Episode 97 - Stop People Pleasing: Current Members Share!

I want every woman to have the ability to create a life of her choosing, filled with the freedom to embrace her desires. I’ve worked hard to create a program that helps women achieve this, but the real magic of my Stop People Pleasing program comes from the women themselves who are willing to take risks, expand their capacity for feeling uncomfortable, and develop the skills needed to live authentically without the weight of constantly pleasing others. In this episode, I’m so grateful to be joined by four amazing women from my program–Allyssya, Sara, Stephanie, and Susan–who share their journeys with people pleasing. You'll hear about the changes they have made in their daily lives and in how they see themselves. Here’s what we cover: 

• How a group program provides encouragement from other women on the same path 
• Why trust in yourself is crucial to turn your focus to your own desires
• How people pleasing has a cost, and you often pay for it with your peace and happiness
• Examples of which areas in life people-pleasing tendencies are most common
• Why coaching provides you with the freedom to implement what you've learned whenever the time is right for you
•  How to start living a life you created instead of living a life someone chose for you when you stop people pleasing

I can't wait for you to listen!

Find Sara here:
https://sarafisk.coach
https://pages.sarafisk.coach/difficultconversations
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https://www.facebook.com/SaraFiskCoaching/
https://www.tiktok.com/@sarafiskcoach
https://www.youtube.com/@sarafiskcoaching1333

What happens inside the free Stop People Pleasing Facebook Community? Our goal is to provide help and guidance on your journey to eliminate people pleasing and perfectionism from your life. We heal best in a safe community where we can grow and learn together and celebrate and encourage each other. This group is for posting questions about or experiences with material learned in The Ex-Good Girl podcast, Sara Fisk Coaching social media posts or the free webinars and trainings provided by Sara Fisk Coaching. See you inside!
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Transcript

00:00:00

Sara Bybee Fisk: You are listening to the X Good Girl podcast, episode 97. When I tell you that I have some of my favorite people on the podcast today, that is the absolute truth because they are some of the current clients of Stop People Pleasing. And as we have gotten to know each other and our stories and what brought us to this work of learning how to not people please, They're just the best people.

00:00:24

You're going to love hearing from each of them. And I want each of them to give a little introduction. So Sara, can we start with you? And then Allyssya, then Stephanie, and then Susan. 

00:00:35

Sara: Hey, awesome. So I'm Sara, I'm a mom of two young kids in Coquitlam, BC. I am working on my people pleasing and so excited to share about what I've learned with Sara and, um, yeah, my journey through all of this.

00:00:53 

Allyssya: My name is Allyssya and I am a life coach and an educator and I have been working with Sara for almost two years now and this is my second round of Stop People Pleasing and just getting more and more out of it each time. 

00:01:11 

Stephanie: So I'm Stephanie and I've known Sara for a long time. I started listening to her podcast and I didn't identify as a people pleaser right off the bat because I just didn't, I didn't, I didn't identify with some of the things, but eventually I did. I came to the conclusion that I'm just not even living my own life. I'm living somebody else's life, everybody else's life. And so that's when I realized, you know, I'm not pleasing myself at all. And so I am pleasing everyone else. And so the biggest thing that I'm working on that her coaching has helped me with is just the awareness.

00:01:50 

I have one adult daughter. I have a career that's very important to me. And so it's just helping me with all of those things. 

00:01:58

Sara Bybee Fisk: Susan, your turn. 

00:02:01 

Susan: Okay, so I was trying to remember, Sara, how I found your podcast, but I know I've been following you since July 2023. And the first time I listened to one session, it just clicked.

00:02:20 

Your advice just hit home. It was clear, concise, And I have been just shouting at everybody about the podcast since then. So I was so grateful when I got involved in coaching. Also, um, I'm retired. I have two adult daughters in their late thirties. I live alone. I've been working on myself my whole life and I don't know if it's perfect timing or this.

00:02:54 

I mean, I always. Get something from your podcast or these sessions and I'm super grateful 

00:03:04 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thank you each of you for not just introducing yourselves, but being here and my first question for you. How did you know that people pleasing was a problem in your life? 

00:03:18 

Sara: Yeah, I, it's funny. I only realized recently that I've been a people pleaser, but also my whole life.

00:03:25 

So it's been an interesting discovery. Just realizing kind of got to a tipping point of, of how I was doing so much to benefit others instead of like putting myself first and, you know, I just couldn't. Realize I got to a point where I just couldn't put my wants and needs aside anymore. And I, I really wanted to live a more authentic life and, and be more true to myself.

00:03:50 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Did it feel, Sara, like it came up in like one moment? You're like, Oh my gosh, that's what this is. Or could you see it in like more of a pattern? 

00:04:01 

Sara: Yeah, mine was kind of one of those like catalyst situations of, I had a surgery in the summer and went through a lot of mental and physical challenges and it, I dunno, they kind of call it like the dark storm of the night.

