Episode 88 - How To Have More Holiday Magic this Season

With the holiday season fast approaching, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of parties, errands, cooking, and cleaning that keep us busy. In this episode, we’ll look at how these people-pleasing behaviors can leave us feeling disconnected from the meaningful connections we seek most during this season.  

Here’s what I cover:

• Why connection is the true magic of the holiday season
• The unintended consequences of trying to feel connection through people-pleasing
• How to develop a framework to go through this holiday season in a better than last year
• Why focusing on self-connection during the holidays will help you feel content when they’re over instead of sad and tired
• Three steps to help you tune into your emotions and connect with yourself

I can't wait for you to listen.

Sign up for Stop People Pleasing: Holiday Edition. It's a series of three workshops beginning Thursday, November 14th where we'll dive into the skills that you need so that this season is magical for you, too.

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Transcript

You are listening to the Ex-Good Girl Podcast, episode 88.

00:06

Hi.

00:07

How are you doing?

00:11

We're about a week out from the United States elections, and I just want to start this episode by saying wherever you are, totally makes sense.

00:24

I have heard from people who are feeling deep grief, disorientation, people who are feeling happy that they feel like the right candidate won, people who are feeling misunderstood, all over the place.

00:42

And what I want each of you to know is that wherever you are, that's right, I am feeling grief and disorientation as well.

00:59

And I'm starting to feel a lot of curiosity because at the heart of who I want to be in the world, there is a healthy helping of conflict resolution, mostly because it's been something I was so bad at for most of my life, just avoiding conflict at all cost.

01:20

And I have seen just in the last couple of years in my own life, how being able to resolve conflict.

01:30

And that doesn't mean agreeing.

01:31

That doesn't mean everybody gets on the same team.

01:34

But being able to talk about these really difficult, tender, tender things like vulnerability and shame and places where I might be wrong or I might have been telling myself a story that doesn't serve me or where I have been mischaracterizing someone else.

01:54

They have really been huge areas of growth for me.

01:59

So I know that eventually I will want to better understand what is happening in terms of the division in our country, division in family groups, in friend groups, in relationships, because I feel like it's such a rich soil for growth, but I'm not there yet.

02:22

I don't expect anyone to be there yet, but what I do know is what I want to talk about today is essential, and it is connection.

02:33

It is self-connection, really being deeply committed to understanding what it is that each of us want and what gets in the way of that.

02:45

And because it is, I'm recording this on Monday, November 11th, you're going to hear it on Wednesday, the 13th.

02:53

The holidays are here.

02:56

And what makes holidays so unique is that they're kind of this microcosm of all of our stories in especially our Western culture.

03:10

And actually, not even just Western, any type of holiday.

03:13

There's so many holidays that get celebrated this winter season.

03:18

And they are a microcosm of all of our traditions and rituals and ceremonies, our decorations, the way we gather, the food we eat, our expectations, our hopes, our dreams.

03:36

And it can be a lot under normal circumstances, and it's a lot right now.

03:43

And so what I want to do is what I do best,which is help us come up with a framework for how to go through this holiday season in a better way than we did last year, even given all of the things that don't feel like they make sense right now, all of the challenges that we didn't plan on having at this time.

04:11

And what I want to turn your attention to is connection.

04:16

Because connection has always been the holiday magic.

04:20

I mean, think about it for just a second.

04:22

Think about your favorite holidays or your favorite moments in holidays from the past.

04:29

What made them special?

04:32

Why do you remember those things?

04:35

My guess is that it's some moment of connection.

04:41

When we were little, two different things combined to make one of my favorite holiday memories.

04:47

We lived near a bakery outlet that would sell these cases of cinnamon rolls at a really discounted price.

04:57

And so my parents, that fact, combined with the fact that my parents have always been some of the most incredibly giving, service-oriented people that I know.

05:07

And so we would make these cinnamon roll wreaths, and we would bake them all Christmas Eve, and then we would take them out and we would Christmas carol.

05:17

Yeah.

05:17

I want to paint the picture for you.

05:20

So we lived in a very small house with a small kitchen.

05:24

Every counter space was taken up with these huge cardboard circles that my dad would cut out that we would wrap in foil.

