgiving anymore.

41:47

I'm not whatever it might be for you that's like, you know, a drain.

41:50

But I think when we just have these endless to-do lists because we're trying to be everything to everybody, it is only going to end in anger and resentment.

41:59

And in the literal breakdown of your body.

42:02

Yeah, that too.

42:03

Right?

42:03

We now know, I'll link to this in the show notes, that 80% of immune disorders happen to women.

42:14

80%, we're talking like Hashimoto's and and all of these- Fibromyalgia and all this stuff.

42:22

Yes, immune function disorders where your body starts to attack itself happen to women.

42:28

And it is largely tied to the way we give and give and shove our emotions down and don't express our anger and don't set boundaries and have limitations on what we are giving.

42:40

Eventually your body will just tell you that it can't do anymore.

42:44

But then you are now living with a different set of painful you know symptoms and circumstances.

42:50

The next question that I'm going to ask you, I want to preface it.

42:55

A lot of people who are listening to this podcast are not going to know how to decide on their one goal.

43:02

Yeah.

43:03

Because our heads are so full of the expectations of other people, what I should be doing.

43:09

And for someone like I felt this, like the question of who am I really?

43:17

What do I really want separate and apart from what everybody else?

43:20

So I know that people listening are going to be feeling some of that tension as I ask you, how do you help your people decide on their one goal?

43:32

That's a great question, I get it all the time.

43:34

The first principle that you have to understand is that there is no right goal because we're all searching for like what's the perfect one that's going to drop all the dominoes.

43:41

It's like you're honestly you could just choose from a hat, put them on a hat, pick one.

43:44

That's going to be your goal.

43:46

Make it as easy as possible because really like you have to take the pressure off of like again, the point is not it's going to transform everything in your life.

43:52

It's going to make one thing better, right?

43:54

Or it's going to like set the foundation for the next thing and the next thing.

43:56

So really you have to like, I think for a lot of us who are perfectionists who want to know like, but what's the best one.

44:02

So.

44:03

You have to start from that premise.

44:04

But a couple of questions I ask myself even is, one is like, OK, it's December 2025.

44:12

What am I going to look back and regret not having worked on?

44:15

Or like if it hasn't changed, what's something that you can think about something that's maybe really causing a lot of pain or something that is really like, I want to hit this goal.

44:23

I think about that.

44:24

I think what would one be where I'd be disappointed that it didn't change?

44:29

Another question I would ask is like, what's one thing where like I really know I have to work on this in order to be able to do a lot of other stuff.

44:36

So let's say like for instance, it might be a very practical, like I want to quit my job or I want to start a business, but I have a lot of debt.

44:42

Maybe like my this year goal has to be tackling my debt, figuring out a plan, figuring out whatever it might be.

44:48

OK, like maybe I don't want to work on that, but I know like that's gonna that's the thing that's causing a lot of stress.

44:52

That's the thing.

44:53

So we're gonna handle that.

44:54

Or for me, like one of the years it became like I was in a lot of physical pain.

44:58

I hadn't been working out.

44:59

I had a lot of back pain.

45:00

I had a lot of hip pain.

45:02

I was feeling terrible.

45:03

And I was like, OK, we've put this off way too long.

45:05

Like, at this point, I can't even really work or show up in my life because I'm dealing with this.

45:09

So like, it has to be a health goal this year, you know?

45:11

So that's one way.

45:13

Another way, if nothing comes to you in that way, is if you Google Wheel of Life, there's all these like you could do, it'll come up.

45:20

It's basically draw a circle with like 8 parts, right?

45:23

Like.

45:24

You kind of cut the circle into eight little pie charts.

45:27

And then you put eight different parts of your life, like career, family, like you know friends, fun, maybe spirituality, maybe physical environment.

45:37

There's a bunch that'll give you examples.

45:39

And then you just go through and you rate how you would rate that area of your life from zero to 10.

45:43

Okay, so like your career, your finances, whatnot, like where are you rating?

45:47

It just gives you a good snapshot of like how you feel about your own life.

45:51

And sometimes it's really easy when you look at that to be like, OK, if one area's at a three, like everything else is like at an eight or a nine or five, you know even a seven or whatnot.

46:01

But like this area's at a three, like maybe that's where I wanna focus on for the next year.

46:05

Like maybe that's the thing that is really draining a lot of my energy and I didn't really realize it.

46:10

So those are typically the exercises I give people is like just those kind of questions to help you really.

46:17

Zone in on like where is maybe the problem area and then you just have to decide.

46:20

So like I wouldn't spend too much time like you could obsess about this and spin and make pro and con lists and think of all the reasons why all the goals are great.

46:29

You're going to drive yourself crazy.

46:30

Like just pick one after you do one of these exercises and let that be it and move on.

46:37

Those are really those are really helpful.

46:40

And I just want to say for myself and for, I know, a lot of you, like sneaky perfectionist maximizers out there, no maximizing.

46:49

And here's what I mean by that.

46:51

My husband is actually really good at just one thing at a time.

46:54

Men actually are, because they can't really multitask, which is fascinating.

47:00

It's so fascinating.

47:01

And I just don't think his value is tied up.

47:06

No.

47:06

Like he's been going to the gym very consistently.

47:09

And at first, he would go for like 20 minutes.

47:12

And I would say to him, and honey, I'm sorry.

47:14

I did say this.

47:15

I'm saying everybody enough now.

47:17

I would say, well, why don't you just stay for 30 or 40?

47:21

I would try to maximize his goals for him because I'm like, you can't really get a good workout done in 20.

47:26

And he's like, Sara, I'm going for 20.