00:04:15 

I don't know. Just everything kind of came together and I real kind of reevaluated everything in my life, what I wanted to do, my relationships, and then. I didn't even know people pleasing was, like, a term and a topic you could focus on. So when I discovered a whole podcast was dedicated to it, I, like, deep dove into it and realized, like, oh my gosh, this is, like, me and what I've been doing my whole life and hearing that there's ways to, like, To kind of, not get out of it, but help yourself be more authentic to you is, yeah, really exciting because, you know, it's not a fun place to be in when you're living your life as a people pleaser, so yeah.

00:04:54 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Susan! 

00:04:59 

Susan: So, I would have never, ever described me as a people pleaser. I am the thorn in your side and the disrupter, but like I said before, I've been picking on myself my whole life. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Why can't you get in line and stay in line? And I realized that I was I was people pleasing in like a backwards way, just trying to, what should I do?

00:05:31 

What should I say? So that people will like me and my true friends like me without all that nonsense. So I just, I realized that I could peel off all these people and change my behavior. That was what I wanted to do was. let go of things that were not serving me. So yeah, I didn't ever, I would have never called myself a people pleaser.

00:06:00 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. That's so interesting, Susan, because there's a lot of women who I talked to and they are maybe, How you identified like very strong, very, they don't need anybody's help. They can do it all. And they're the people that are counted on the people that come through for everyone else. And, and that's another side of this people pleasing is not needing help, not, not, you know, accepting that you are a person who could benefit from a community or, or help.

00:06:31 

And then the second thing that you said that's so common is just, being, you know, like maybe strong on the outside, but on the inside, just really, really mean and hard on yourself. 

00:06:42 

Susan: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can't even count how many times. I'd be like, well, when's it my turn? Why don't people come to me? Yeah. So yeah.

00:06:55 

Guilty. 

00:06:56 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. Thank you. We all are. Thank you, Susan. Allyssya. 

00:07:02 

Allyssya: So I was familiar with the term people pleaser, but I always thought the only definition for that was the person who was always saying yes to everything. And that was not me. So I thought, well, there's no way I'm a people pleaser.

00:07:14 

Turns out I'm a big time people pleaser, but in other ways. And I. Realized that I was just kind of going through life with a lot of pent up anger and resentment toward people because I was going out of my way to accommodate them and to be very thoughtful of them and all those things. And I was irritated that they were not doing the same in return.

00:07:36 

And I defer a lot of decisions to a lot of people and don't make decisions for myself and speak up when I want something. So that's what people policing looks like for me. 

00:07:50 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. So for each of you, are there common scenarios when you would people please, Allyssya, you just mentioned like doing something for someone else and kind of waiting for them to reciprocate and kind of perpetually wondering when you would get your turn.

00:08:05 

So were there common scenarios that would come up for you, Stephanie, and then Sara. 

00:08:12 

Stephanie: So probably the most common scenario for me was at work. In my career. So Susan touched on a little bit how she's kind of a thorn in the side for, you know, she's a disruptor. And I think people are so complex because we have different areas of our life and different areas of our personality.

00:08:33 

I'm great at advocating for other people. I do a lot in the community and, you know, advocate for people and protect them. But I wasn't doing any of that for myself. And especially at work, I found myself. When I was around somebody with authority or somebody that I thought was better than me or smarter than me, I would shrink down real small and, um, just kind of placate them if I thought that that's what they wanted.

00:09:02 

I was, I would, I would do that no problem. And I would just discount myself and my work and my ideas. And it happened in a lot of areas of my life, but for sure the biggest area was work. And so I ended up, especially in my career, around people who wanted to boss me around. And take credit for my ideas and, or just shut me down.

00:09:25 

And I would say, okay. And I just put shrink down real small. I didn't even notice it as I was doing your program specifically. I noticed it in a meeting one day. Yeah. 

00:09:36 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. That, that awareness moment where you're like, Oh my gosh, this is it right here. I'm doing it right now. That is, it's a double edged sword, right?

00:09:46 

Because it feels painful to recognize behavior that you know doesn't benefit you, it doesn't serve you, but that's the only way that something can change or something can be done about it. So thank you for putting that into words, Stephanie. Sara? 

00:10:01 

Sara: Yeah, so for myself, I, I really found It, when I was kind of reflecting, was kind of in my relationships, if there was any, like, disagreements of something, or not being on the same page, that I'd want to avoid further conflict, or not want to upset people.

00:10:19 

And in the end, I would kind of hold back my true thoughts or feelings, especially if the person, like, seemed overwhelmed or defensive. So sometimes it just seemed easier to just agree to disagree, or kind of answer it in my head, but not, like, out loud. 

00:10:35 

Sara Bybee Fisk: That is a big one. One of the things that I talk a lot about with women is the cost of their people pleasing.

00:10:43 

It's something we're just not aware of because it just It starts when we're young. It's how we're all raised. We develop these habits of looking for what people want from us, wanting to be rewarded, uh, not wanting to get in trouble. And so we kind of, you know, do all of our behaving to be close to people, be safe with people, make friends, make connections.