05:33

My mom would bake these cinnamon roll wreaths, you know, a bunch of cinnamon rolls in a circle, and then we would frost them and decorate them, and then we would wrap them in plastic wrap and then pile them in the back of our big red diesel van.

05:51

And all eight of us would pile in and we would spend Christmas Eve going to different homes of friends and people that we loved from our church congregation, from our community, and we would sing.

06:08

My dad loves music.

06:10

Music has always been a huge part of my life, classical music and choir music.

06:15

And so there was just something really special about being in the van, crowded with my brothers and sisters.

06:24

It was Christmas Eve.

06:26

We were excited for the next day.

06:28

We had workedI mean, there were some things about the production that, you know, weren't fantastic, the frustrations and fighting and it took a lot for my parents to do that.

06:40

But the connection that we felt as we would - it's going to make me emotional - visit our friends and present them with a physical representation of our love for them, our appreciation for them in our lives, singing Christmas songs that were meaningful to us as a family and to our religious tradition and to the season created huge moments of connection.

07:15

I still have childhood friends. When we talk, it's one of their favorite things that they remember about our family, the Bybee family, is these these cinnamon roll wreaths and our Christmas Eve caroling.

07:32

And so if you are thinking through your own memories from holidays past, do this.

07:40

What was the connection?

07:43

Because connection is the holiday magic.

07:47

And so often what happens when we want connection is our people pleaser shifts into overdrive, and we start planning all of these events around how we are going to get connection by pleasing other people.

08:05

And while that sounds like a good idea, it's certainly reliable, right?

08:10

It's certainly the thing we know how to do.

08:13

The unintended consequence is that during the holidays, so much of our energy is outward focused.

08:22

We start texting family members to find out what their favorite food is so we can make it for them.

08:26

We start searching for the perfect gift for that coworker.

08:31

We start making sure that our kids are included in all of the holiday parties that they want to go to.

08:38

And not that that is bad, none of those things are bad or wrong, but the unintended consequences, there is such a huge outlay of our energy and effort and our brain space and our time,that we don't create connection to us, to ourselves and what we want, and we get lost.

09:01

What that looks like is the holidays are over and there's this weird mix of sadness and relief.

09:10

Relief because, oh, thank you, it is over, right?

09:15

We don't have to focus so much on other people.

09:19

We are done cooking all the food and cleaning up all the mess and hosting the party and making sure that everybody feels included and invited.

09:27

And we're relieved.

09:27

But we're also sad because all of those things we were doing, the gifts, the errands, the parties, we were trying to get connection with those activities.

09:44

We were trying to get connection and we didn't because what we lost in all of that outward energy was connection to ourselves.

09:55

One of the reasons that I am pitching this to you now is because there is no more important time for self-connection.

10:06

And it's so easy for us to just get lost in the holidays.

10:10

And if what you want is to just get lost in the holidays, then that is 100% okay.

10:16

But if you want this holiday season to be different than last holiday season, in terms of the magic, that's connection, and it starts with self-connection.

10:29

And so the first thing that has to exist for you to connect to yourself is an understanding of what you are feeling.

10:37

So for me, this sounds like grief.

10:41

I'm feeling grief because I want to live in a world where everyone is treated equally.

10:49

And I don't think we are there yet.

10:51

I have this thing that I wanted and hoped to receive, and I didn't.

10:56

And so for me, that is why this grief is there.

11:00

And that kind of leads us into the second part of self-connection, which is why am I feeling this?

11:07

Maybe you're feeling scared.

11:10

And you are feeling scared because some of the things that President-to-be Trump, I guess, President, again, to be Trump, has said he will do directly affect people that you love.

11:23

That's fair.

11:25

And that's very, very normal.

11:27

And yes, maybe you are feeling misunderstood.

11:31

Maybe you're feeling disoriented.

11:33

Maybe you are feeling like… uncertain, right?

11:36

What's coming next?

11:37

All of those feelings are valid and they matter.

11:40

And then you need to ask yourself, why am I feeling this?

11:45

And then if we're taking this in steps, right?

11:49

Step number one, what am I feeling?

11:51

Step number two, why am I feeling this?

11:52

Step number three, feel it.

11:56

Let the tears come.

11:58

Let the feeling just be in your body in a loving, attentive way until you feel either like the volume just turns down or it starts to evaporate or you just feel it pass through your body.

