Episode 96 - What to Do When You Mess Up

Mistakes are a part of life–we all make them, whether it’s with ourselves, with others, or in pursuit of our goals. Even as we grow emotionally and strive for greater self-connection, our inner critical voice often shames us for every misstep. In this episode, I explore why self-compassion is key when we mess up, and how leaving self-criticism behind is essential to lasting growth. Here’s what I cover:

• Examples that illustrate the way we were conditioned to fear making mistakes and the lasting impact this has
• How to address the parts of yourself that are triggered when you mess up—the critic and the part that feels like you are in trouble—with compassion so you can move forward in a healthy way
• Why caring for those parts allows us to separate ourselves from the mistakes we make
• Sentences to say when you mess that preserve your self-respect and the sincerity of your apology
• How people pleasers often conflate their self-worth with their actions, but you deserve to make a mistake and recover from it
• Four questions to ask after you make a mistake to inspire a more loving response from yourself

I can't wait for you to listen.

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Transcript

You are listening to the Ex-Good Girl Podcast, episode 96.

00:05

Okay, short and sweet podcast episode because I needed this pep talk.

00:10

I need it all the time, and I want you to have it too because we all mess up.

00:16

We mess up with ourselves.

00:18

We mess up with other people.

00:21

We mess up when we set goals, which usually happens at, you know, the new year for better or for worse.

00:28

And one of the things that consistently is an issue with the women that I work with and with myself is how to handle when you mess up in a way that is compassionate, that is creative, that has some elasticity and some flexibility in it.

00:51

Because the way that we were taught, almost across the board, I mean, raise your hand if you had parents or teachers or a pastor or a coach who, when you messed up, sat you down and said, you know, Sara, you are a wonderful person, and this mistake does not mean anything about you.

01:09

Your value, your worth is completely separate from the things that you do.

01:16

You are loved.

01:17

You are not in trouble.

01:18

You are wanted, and you can let this go.

01:21

Okay, raise your hand.

01:22

If you have that, I am so happy for you.

01:26

Most of us did not.

01:28

In fact, we had the opposite, which was, what is wrong with you?

01:34

You need to try harder.

01:35

You need to do better.

01:37

People are counting on you.

01:38

You're the example.

01:39

People are watching you.

01:41

You need to make us happy with your behavior, right?

01:45

That wasn't what they said, but it was definitely what was implied.

01:50

And so, as we grow up, and become the people today who are trying to be healthier in terms of maybe our physical health, our emotional health, our wellbeing, how we take care of ourselves, how we move through the world with greater self-connection, those voices are still there.

02:13

And what happens when we mess up, either with ourself personally and just our goals and who we want to be or with others, is that the critic that each of us have.

02:25

I have never met a person who doesn't have that inner critical part, ramps up with the shame and the blame and the criticizing and the judgment and the self-doubt and the second guessing and the spinning and ruminating on the past and mistakes and why we should feel terrible about ourselves.

02:48

And it is essential that we learn how to deal with that part, how to talk to that part in a loving way.

02:56

Otherwise, it's going to just push us under the water every single time.

03:00

The first thing that is really essential to notice, this may seem obvious, but to me, it was super helpful.

03:08

We are always going to be able to look back with perspective that we don't have when we make the mistake.

03:16

I am always going to be able to look back at the way that I didn't give myself enough time to get to my appointment on time because I was trying to fit in one more thing before I left.

03:28

So I'm berating myself on the drive there about how I'm never on time, how I'm going to be so embarrassed to walk in late, how everybody's waiting for me, how I should have known, and why didn't I, right?

03:38

I'm always going to be able to look back with perspective.

03:42

And it's just perspective that I didn't have in the moment.

03:47

So if that helps you, it's one thing that has really helped me.

03:50

It's just fact.

03:52

I'm going to always look back with additional information and perspective that I didn't have when I made the mistake.

04:00

That's just a part of being human.

04:03

Now, because of the way that we develop little sub-personalities, I mean, I want you to think of the movie Inside Out.

04:11

It's a fantastic depiction of how these parts come into being that are trying to take care of us, that critic part is actually a part that is trying to protect me by beating me over the head with what I did.

04:30

I didn't leave on time.

04:31

I didn't set an alarm.

04:32

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, right?

04:35

It's actually trying to help me by beating me up so that I don't do it again.

04:42

That is the most common way that as children, our mistakes were corrected.

04:50

By writing on the chalkboard 10 times in front of the whole class, I will, whatever, right?

05:00

I had to get up and recite my times tables in front of the class because I got them wrong on a test, right?