00:11:05 

And then we just grow up with. More people to please all of those habits and patterns kind of just become part of the wallpaper and as we become aware of the cost of our people pleasing sometimes it's staggering I mean not only is it the hours that we spend worrying and ruminating and feeling guilty and feeling small but it's the life that we're also not creating so we there's always that cost but have any of you seen like specifically how people pleasing has cost you.

00:11:38 

Sara: I realized it was costing me a lot of stress and anxiety, especially when I became aware that that's what was happening. Like, I couldn't figure out where it was coming from, and then you start to realize, Oh, that this is people pleasing, and then this is how I'm involved, and it's not, it's costing me more than them.

00:11:56 

So, I found in that way, and, and also making me kind of, Indecision making would be hard, especially with ADHD. It's already hard enough. So making the second guess myself, like, am I making this decision for someone else or for me? So, um, that's a big part too in what I found. 

00:12:14 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Sara.

00:12:17 

Anyone else just recognize? Yeah. Stephanie. 

00:12:21 

Stephanie: So I don't know if I'm using the word cost the same way, but what it was costing me when I was giving up was almost everything. It was, I was, it was costing me my happiness. It was costing my daughter knowing my true self. It was costing the world to know the real me.

00:12:43 

So whatever creator created me or whatever stardust I made up or whatever you call it, I, it was so suppressed. So, the world was missing out on who I really was and I was missing out on who I was. I just, I wasn't there. I didn't have the life I wanted. Again, it's like I was living somebody else's life. It just wasn't me.

00:13:03 

So, giving up all of that was, seemed like a lot. It was virtually everything in life. I was giving all of that up to just follow the rules, follow the lines, do whatever people expected, what I thought they expected. I was giving up all my choices. 

00:13:21 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Oh my gosh, that's true. It is so true. And we're always giving up having choices, having options, but the bigger thing, Stephanie, and because I know you, and because you're just such a wonderful human, there's a Martha Graham quote that is coming to mind.

00:13:35 

She's a dancer. And she basically, I'm going to not get this perfectly right, but basically the idea is You are a unique person with a unique gift and a unique life to live. And if you don't live that no one else will, it will just forever be a life that wasn't lived a gift that wasn't expressed in the world because no one else can do it the way you can do it.

00:13:59 

And when we are so tied up. And what other people think of us and what we have to do to please, you're right. We don't end up pleasing ourselves and creating that life. And that's just the thing. That's what motivates me. And it's the thing that I think is truly tragic. Yes. There's all of the hours that you spend ruminating and replaying events.

00:14:19 

And did he mean that? And was I too loud? And did I offend her? And I should, I have said that like second guessing and self doubting, but then all of that time is not creating that really one unique. You and your life in the world and your effect on this world. 

00:14:36 

Stephanie: Yeah, and I think that again, like I deserve to experience my true self and so do the people I love, the people around me, the people in my family, the people in my community, and my colleagues and my clients.

00:14:50 

They really deserve the real me and they're not getting her at all. And they deserve that just as much as I do. 

00:14:56 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. Thank you, Stephanie. Susan. 

00:14:58 

Susan: So I absolutely echo what Stephanie just said. I'm 69 years old and what I want to add to that is that I went through a really dark period of grieving when I realized That I had chosen or not chosen, but lost so much.

00:15:28 

I'm like, man, where'd my life go? And how much more do I have to live it? And I'm not wasting one more second. It was a visceral grief for my own life, my own unique self. So it's worth working on yourself for sure. Thank you. 

00:15:52 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. And Susan, that grief is real and I think it's meant to be there because Like Stephanie said, however we got here, Stardust or, or, or, you know, whatever your belief about how this started, I think that creative force puts in us a desire to be us and the grief when we're not.

00:16:16 

Susan: Yeah, I agree. Totally. And the gift that I'm getting almost daily now is that. The people that want to be in my world versus who I, I thought I wanted, they're coming up and they're just, it's just such a more delightful experience. I think when you can be your authentic self, it gives people on an unconscious level permission for them to do it too.

00:16:50 

Absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you, Susan. 

00:16:53 

Sara Bybee Fisk: You're welcome. Okay. What made you want to join Stop People Pleasing? Yeah, Sara. 

00:17:03 

Sara: Um, so, yeah, kind of, as I mentioned, um, I was going through a really challenging time this summer with burnout after a surgery, and I think it was a cosmic reason why everything happened at once, which I now, um, Believe in all of that, but, you know, with everything that I went through, like physically, mentally, it really forced me to slow down, um, reflect on everything.

00:17:28 

So things like my relationship with like my friends, uh, my family, um, my partner, kids, and just emotions that had built up and, and kind of reached a tipping point. So I know for some people it would gradually happen. For me, it just felt like an all in one realization and, um, I just had, yeah, all this kind of resentment, anxiety, stress, like, all at once.