47:29

And so then he would go for 30, and then now you know he's there for 45 minutes to an hour.

47:34

And I'm like, well, why don't you hire a trainer?

47:36

Why don't you?

47:37

And it's like, I just constantly have this like inner, like let's up the pressure.

47:42

Let's make it better.

47:43

Let's maximize it.

47:45

And that is just something that I want to put.

47:48

You know If you have an inner maximizer, that's also made-up, right?

47:53

Totally.

47:54

And in fact, his way is way more effective.

47:57

Like I, you know, there's so many little parts of this and I obviously can't teach everything on it.

48:01

But one of the things I do teach people is like, you have to sort of pick what is going to be not just, I mean, it could be like the bare minimum or baseline, but just a doable.

48:10

So when I picked my exercise goal, it was just to work out three days a week, right.

48:14

And it was, I really had to get my brain on like, we're not going to sneakily be like, OK, but maybe we do four or five this week or, you know, no.

48:21

Three days a week is it, right?

48:23

And I had to give myself that for a year.

48:25

And now I do workout about four or five.

48:27

It's like this is the third year I've been doing it because it was like, it needs to be something where I don't get overwhelmed.

48:33

When I start, you know, it's like when you told yourself I was gonna only walk 20 minutes and then you make it an hour, the next time you go, you're like, I don't wanna walk for an hour.

48:40

So then you give up on it as opposed to like, no, if I keep it at like, it is not all or nothing.

48:46

Like doing 50% is better than doing 0%, right?

48:48

So it's like just doing a little bit.

48:50

So whatever your goal is, if you make it a manageable one, again, you're more likely to stick to it and then it becomes a habit and then you can grow it as opposed to like, I have to squeeze out every drop from this you know hour that I'm doing this, or I need to like make this the most effective or the most efficient is just a recipe for you giving up on it.

49:08

It's so true.

49:10

It's so true.

49:11

Goli, I have loved this conversation.

49:14

I can always tell when I've heard something that is true for me because my body just feels relaxed and like hopeful.

49:23

I love that.

49:25

Like yeah yeah I think this is such a better a better way.

49:29

And I think the challenge for me is just going to be reminding my brain that one thing is better than no things.

49:36

Because I really have like a strewn path in my past of all these goals that I tried to maximize and make the best plan and color code the calendar andAnd then it's just too much.

49:49

And I mean, the walk is actually a good example.

49:53

The one you just gave is like once you do the hours, like the 20 minutes doesn't count anymore.

49:58

And that's so sad that we do that to ourselves.

50:00

So I appreciate that.

50:01

Is there anything that you didn't get a chance to say that you want to make sure you say as we end here?

50:08

Again, I will say, like just to wrap it up, a lot of goal setting, a lot of this stuff isSimply an exercise in building trust with yourself, even though all of us, by the way, already have enough evidence to be able to build trust.

50:23

But again, we've ignored it, right?

50:24

So I will say really quickly, like people, it's one of my pet peeves when people tell me like, oh, I'm not consistent.

50:30

And I was like, really?

50:31

Do you brush your teeth every day?

50:32

Do you?

50:33

You know, like.

50:34

You've made food enough to survive.

50:36

You have a job.

50:36

How are you telling me you're not consistent?

50:38

But it's because we look at one goal that we didn't do and we don't look at the millions of things that we've been consistent with throughout our whole life.

50:44

And we just create the story of like, I'm not a consistent person, right?

50:47

And so when I say we've been with trust, like you have enough to be able to trust yourself.

50:50

But part of this, like what you were just giving as an example, is that.

50:54

You know, if you went to a trainer and that trainer was like, OK, we're going to workout for 20 minutes, then you workout for 20 minutes and he's like, OK, one more exercise, let's just go do this.

51:01

And then you do that.

51:02

And he's like, OK, now let's just do, you know, weights.

51:05

And you're like, I thought we were done.

51:06

And then he's like, OK, you know, you wouldn't go back.

51:08

You'd be like this guy's a psychopath.

51:10

Like it's been an hour and we said 20 minutes, right.

51:13

But we do that with ourselves.

51:14

And so that's why a lot of times we procrastinate because your brain is on to you.

51:18

It's like, Sara's never gonna let me rest.

51:20

I'm gonna go from picking up this basket to then going and brushing the dog's teeth and then I have to go do, so like, I'm gonna just like take us into scrolling or I'm gonna do something to scroll it down.

51:30

And so when I looked at like, okay, the goal is for me to build trust and I have to make it a manageable way to say like, all right, body, well, I'm not gonna kill you.

51:39

We're gonna do 20 minutes and I promise you when 20 minutes is done, we'll be done.

51:43

Overtime you're like, oh, I will take care of myself.

51:45

I will do and I can trust myself.

51:47

And when I said I'm gonna do three things at work, I'm only gonna do three things at work.

51:51

I'm so much more focused and able to do things because I realize, like, I actually do rest.

51:56

I actually do give myself time to not do a bunch of stuff.

51:59

I actually, like, I feel like I've rebuilt that trust with my brain and my body to be like.

52:04

I'm not going to drive you into the ground anymore.

52:06

And so I think really for me, like that has been the purpose of these goals.

52:09

Like the actual goal, like I was saying, it doesn't actually matter.

52:11

It's simply like, can I find an area of my life where I build a different level of trust with myself?

52:16

And then it becomes easier and it becomes this kind of snowball.

52:18

So hopefully that is a different way of thinking about your goals.

52:23

For me, it definitely is.

52:24

And I'm so appreciative that you would take the time to have this conversation.

52:28

Of course.

52:28

I've had so much fun.

52:29

Thank you so much for having me.