05:05

And again, that teacher, I have no idea what she thought she was doing, but what it instilled in me was if I get it wrong, if I fuck up on a test, I'm going to have to pay for it in front of everybody, so I better get it right.

05:23

And I used criticism and blame and judgment and fear and make myself study my times tables so that that wouldn't happen.

05:31

Did it work?

05:32

Yeah, it did.

05:34

I know my time stables, well, most of the time.

05:36

But what it also instilled in me is a fear of getting something wrong, a fear of messing up.

05:47

And so it is no wonder that as an adult, one of the feelings that I have is I can't be in trouble.

05:54

I can't be in trouble.

05:56

I don't want to be in trouble.

05:57

I don't want to get it wrong.

05:59

I want you to think back for just a second.

06:02

How were your mistakes, the things that you didn't get right, how were they handled?

06:09

What were the voices of the big people in your life around your mistakes when you didn't get something right?

06:16

If they were harsh, if they were judgmental, if they were critical, even wrapped in some kind of loving way.

06:25

Like, I remember oh my parents' disappointment, right?

06:28

The weight of my parents' disappointment.

06:31

They loved me.

06:32

And when I would make a mistake, they would pile it on.

06:37

We expect better from you.

06:38

Your siblings are watching you.

06:40

We expect you to set the good example.

06:43

You are the one that they're looking to.

06:46

Now, they did that from love.

06:48

I know that.

06:49

I could actually cry right now with the memory of sitting in their room when I was in trouble and just feeling the crushing weight of that disappointment.

07:04

So it is real.

07:06

And for each of you, when you think back to how your mistakes were handled, it was probably similar.

07:16

Because if you're of my generation or any generation that really wants their kids to perform and be good and get good grades and grab opportunities, there's always going to be well-meaning, loving parents who still used those methods to try and motivate us, right?

07:35

To try and help us do better.

07:37

And that becomes our inner critic.

07:40

The voices that we heard growing up become the voices that are trying in a completely unhelpful way to protect us.

07:53

So when you mess up, it is essential that the first thing that happens is that your hands go on your body in a loving, connected way.

08:05

I always go for my chest.

08:07

My hands go on top of my right under my chin in that area right above my sternum.

08:14

And I start to take some breaths.

08:18

And as I hear the air going in and out, as I feel it fill my lungs, I start to take care of those parts because I've got two going at once, right?

08:29

That's very normal.

08:30

I have the critic part that is like, what is the matter with you?

08:34

You knew what time this appointment was.

08:37

And then I have the part that is like, oh my gosh, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble, I'm in trouble, they're going to be mad at me, they're going to be disappointed in me and both of those parts need my help.

08:48

Now, who is the my in that sentence?

08:52

The my is the self.

08:56

This comes from the work of Internal Family Systems.

09:00

Each of us have a capital S, self.

09:04

It is the part of us that is compassionate, that is curious, these are all the Cs of the self, that is courageous, that can have curiosity, that is connected, that can be calm and confident and have a lot of clarity.

09:24

It's the us who is watching those two parts either freak out and feel shame and guilt.

09:32

The self can be really open-hearted and really present with those parts that are in such turmoil.

09:42

And in my self-energy, curiosity is, for me, one of the easiest to access.

09:50

So, let's imagine, and it's not hard to imagine because it happened earlier this week. I'm late to an appointment and I start to hear the voice, Why didn't you leave on time?

10:01

You knew this appointment was going to happen.

10:02

What is the matter with you?

10:03

Why do you?

10:04

And I notice first, like, oh, okay, yeah.

10:11

There's the critic.

10:13

And sometimes I call it the bully.

10:16

But what I know is that that part is actually trying to help.

10:20

And if I can take a step back and get into curiosity, then my hands can go on my chest and I can say, Hi, I can tell you are really upset.

10:37

And I speak to that part exactly as I would speak to someone who I loved very much, as I speak to one of my children, hopefully, not always, when they're upset.

10:48

Hey, hey, hey, I can tell this is really upsetting you.

10:52

I'm right here.

10:52

I'm listening.

10:54

Because that critic part is just operating under the mistaken, old programming that if I just beat you up enough, you will change this.

11:07

I am 51 years old.

11:08

I am still late to appointments.

11:10

It has not changed.

11:11

All it does is makes me feel terrible.

11:13

So my job in my self-energy is to have a conversation with this part that helps it understand that it's okay, that we are doing things different now, that I can listen to that part, that I can thank it for its effort, but that it needs to be reminded that I'm here, that I'm listening, and that we're not doing things that way anymore.