00:17:51 

And, and I kind of realized the root of, of the problem was the people pleasing, which I'm kind of that person trying to always find the why. And once I discovered it, I was like, oh my gosh, this makes so much sense. So, um, I actually discovered you on, uh, a podcast for, for ADHD that I follow and I'm always wanting to learn so much more.

00:18:12 

And once I heard yours, I was like, okay, this is me. And this is me to a T and I tend to deep dive. So I deep dove into all your episodes and lots of times through tears, realizing everything you're saying was resonating so much with me. And, and then when I discovered, you know, there is a program to join.

00:18:32 

Like learn more about it. Like it just seemed, it seems so specific, but it's something that we all do that. It it's something that you can really dive into that. I knew it's something I needed to figure out a way to do to kind of help myself and, and my relationships with everyone else. And, um, yeah, it's been amazing doing it so far.

00:18:55

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thanks, Sara. Allyssya. 

00:18:57 

Allyssya: Like Sara, I discovered you on someone else's podcast. I was in the beginning stages of starting my coaching business and so I was listening to that and I heard you talk about people pleasing and I was like, yes, I need to know more about that because I don't want to take it personally when clients say no.

00:19:19 

So that was my initial reason for, uh, looking more into you. And so I got on your website and like, Sara also did a deep dive and I remember when I was filling out. Like the get more information form, one of the questions you ask. I don't remember what the question was, but I remember writing, I have no idea if the things that I have always wanted are because I actually want them, or because somebody else told me that I should want them.

00:19:51 

And it was that moment where I began to think This people pleasing thing had permeated my entire life. And then the more we talked and I went through the program the first time I was like, oh, my goodness, like, this is so much bigger than I don't want to take rejection personally from coaching clients.

00:20:08 

I mean, I don't want to take rejection personally from anyone and I, I want to make decisions because I want to do the thing or don't want to do the thing or, um, can speak up for how I want something to look. It's just been truly life changing, and I'm noticing this second round, I'm able to implement skills even more, and I'm able to speak up even more, and so the more I do it, the better it gets.

00:20:41 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Oh, what you say, my goodness, it's one of the reasons, I mean, I just love everything you're saying, because not only is it just such a common experience of like, wait, Do I want this for me did I choose this for me or did I choose it because someone else wanted it for me because in the beginning when you're little like you just do the things other people choose for you but when that just becomes the pattern I totally resonate and I'm sure other people do too with this idea of like wait what is really me what is really me and not knowing that answer.

00:21:15 

And having to do the work, which is why we have a module inside of stop people pleasing called how to want how to want, because wanting things is there's so much messaging for good girls like you can't want too much, but also you're supposed to speak up and ask for what you want. Right? It's just we're so many rock and hard place situations like.

00:21:36 

Speak up and ask for what you want, but do it nicely. Don't be too mean and don't demand too much. Don't be selfish, but also tell us what you want. But then how can you do that? If you don't really know what you want, it is really an essential skill. And for those of us who You know, grow up, socialize as women who are maybe moms or who have to be the good daughter and caretake our parents emotions or our boss's emotions.

00:21:59 

It's really hard to know who am I and what do I want. So I love that you spoke to that, Allyssya. Did any of you have any doubts about joining the program? Sara? 

00:22:10 

Sara: So I didn't have any doubts on if it would be, like, valuable or if I would learn anything. I mostly had kind of, like, Doubts on like how it would go testing these things out with the people in my family or friends and relationships that was kind of, I think I knew that that would kind of be the harder part was actually like doing the work of what I've learned and, and dealing with the uncomfortable feelings that I knew were good, uncomfortable feelings that I just needed to kind of practice.

00:22:44 

Sara Bybee Fisk: And how do you feel like that has gone for you? 

00:22:47 

Sara: Yeah, no, I feel like it is kind of, it's practice when you're actually doing it. You're not pretending to, to do it, but I think the more that I've done it and the more that the people in my life and have gotten used to kind of this side of me, that they now, it's, it's, it's, You find out kind of who accepts this version of you and who might not like this version of you and you kind of find like who your people are and yeah.

00:23:13 

Cause we all deserve to kind of be able to, to stand up for ourselves and what we want. So, yeah. 

00:23:20 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah, you're speaking about just such an interesting dynamic because I think we have to admit that there are people who benefit from our people pleasing who don't like it when we stop. 

00:23:31 

Sara: Yeah. 

00:23:31 

Sara Bybee Fisk: And learning how to do that in a way that feels safe and doable is one of the things we focus on by starting with less risky situations and relationships first where you maybe have more safety and comfort.

00:23:48 

And. Working up from there because you're right. That's a dynamic that exists. 

00:23:54 

Sara: Yeah. So I know like at first you're, I'm practicing on like returning something and they're saying no, and you're like, uh, no, I I'm allowed to ask for this to then, yeah, bigger relationships like with my husband and friends. And, um, yeah, it's been eyeopening in a good way to kind of, um, yeah, see how relationships progress from this.