12:14

That is how emotions work.

12:17

They come, they're like a wave.

12:21

They will crest and then they will crash and then they will kind of recede and go back out to sea.

12:27

And we have to do this multiple times with these emotions.

12:32

But the reason that we do is because the trust that we build with ourselves from just feeling whatever is present, not judging it, not shaming it, not criticizing ourselves for having it, is hugely, hugely valuable.

12:50

Because then, after you have identified what you're feeling, you've figured out why you're feeling it, and you have just felt it, then you can plan.

13:01

Then you can ask yourself the question about this upcoming holiday, what is really important to me?

13:08

And how can I really center and focus on connection this holiday season with myself, with the people who I love, the people who I'm going to be with, and if you are ready, with people who I think might feel differently than me about this past election.

13:31

If you're not ready for that, that is totally 100% fine.

13:35

You don't ever have to be ready for that.

13:38

It is not my place to tell you what to do.

13:42

What I am offering you is the magic of the holidays is connection.

13:51

And the magic of self-connection will help you make decisions that feel difficult right now.

13:57

Who do you want to invite?

13:58

Which party do you want to go to?

14:00

How do you want to spend your time?

14:01

How do you want to spend your energy?

14:02

Do you want to do this or that?

14:04

All of that can feel very confusing outside of the context of the self.

14:10

Like, how do I want to prioritize connection?

14:13

And so all of the overwhelming things about the holiday get very, very clear when we connect with ourselves and with the way that we want our holiday to be, because then that's our plan.

14:30

Then we need to figure out how to put that plan into words so that the people around us know how this holiday is going to be different.

14:42

One of the reasons why I have done the Stop People Pleasing holiday edition for the last three years is because the holidays are just at such a time when people pleasers can just get swept up in all of the needs of other people.

14:58

It's so easy and we're so good at it.

15:01

But self-connection is the key to having a different holiday season.

15:07

What do you really want?

15:09

What really is memorable and special to you that you want more of?

15:14

What are things that are not big payoffs in terms of when you invest your time and energy and effort?

15:21

How can we cut back on some of those things?

15:24

And we're going to do it together in three workshops.

15:28

The first workshop actually happens tomorrow on the 14th, and we're starting at 4:30 p.m. Pacific.

15:35

We're going to dive into those questions about you, what you want more of, what you want less of.

15:42

We're going to have another workshop on the 21st that's going to refine the plan and give you the words to say it, because a plan without the words to kind of communicate those things to other people can be really tricky.

15:57

We're going to need words to express different preferences, different limits, different expectations, and perhaps even different boundaries.

16:06

And so those first two workshops are going to dive into creating the plan and creating the words.

16:13

Then you'll have a week.

16:15

If you're in the United States, that's American Thanksgiving.

16:18

You'll get to test drive this plan and really kind of see what works and what doesn't work.

16:24

And we're going to come back on December 5th for another 90-minute workshop where we are able to figure out what happened that worked well,and what might still need some fine tuning.

16:38

If you're a new client, you will also get a private 60-minute call with me between the 2nd of December and the 11th of December, and we're gonna just make sure that you are clear on everything that needs to happen so that there is less running around and more sitting on the couch with those who you love.

16:59

There is less cleaning and more time spent enjoying putting puzzles together, going for walks, going to the movies, spending time with people who fill your cup as much as you want to fill theirs.

17:16

There is still time to register.

17:19

We have a lot ahead of us in terms of people and the human race.

17:28

It's work that is ongoing, that is never going to be done.

17:33

And sometimes when I look really globally, it can be overwhelming.

17:38

So that's why this workshop focuses on you in your home at this holiday season, your relationships that matter, your relationships that you want to grow and build, starting with you, starting with this essential self-connection piece.

17:59

Check out the link in the show notes or you can go to the link in my bio in my Instagram account for all of the information that you need.

18:09

Send me a DM.

18:10

Let me know how you're doing.

18:12

What are you feeling?

18:14

And how can I help?

18:16

This Stop People Pleasing holiday edition is one of my most requested favorite workshops because of this really tender, important time.

18:24

But we're going to have more tender, important times coming.

18:27

So let's get ready together.

18:29

Thanks for listening.

18:30

See you next week.