11:43

I know you're here to try and help me.

11:45

I know you're trying to prevent me from making this mistake again, but I don't need to be perfect to be worthy.

11:53

I am worthy and perfect.

11:54

You are worthy and perfect, just as you are.

11:58

What I do has nothing to do with my value.

12:03

And any of those sentences that really resonate with you, that make you feel kind of soft and gooey or make you feel like you're going to cry, those are the ones to repeat to that critic.

12:15

I know you're trying to help.

12:16

We are not doing that way anymore.

12:18

This makes me feel terrible.

12:19

And I know you don't like doing it this way.

12:23

That's one part that needs your attention.

12:27

The second part is the part that believes it's in trouble or the part that believes that making a mistake means you're bad.

12:40

That's the other part that in my self energy with compassion and curiosity and calm, I say to that part, I say this all the time, you're not in trouble.

12:55

You're not in trouble.

12:58

That could actually make me a little emotional sometimes because the feeling of being in trouble to a child is devastating.

13:06

They're going to be separated from the people that they love.

13:09

There's a possible punishment.

13:11

They're going to have to deal with the cascade of fear and shame and guilt and all of the feelings that come along.

13:18

And they're going to wonder if they're lovable.

13:20

And so when I say to myself, You are not in trouble, you are lovable.

13:27

You are safe with me.

13:30

You deserve to make a mistake and recover.

13:34

We're learning new ways of doing things.

13:36

It's okay.

13:37

I love you.

13:38

I'm here and I'm listening.

13:41

Those are the things that I imagine that little scared Sara needs to hear, because in the face of the critic, she feels like she's in trouble.

13:55

And she needs me, the adult who can access some curiosity and some compassion for her to be with her.

14:04

And I actually don't need to solve it.

14:09

Just by being with each of those parts, by reassuring the credit, Hey, I see that you're trying to help.

14:18

Thank you.

14:18

I know you're trying to bring this to my attention because you think it's gonna help me not do it again.

14:24

But remember, we're not doing it that way anymore.

14:27

I love you.

14:28

Thank you.

14:29

And then to the part that believes it's in trouble, you are not in trouble.

14:34

It's okay.

14:35

You deserve to make mistakes.

14:36

Everybody makes mistakes.

14:37

We're just part of everybody right now.

14:40

You're safe.

14:42

I'm going to take care of you.

14:44

Those are the two most important things that you can do before trying to do anything else, because if we let either of those parts jump into the driver's seat, that's when we tend to add more pain in the form of over-apologizing, trying to make up for it, self, you know, flatulating, you know, telling other people how terrible we are and how we made the most horrible mistake ever, and trying to get them to make us feel better, when the real key is that we, from our self-energy, can make those parts feel better, first and foremost.

15:32

The most important thing, it is not an exaggeration when I tell you that the way that I have learned to work with each of those two parts has been transformative.

15:46

The way that I was programmed to always be on the lookout for a mistake I might make, for someone I might disappoint, for something that I might not do right, has calmed tremendously as I have taken care of each of those parts.

16:04

Now, when I make a mistake, of course, I still have some of that chatter that comes up, but it doesn't take as long, and it doesn't last as long, it used to last days.

16:18

I'm sure many of you are familiar with that days long, multiple days long ruminating and beating yourself up and wishing you had said something different.

16:27

And why didn't I say that?

16:28

And why didn't I do that?

16:29

That used to happen, right?

16:31

That was a very real thing for me and was such a time and energy and brain space waste.

16:39

Just it sucked so much time and energy.

16:43

So learning to take care of those two parts and on your chest, breath in your lungs, repeating those sentences that those two parts need to settle exactly as you would talk to a little child that you love very much.

17:02

Your child, a little, you know, bringing to mind one of a picture of you when you were little.

17:07

I have pictures of little me on my desk for this very reason.

17:12

is such an essential life-changing practice because when we can take care of those parts, then we can separate ourselves from the mistake.

17:27

People pleasers often conflate their self-worth with their actions, but it is the self, that wise adult who knows like, hey, that's okay.

17:40

Everyone makes mistakes.

17:41

You are not your mistakes.

17:43

You deserve to make a mistake and recover.

17:45

We're learning.

17:46

Everyone makes mistakes.

17:48

It's okay.

17:49

Who can help get some separation from conflating self-worth with actions?

17:56

The other thing is that it allows you to repair without that over-apologizing, right?

18:02

People pleasers tend to over-apologize, which doesn't feel good.

18:07

It undermines sometimes our self-respect and sometimes the sincerity of our apology with the other person because we just keep going on and on and on and on because we're trying to get them to make us feel better.