00:24:15 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. And then the flip side of that is that it is so nice to be in a relationship with someone who you know is going to tell you the truth. This is probably a whole podcast episode I need to do of like what it's like to be in a relationship with a people pleaser, because You know, when you're the one who's always deferring, always accommodating, saying, no, it's fine, like, no, no, no, we'll go wherever you want to go to eat.

00:24:41 

I think one of the reasons that that is hard for other people is they never know, like, is this the real Sara? Is this her real opinion? Is this what she really thinks? And so when you can be in a relationship authentically, there's so much trust there. 

00:24:56 

Sara: Yeah. And also it's also how you communicate it and like, you know, if you're being aggressive and in your style of, yeah, communicating helps too.

00:25:05 

So there's ways of communicating your wants and needs without feeling like you're deciding for everyone's. Yeah, 

00:25:12 

Sara Bybee Fisk: absolutely. Who wanted to go next? Oh, Susan having doubts. Yeah. What doubts did you have Susan about joining? 

00:25:18 

Susan: I did not have one doubt. I was so excited when I saw that I got to be a part of this and I have enjoyed every second.

00:25:29 

I do want to say Kind of chime in on the relationship part. I was in a relationship for nine years with this man that I absolutely adored. And we had such a great relationship and it was also horrible. And looking back, I still think, I mean, if he walked back into my life right now, I'd be like, I'm, I changed or whatever, you know, but.

00:26:02

I think a lot of it was because I was always second guessing myself and always trying to pretzel into something that I was not. And I think that it's so sad that people like what Stephanie was even saying at the beginning, people want to be with real people, you know? So, um, yeah, I had no doubt. I've just learned so much and.

00:26:33 

I wanted to also do this because I wanted to learn some skills so I could be a better mom because I feel like I'm still working on that. I, I have a lot of grief about the way I raised my daughters and I'm, I'm seeing them struggling right now. And I'm like, no. Do this, you know, so yeah, it's a, it's a beautiful program, Sara.

00:26:57 

A hundred percent. Thank you. Thank you, Susan. 

00:27:01 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Sometimes there are women who are unsure of what it's going to be like to work through this with other women. Did that come up for any of you, or can any of you speak to what it's like to actually be in the community of women of the Stop People Pleasing group?

00:27:20 

Sara. Yeah. 

00:27:21 

Sara: I, I know sometimes it can be intimidating being with women and from, we're from different parts of countries and ages and backgrounds, but I think we're all here to, to get help for each other. And we all want to help each other. So I think that was kind of, Uh, part that I didn't realize would be kind of a cherry on top kind of thing that we get excited when we come back on and share like our wins of the week and what people are working on.

00:27:50 

And so everyone's really supportive. And I find that a lot of times, even if we haven't had exact situations, we can always resonate with what people are going through. 

00:28:00 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thank you, Sara. One other kind of fear that I hear women express is that they are convinced that they are somehow extra special, super broken, and that it's not going to work for them.

00:28:14 

Like someone else. Yes, someone else can learn to stop doing this, but I'm either too old, too broken. I've been doing this for too long. I don't know how I'm going to do it. And like the belief is there something like really. Extra special. Super wrong with me. Did that come up for any of you? And what have you learned about that, Stephanie?

00:28:36 

Stephanie: So I can definitely speak to that because I was one of those people, maybe we're all that person. I don't know. But I really did feel that way, and I can say I really, this is how I really feel. I think that Sara, you have found the secret sauce. So for anybody who's been through therapy, a coaching. And coaching and all the things their whole life.

00:28:58 

This program has been the most effective for me. I think it's the tools that you have put together, the research that you've done, and then also the way that you deliver it. You create this space that's, you know, a community and it's very safe and it's very, um, it's just the way that you deliver the program.

00:29:21 

And so if you had all this advice, I don't think that anybody has this- These exact tools and all the things that you're doing. I can tell all the research you've put into it and then that you've carried it out through your own life, so you're able to tell us the pitfalls to look out for and coach us through that and how we're going to feel and how to keep going because you've done it, but beyond that, I think that just this, the community and the space that you've created where we can actually calm down a minute and hear the advice, hear the coaching, so much.

00:29:55 

And taken on, you're just such a trustworthy. person, a coach. So you have unlocked something just really magical and it's just different than anything else I've ever done. And I know that there are going to be people, there are going to be women hearing this and thinking, yeah, but it's not going to work for me.

00:30:16 

Or I'm just like you said, like extra broken and extra like, it's just, I can't. And, and this is different. This has helped me in just a whole new way. 

00:30:26 

Sara Bybee Fisk: That makes me so happy to hear this. Really, really grateful. And part of why it works is because women like you show up to participate and take some risks right to to be willing to expand your capacity to feel uncomfortable.

00:30:43 

And so that's that's a huge part of it. Susan.

00:30:47 

Susan: You wanted to add something. I just wanted to add, Stephanie, you're saying everything I want to say, but anyways, um, I think it's really was important for me, not that I thought about it, but that you are taking us through this with, we are with you, you are with us.

00:31:09 

It's like you're sharing experiences and I've done so many things, different things that you've shared. I don't feel that support, that human support, you know, they're like, do XYZ and you'll feel better. And I don't know anything about the other person. And so I think that that's a big asset to your program is that you're, you're with us.

00:31:38 

So thank you. 

00:31:40 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thanks, Susan. So I am, I mean, so grateful to hear how this is working for you. And certainly I have done a lot to try and make Stop People Pleasing as high quality as possible, as high touch as possible in terms of being with you through this, because this is the journey that I had. And it's the, it's really what I want for all women to just have a life of their own choosing full of all the choices that they want.

00:32:07 

But that would not happen if it was just me in a program sitting in a corner, right? So it's magic because you show up and you take risks and you learn skills and you try them out in your lives and you learn things about yourselves and you expand your capacity for feeling uncomfortable. So what have been some differences in your just day to day life that you have created?

00:32:31 Because of what you've learned, Stephanie?

00:32:35 

Stephanie: So something that I think is really pivotal in your program that has been different for me. One of the biggest things is that I've learned to listen to myself. I, I really didn't realize I wasn't listening to myself and I didn't connect to myself and I, like, I know my favorite color and I know my favorite band.

00:32:57 

But, like, to stop and listen to myself. That I have something to say. I have preferences, and to stop going to outside sources for validation and for their opinion. If, you know, there are times when I want somebody's input, but I don't need that all the time. What, what do I have to say? And so just stopping to listen to myself, I've never done that.

00:33:24 

And so the coaching group has really taught me to do that. To just stop, listen to myself, and listen for what I really want. And then to trust myself to make my own decisions. I don't have to go to everybody else. I can make a decision, I can stop and calmly listen to myself. Listen for what I want, listen to how I feel.

00:33:48 

And then make a decision and not go, Well, let me just ask my best friend what she did. Well, let me ask my daughter. Let me ask my boss, is this the right decision? Well, I've made a decision, and I'm gonna stick with it. I know what I want, I can listen to myself. There's no problem here. I've just never done that in my whole life.

00:34:06 

And I think, secondly, I've just learned a lot of like, why I do things. Just, just finding out what I'm doing, and then why I'm doing it, seeing how it plays out in my life, and that enables me to change it. It just, it's almost like a line, that you just, you connect the dots. And nothing's ever been connected for me.

00:34:29 

You know, you can always go back to your childhood, or you always know, you know, kind of how the patriarch set things up for all of us women. That's it. And we all know all about that, but what does it actually mean, and how do we, how do we change? How do we use that information to change and, and find, like, true happiness?

00:34:47 

So those things, and then, and then this is kind of related to the prior question of just overall, I have to say, you know, having the group, when we are so similar, we are different ages, we're in different states, we're in different, you know, points in our lives, we're all so different, but there's so many things we have in common, it's unbelievable to change thoughts.

00:35:09 

The same challenges, so when you're coaching somebody in the group, I, I think almost all of us can relate to the same thing, so it's almost like you're coaching all of us at the same time, whether you're coaching me or you're coaching, you know, somebody else. We can all take something from it. It's really remarkable that I have to say.

00:35:26 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. It's really one of my favorite things about group coaching is that you can get coached directly and indirectly all the time. Thanks for bringing that up, Stephanie, Allyssya, and then Sara. 

00:35:39 

Allyssya: So the first round for me, one of the skills that I implemented right away, and this was especially with new people in my life, was when I wanted to speak up for something on a scale of one to ten, like one being the sugary, sweetest, nicest possible way I could say it, and ten being the rudest.

00:35:58 

And we worked on finding that sweet spot of expressing what I wanted to say and my desires in the most direct possible way that felt comfortable for me. And I have noticed it's getting more and more direct and less sugary sweet and beet around the bush as I'm in the second round of this. Uh, something that has really happened significantly in this second round is listening to my body and realizing how the sensations in my body have so much valuable information and getting out of my head and all of that ruminating and second guessing and what will everyone think and all of that and really really listening to my body and I am seeing significant changes in my life as a result of that and I think that all of that kind of started in this people pleasing class where I learned how to take up space in the class.

00:37:01 

Like, as a student, I am typically the quiet, let everybody else talk, don't take up space, don't ask questions, don't celebrate, whatever the case may be. And so that was one of the interesting things that I was not expecting is that just participating in the class and learning how to take up space in the sessions, that started shifting into my life and taking up space.

00:37:30 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Allyssya, thank you. And as I have watched you take up more and more and more space, the things that you're like going after are bigger and the ways that you are showing up are more you and just a just a bigger version of you. And that's what happens is when we become who we really are. And we can share that with the world.

00:37:54 

There is a joy in it and there is a just a satisfaction and there's like an owning of this is my space. I get to take up space. I'm valuable. What I have to say matters. So I love that. Sara. 