18:19

We can apologize with a couple of sentences.

18:23

When I mess up with other people, here are some of the go-to things I say.

18:28

I messed up and I'm really sorry about that.

18:31

I dropped the ball.

18:32

What can I do to make it better?

18:35

What I said hurt your feelings.

18:37

And I'm really sorry.

18:40

I have information now that would have helped me make a different choice.

18:44

And I'm really sorry that that's what I chose.

18:47

And that's it, because it's not about me as a person.

18:52

It's about the perspective that I had at the time, the information that I had at the time, the limitations that I had at the time that I wasn't aware of, which is just being human.

19:05

It allows us to also bring that self energy in more often to be truly compassionate with ourselves and to teach that critic that compassion is the new way we are doing things.

19:23

We're definitely correcting, right?

19:25

This is where so many people think, well, you know, that just means you're saying it's all okay, right?

19:29

It just means that, you know, you're not going to try it.

19:32

No, it doesn't mean any of that.

19:34

What it means is you can correct from self-compassion just like you can correct from self-criticism.

19:41

And one of them feels a hell of a lot better.

19:46

So it allows us to start to form a new neural pathway of self-correction from compassion.

19:56

Because somewhere in our little minds, right, our little child minds, I mean, we got the idea that being perfect would make us loved.

20:05

So many of us did.

20:06

If I just do it right, then I'll be loved.

20:09

And it allows for our adult mature brain to create a different way of thinking about our mistakes.

20:18

I was listening to a podcast episode the other day.

20:21

I'll link to it in the show notes.

20:22

I think it was a diary of a CEO.

20:25

I'm not entirely sure, I'll link it.

20:27

And the person who was on the podcast, asked four questions that I really loved.

20:32

And these apply to when we mess up as well, because for some people, it's going to be a lot easier to just ask these questions and do a little bit of a turnaround, either instead of taking care of the parts, if that just feels too hard for you, or just there's like not enough information there, or if this just feels easier.

20:52

So I want to offer you these questions and I'll link to the source in the show notes.

20:56

Question number one.

20:57

What am I believing about this mistake?

21:02

Just ask yourself, when you mess up, when you don't go to the gym on this day you said you would, when you don't save the amount of money in your savings account that you said you would, what am I believing about this mistake?

21:15

Now, from personal experience, I can say, when I don't go to the gym, I used to believe, well, it means I'm not serious, it means I'm not going to make it, it means I'm not going to actually change.

21:26

It means that I'm fucked right?

21:28

If I didn't get to the gym today, it means all of these terrible things about me.

21:34

Question number two, how am I reinforcing that belief?

21:38

What am I telling myself?

21:40

Now, this is where the critic comes in, because the critic is reinforcing that belief.

21:44

You never go to the gym.

21:45

You always say you're going to go.

21:47

You always break your word to yourself.

21:48

So how am I reinforcing that belief?

21:50

Interesting.

21:52

And again, these questions are what help you get a little bit of distance.

21:56

Question number three, what would I prefer to believe?

22:00

I would prefer to believe that not going to the gym today does not make me a terrible person.

22:05

It makes me someone who didn't go to the gym today, but who can go tomorrow.

22:09

And question number four, what do I have to do to reinforce that belief?

22:15

What I have to do to reinforce that belief is actively remind myself, you know what, I'm a person who didn't go to the gym today, who can go tomorrow.

22:24

I can always go tomorrow.

22:25

I can always just start tomorrow.

22:27

I want to believe that I'm good.

22:29

I want to believe that I am valuable and worthy and that I'm capable of change.

22:35

So whether it's working with your parts or asking these four questions, my hope for each of us this year is that we correct from self-compassion and that we leave the self-criticism behind because my friends, if it was going to work to criticize and judge and berate yourself, wouldn't it have already worked?

23:02

Wouldn't it have already worked?

23:04

It hasn't, because it doesn't work.

23:08

It doesn't work.

23:09

But what I can tell you, if I can testify to anything, it's that self-compassion is a more powerful fuel for change than self-criticism, because it feels a hell of a lot better.

23:23

It feels so good to put my hands on my chest and say, You are not in trouble.

23:29

You are good.

23:32

You get to make mistakes.

23:35

It's okay.

23:36

We're still learning.

23:38

So, if anything that I've said in this podcast resonates with you, write it down.

23:45

Put it on a little sticky note somewhere, just one sentence because that's what we're gonna do this year.

23:51

One sentence at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.

23:56

We're gonna learn to take care of ourselves in a new way.

24:00

See you next week.