00:38:09 

Sara: Um, for myself, a big thing for me was getting used to being okay. Disappointing people by the choices I'm making or boundaries.

00:38:20 

You know, I'm setting, um, I know with kids, that's usually an easier one to deal with, but when you're having to do that with your partner or family or friends, um, it can be challenging, especially when I'm a yes person, always wanting to help everyone. Um, and for me, my biggest kind of hurdle was getting used to saying no, especially, you know, when I already know that the person won't want that answer or be happy with me saying no.

00:38:47 

And also, you know, you taught us that, like, we don't You know, have to always explain why, and I feel like I can be an over explainer to justify my no, and to have someone understand why I'm saying no, and so that's been something getting used to my body too, being okay with that feeling that I don't need to feel uncomfortable, like I'm happy with, you know, this decision and reasoning, and that's really all that, that matters, um, at first I'd have to kind of prepare for their response, but now I'm better at just It's saying it and being okay with it.

00:39:21 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. That is, and Sara, that's such a big deal because think of how many things we don't say because we're afraid of what the response will be. And what you just described is a beautiful example of like how our capacity to feel uncomfortable really expands. And yes. Thanks. I am always honest about the fact that not people pleasing is highly uncomfortable.

00:39:43 

And the first time we say, no, I'm not interested in doing that, or no, I, you know, I'm not going to be able to take that on. Or we share an opinion that we think people are going to like, we feel like we might die sometimes, but then the next time it's a little easier and the next time it's a little easier.

00:39:58 

And so that's just a really beautiful process that you described, Sara. What have some of your favorite either moments? Or skills been that you have either had or learned inside of Stop People Pleasing? Yeah, Sara. 

00:40:14 

Sara: It's actually been something that we've just been working on with the inner child work, because it's something that I already was kind of dabbling into before.

00:40:23 

So it's always fun when things kind of align with what you're kind of doing on your own and what We're doing in the program, but yeah, getting more in touch with that person. I know for some people, it can feel weird at first thinking there's an inner child inside you, but I find it can be helpful and comforting in situations and knowing that I can help kind of calm myself.

00:40:48 

By kind of talking to that person and, and using that person in situations where I might need that calming too. So, can't remember if it was in yours or somewhere else, but kind of like the only person that you can kind of. Depend on or is yourself. So that was kind of a big thing that we've learned and are working on, which has been, um, really fun to do.

00:41:11 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Yeah. Thank you, Sara. Thank you. Stephanie. And then Susan. 

00:41:15 

Stephanie: So instead of bringing up one of the topics or ideals that we've covered, I just really want to say one of my favorite things is all of the women. It's really enriching to be in a coaching group with women who are committed to transforming and finding happiness and offering themselves so generously.

00:41:38 

We just talk like I tell the group things about myself that I don't tell a lot of people. And so I, I have to say, I, I love seeing all the ladies and getting to know them. I really enjoy that. That was a surprise for me. 

00:41:53 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thanks, Stephanie. I love that. Susan. 

00:41:55 

Susan: One of the things that I've been noticing is I'm really understanding the concept of acceptance.

00:42:08 

And I feel like the more I am accepting myself and deciding what I don't want to accept, I am really, it's, it's going, rippling out into my relationships so that I can say, I mean, the nomenclature that we're learning, the, I love the word capacity. I'm like, Oh, they don't have the capacity to give it. So, That's good.

00:42:38 

I accept it now. So the nomenclatures really helped me and, uh, discovering the different, how the definitions are playing out in my life. It just is bringing me a lot more peace and hope because I'm like, okay, if you see me as real, then I'm going to honor you and see you. As real and not try to force you into somebody that I want you to be.

00:43:07 

I also feel like I feel very comfortable with this community and I'm very grateful for that. Very, very grateful. Thank you. Thank you, 

00:43:18 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Susan. We're grateful for you. What would you tell someone who is thinking about joining there? 

00:43:27 

Sara: Um, I would tell them that if they're having any you know, hesitations or worries that they won't regret it, um, from the moment they start, that every tip, trick, thing we get is valuable and that they'll come out of it a better person.

00:43:46 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thanks, Sara. Allyssya. 

00:43:49 

Allyssya: I'll speak to my first round and something that I think it's important for people to know is there were days where, or weeks, I guess, where I didn't show up to class for whatever reason. And I'm grateful that they're recorded so I could go back, especially if the reason that I didn't show up was because I just didn't have the capacity for it that night.

00:44:12 

But two days later, I did. And the other thing is, Along those same lines of capacity, maybe you have the capacity to do the homework that week, and maybe you don't. But the beauty is, you're getting the knowledge, and you have the freedom and flexibility to implement that into your life whenever feels like the right time for you.

00:44:35 

And so, even if you feel like, oh gosh, I just don't have an hour every single week to commit to this, If you have an hour, a month for the rest of your life to implement these things, you will be really grateful that you got this knowledge and it will benefit you always. 

00:44:58 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thank you, Allyssya. Thank you. One of the things that is really important is to create a vision of what you want your life to look like in the future.

00:45:13 

The question that I'm just really curious about, um, hearing from each of you is just what do you hope your future life looks like when people pleasing isn't an issue, when you are able to be honest about what you want, when you are able to share yourself, you know, freely and authentically, when you have choices and are able to make any choice that you want, like what, what do you hope for yourselves?

00:45:39 

Sara, start us off. 

00:45:40 

Sara: I would say to have deeper connections with people, like you were saying, that being true to who I am and the relationships can feel more authentic. I also would say like a safety in friendships and relationships, that I don't have to worry about being honest and authentic, that these people care about me and will respect me.

00:46:06 

Um, and so I can't really expect kind of the boundaries I'm setting or if I'm saying no or wanting something different. So I've already started to notice that, that's been kind of a happier area of my life where, you know, that kind of stress and anxiety is starting to ease up a bit, which is nice.

00:46:21 

So, yeah, just feeling more connected to people and having that deeper connection. 

00:46:28 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Oh, good. And so valuable. And so possible. Love it. 

00:46:34 

Susan: Susan. So, I was talking to a friend of mine this morning, and it was such a beautiful conversation, and at one point, she just Was telling me how grateful she was for me to be in her life.

00:46:51 

And, um, it was really touching because she's not a demonstrative person at all. And for her to say that and give me. Validation that I wasn't grasping for or it felt so good and I, you know, I'm always talking about the podcast and what I'm learning. And she said that she felt like I was really, she said, you seem so much more settled down.

00:47:22 

And I said, I feel content and I really do. I just, I think that, um, learning this, I don't know what my future is going to be like, but I'm ready to step into it with these new skills. I really am. Thank you. 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Thank you, Susan. Allyssya. 

00:47:46 

Allyssya: So my vision is, and I'm on this path, and so it's starting to happen, that I'm living a life that I created and I chose versus one that somebody else created or chose for me, or that I just, life is happening to me, and now I'm living the life that I want on purpose.

00:48:12 

Sara Bybee Fisk: Oh, I just love that gives me chills to think about for each of you and for me and yeah, the life that I choose on purpose. One of the things that makes that life possible is when you leave behind what everybody chooses for you. Because in a way that feels safe, doesn't it? Like if I just do the things that other people want me to do, then there is this safety in that.

00:48:39 

And what we don't know is that safety is more like a cage, right? It just keeps you in that place and developing the ability to know what you want and who you are and the choices that you want to have in your life. And then to trust yourself. To go get that, to trust yourself that as you leave behind doing what everybody else wants and focus on doing what you want, you will have your own back.

00:49:05 

Because you have really learned to listen to yourself, like Allyssya said, you've learned to notice, like Stephanie said, when you're making yourself smaller and not taking up the space that you really, really want. Echoing Susan's words, when you can just accept that this is the way things are, these are the choices that I have, or this is who I want to be.

00:49:27 

And Sara, when that kind of comes into each of your relationships in such a beautiful way, it's just, this is why I do this and your voices are so important for other women to hear because more than anything, I want people to know that they can do this, that it is work that they can do, um, in, in a safe, comfortable way, but that it can make big, big differences.

00:49:49 

So thank you. Thank you. Thank you to each of you for being here. Is there anything that anyone wants to say that they didn't get to as we wrap up? 

00:49:58 

Stephanie: I really wanted to say this. It's kind of funny, but it's, it's really, really true. Um, I don't know if anybody watched that show, ships creep. I actually didn't watch it, but I know the little sound bites and the whatever, the part where they're trying to make something that mother and the son, and they're going through the recipe and neither one of them know how to cook or bake at all.

00:50:18 

And there's a step on the recipe. You pulled in the cheese. And he says, what is this? What do I do? And she said, you just pull it in. And so that line gets me all, you know, hold it in. What do you need? So again, through all the different programs that I've done and coaching that I've gone through, there was just an element of something missing.

00:50:40 

And, and there's great programs out there, certainly, but it's like holding in the cheese. It's like, but, but, but how do I actually change? And I, and I am all these, like, I think I'm really broken and I can't do it. I'm different from everybody else. I'm not going to get it. And yours is really the first program that just really, like, explained it and helped me make the connection that I can actually change.

00:51:04 

I can actually have this awareness that I've just never had before. So, you know, I just, it reminds me of that line where you just hold it in. You just hold it, like, but what the hell does that even mean? Like, what is it really? And you, you just have that. You, you, you actually explain how that's holding, that you change your life, and get what you want, and discover yourself, and just change.

00:51:24 

Just find happiness in yourself in a way that I've just never seen anywhere else. 

00:51:30 

Sara Bybee Fisk: That is high praise and I will take it. Thank you, Stephanie. Anyone else? Thank you. Each of you for being here, for giving me your time and your, your honesty and just your presence. You are each such a gift to our program and it's just been nothing but a pleasure to get to know you and an honor really to work with you.

00:51:52 

So thank you and we'll see you next week.